Subject: SLORP: Evil is Hammy.
Author:
Posted on: 2013-05-23 01:22:00 UTC
Sounds like one of those Unfortunate Shakespeare Adaptations where Hamlet investigates his father's death and suspects that his father's meatloaf ate him...
...now that puts a whole new twist on "we fat ourselves to fat worms", doesn't it?
Okay, let me take a crack at this.
-Orochimaru is not ever, ever, ever allowed to meet the Doctor. Ever. It only gives him ideas.
--Or any Time Lords.
--Or Jack Harkness.
--Or anyone who has ever come back from the dead (This including Gandalf, Kara Thrace, and roughly half the Marvel Universe).
-I am not allowed to make a ˆTerminatorˆ joke to a Cylon.
--They never get the joke, and you end up dead anyway.
-I will not give Agent Snapshot a cupcake.
-I will not put Juugo and Bruce Banner in the same room and make them angry.
--While the resulting fight would no doubt be epic, the reason that it is a bad idea should be obvious.
Shang Tsung. Dementor. Just no.
I will not scream and cry out, "Scootaloo!" if I see another agent eating chicken.
I will not taunt Nightwolf from "Mortal Kombat" by asking him is he knows Jacob from "Twilight". His wolf form is his Animality, not lycanthropy.
Addendum to the Nightwolf one:
- Nor will I taunt Fenrir Greyback this way.
X) I will not gather together all of the fictional versions of Excalibur (or any other similarly ubiquitous weapon with multiple incarnations) just to see what happens.
- If I ignore the previous instruction, I will definitely not melt down all the different variations of the sword, and attempt to re-forge them into one Sword of Pure Awesomeness.
-- If I ignore that instruction, I fully accept that such a sword would undoubtedly be confiscated from me.
X+1) I will not attempt to re-forge Narsil, no matter how badly my LARP blacksmith character needs the practise.
X+2) Even if I have just ‘accidentally’ acquired an army of minis, I still can’t go on a rampage throughout HQ (unless I file the appropriate paperwork with my Department Head first).
X+3) I will not ridicule the theory that Slorps are capable of reproducing via mitosis, nor will I attempt to get agents to consider the implications of the phrase ‘meatloafslash’.
-I will not point out any Freud-ness in Reinforce's new Device
-I will not try to figure out how Bardiche's Zanber form's proportions seem to be as fluid as a swimming pool
-I will not introduce the Movieverse Chrono and Yuuno to the Liese twins
--Chances are that Chrono still knows them, anyways
-I will not try to set up a deathmatch between Walpurgisnacht and the Book of Darkness' berserk defense program
-Introducing the Wolkenritter to Servants, the Holy Grail's corruption and the berserk defense program, or in any way letting Book of Darkness and Holy Grail War creations come into contact is strictly prohibited
--'ShadowCrytalMage did it' is not a valid excuse
-I will not introduce Dark Sakura to Emperor Palpatine. Nothing good will come out of this.
-I will not use 'Reinforce Zwei in a box' as an exclamation near Agent Corolla.
-I will not give Archer a TARDIS.
-I will not stab Mogget with Rule Breaker.
To the Corolla one:
-- Not even if she actually hid in a box to try and scare me.
To the Archer one:
-- Neither I will give him the Delorean.
-- Homura Akemi's shield is right out.
--- Besides, she would kill me.
(Yeah, I know. I'm making more addendums than actual entries.)
[SPOILERS FOR STAR TREK INTO DARKNESS]
I will not introduce the BBC version of Sherlock Holmes to the Star Trek reboot version of Khan Noonien Singh.
-The resultant amount of British supergenius would probably destroy the world.
-And attract far too many fangirls.
I will not blind people with lens flare.
-Unless I am J.J. Abrams.
-No, you are not J.J. Abrams.
I will not introduce Cinderella to Captain Janeway.
-Or Hermione.
-Or any other well-rounded female character with weapons.
[I'll try to come up with more later.]
Sounds like one of those Unfortunate Shakespeare Adaptations where Hamlet investigates his father's death and suspects that his father's meatloaf ate him...
...now that puts a whole new twist on "we fat ourselves to fat worms", doesn't it?
It would be improved even more if Hamlet, still speaking with typical Shakespearean vocabulary, monologues as he fights the Slorp-iteration in his father's throne room.
When Claudius walks in, all ready to be political and slip poison into things, he sees his nephew in pitched battle with a towering meat-creature and sneaks inconspicuously back into the hallway with a remark of "Forthwith, I shall show myself out."
"TO BE," cries Hamlet, "OR NOT TO BE - THAT IS THE QUESTION FOR YOU, O FOUL MURDERER AND EATER OF MY FATHER!"
"GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGHLE SPLORT-DINGLE-WINGLE!" screeches the meatloaf in reply as Hamlet stabs at it with a foil once more.
And meanwhile, off to the side, Laertes stands there with his own sword, feeling a bit left out and wholly unavenged.
(This needs to be a production by the PPC's own A Troupe By Any Other Name. Well, after they do Mac----, anyway.
I love you. That is the best idea thing ever. Although your other things never to do are awesome as well.
~DF
n. I will not imitate Wheatley around Evie in order to get a sarcastic reaction.
- I will not imitate Wheatley around Evie for any reason.
n+1. I will not test Sue assassination methods on Evangelion-verse Angels.
n+2. I will not put Leeloo, Alice and Violet Song jat Shariff in a room together 'just to see what happens'.
