Subject: RE: Permission Request
Author:
Posted on: 2011-06-02 19:58:00 UTC
Disclaimer: I am not a PG but here's my two cents anyway.
On Alastraine:
How did she join the PPC? This isn't that important, I suppose, with how many World One agents there are, but it'd be nice to know. The 'acts dumb but is actually really sharp' is overdone in my opinion but nothing is objectively wrong with it. (FYI, it's not uncommon practice for asian women to bleach their skin and completely block it out from the sun - it's less common with modern americanized asian women, but it's still one of those idealized standards of beauty back in China, especially among older women.)
On Gloria:
She has no personality.
I mean, seriously, there's nothing there at all. She's not bothered by the small rooms (which makes me wonder why it's mentioned at all) but because she's impatient, except she's not being impatient about anything in particular. The 'damnit' at the end seems to indicate she's not waiting for a mission, but you don't say what she is waiting for - I guess she's waiting for nothing. She standing still in a small room waiting impatiently for nothing. She apparently has no hobbies, or other relationships with people, and when Alastraine finally comes in, she just is in general short and a little bitchy. Honestly I don't know why she even talks to Alastraine at all - it would be more consistent with her character to just tell her where her room is then give her the cold shoulder. Gloria also seems decidely unplussed that Alaistraine pulled the 'dumb' trick on her.
Another thing - why does Gloria have to be ashamed of being a Twilight vampire? There are good aspects to the series - Gloria should have some patriotism about her own canon (someone needs to), especially if you plan to be doing missions in it.
On the Story:
It's too uneventful. Introductions are important, but you don't need to shove everything into the beginning. Gloria seems the type that will avoid interaction unless it's absolutely necessary - the pair seems very incompatible, so Gloria should be trying to either get Alastraine to go away, or to go away herself. Alastraine should have to either chase Gloria to get her to answer these questions, or else ask her in a circumstance where Gloria can't run - like during a mission. Obviously you can't start writing the mission until you get permission, which just means you have to characterize in ways besides pure dialogue.
In summary: you have an interesting dynamic with your two characters that you aren't really using to it's potential. What's the point of having an angsty reticent character if she gives out major details of her life without prompting? Why have a silly upbeat character if she doesn't have to be annoyingly persistent to be successful? And finally, have stuff happen.