- Recording what does happen is right out.
-I will not attack a Weeping Angel with a sledgehammer.
-I highly doubt it works, and if it doesn't, one blink and you are one very very dead agent.
-I must not be in the general vicinity *ever* of a bodiless Makuta searching for a vessel.
-I will never play tag with a Creeper
-No, seriously. Bad Idea.
Eh. Not all of these may be good, but I certainly like the one about playing tag with a Creeper.
Addendum to the Weeping Angel one:
-Jackhammers are right out.
-Seriously, one of the ones we had to deal with during the Blackout survived two plasma grenades. After being shot at with an anti-materiel rifle. Leave. Them. Alone.
And now, some original ones:
- I will not ask Technician Corolla to make my console sentient just to have it scare my partner.
-- The fact that Corolla would be very willing to help with such a prank is not a valid justification.
--- Is there any prank she isn't willing to help with?
-- Besides, she already made more than enough sentient consoles. DoSAT is already working overtime to fix all of them.
- I will not try to grow my own miniature Slorp by hiding a Sue-meat meatloaf under my bed.
-- Aside from the smell, I would end up being its first meal, and The Doctor isn't always avaible to save the PPC.
- I will not put a bee nest into a Flower's office to see if they can make honey out of them. That's disgusting.
-- Besides, if it happened to be possible it would end up in the Cafeteria. With all the unfortunate implications of that.
Anti-materiel rifle.
For use when you don't have enough gun.
???. The C-14 Gauss Impaler Rifle is not an acceptable substitue for a nail gun.
???. I will not have a Weeping Angel and a Silent fight to the death in an arena for my own entertainment.
- I put an Angel and a what now into an arena? I can't remember.
???. We shall never talk about the Travelocity gnome incident ever again.
???. I will exercise restraint in the presence of Khalisah al-Jilani.
???. New Caledonia is not "Party Town."
???. Patrol Officer Taldaris is not afraid of the mini-Slorps.
- His cloak is not named Mister Snugglies either.
???. Rocket jumping. No.
???. I will not use my (unwitting) partner as a Jarate manufacturer.
???. I will leave the Aegis of the Immortal in its home canon of DOTA.
-Roshan will probably turn me into purée anyways.
-- The cheese is totally worth it, though.
???. Killing magical Suvians does not make me an Anti-Mage.
???. Zen gardens do not belong on Shakuras.
(I can't keep up with the numbers at this point.)
- I am not allowed to steal the magic notebook from Maxwell.
-- No good could come of it anyhow.
- I am not allowed to address the First and Forsaken Lion with, "'Sup bra."
-- They don't call him a DEATH knight for just any reason.
- In a similar vein, I am not allowed to attempt a high-five with Arthas.
-- Mainly because he'd kill me, and also because he's too tall.
- It is almost certainly a death wish to yell "LOOK AT ALL THESE UGLY F***ERS!" in Silvermoon City.
-- Or anywhere primarily frequented by blood elves, really.
- Gandalf is not some conjurer of cheap tricks, and I must remember this.
-- It's also probably a bad idea to do magic fingers in front of Saruman and go "haminah haminah hooo!"
-For the love of all things, DON'T EVER FIRE A RED BIRD AT THE S.O.!
-- Getting fired would be the LEAST of my worries then.
- Introducing Commander Shepard to his Gary Stu clone in Parallel Realities will likely get me punched in the throat, at the very least.
-- I'd personally like to not think about what the would do at the worst extreme
- Let it be noted: streaking in front of Samantha will only make the zombies want to kill me more.
-- You just can't be a drunk enough Russian to get away with that.
- Oh, by all means, let's just piss off a Charizard on Giant Pokemon Island, I'm sure nothing bad will happen.
-- On a related note: Let's never introduce Lucy from Elfen Leid and MewTwo to each other. It was hell enough for their respective series to deal with them escaping captivity and to notch security.
Cafeteria meatloaf is not a toy.
-Nor is it a scientific specimen worth resurrecting ala Frankenstein.
-Slorp was bad enough; we don't want zombie Slorp running around the place.
Asking about Agent Eledhwen and Christianne's relationship is liable to get me maimed.
-Especially if it's about sexual things. They're not like that.
-Seriously. No matter what Lux says.
The Travelocity gnome is not a Weeping Angel.
-No, not even if it's creepy as heck.
Not allowed to break into DoSAT to steal a TARDIS.
-Seriously, it was only cool when the Doctor did it.
Not allowed to attempt to neuralyse a Silent.
The Eye of Harmony is not a toy.
-Antimatter is not a toy.
-I am not allowed to pit Thrawn against Creed in any strategy game. Ever.
-If a Sue uses Car-Fu, Tank-Fu is not the correct countermeasure.
I will not introduce a Blocker to the Witch Wall.
I will not encourage Lord Fear to try to gain access to the internet.
I will especially not give Lord Fear a copy of the Evil Overlord List in any way, shape or form.
- No, not even indirectly.
I will not introduce Shang Tsung from "Mortal Kombat" to Sauron.
-Nor will I ask Shao Kahn if he knows a famous starship captain James T. Kirk.
The Andalite Escafil device is not a toy.
I will not introduce Shang Tsung from "Mortal Kombat" to Sauron.
-Nor will I ask Shao Kahn if he knows famous starship captain by the name of James T. Kirk.
The Andalite Escafil device is not a toy.