Thank you for the brain food/critique!

Permission Request by Kitty's Muse on 2011-05-30 07:47:00 UTC Reply

Hello everyone! I've been planning these two out for a while but I still can't help but think that they came out kind of badly on paper. Oh well.

Here is the piece of writing, which also serves as an intro of sorts: http://kittykat1001001.livejournal.com/1593.html

Their bios (I apologize for the Gloria one; I tried to fix it up but it still kept dragging on):

Alastrine Jørgensen-
A nineteen year old who tends to act younger than she is. She was born to a then divorced woman, who is almost as whimsical as her daughter. Her first name was actually picked only because it sounded pretty, though neither were at all Celtic. She did okay in school, but mostly thrived among her friends and with her younger sister (a result of another failed marriage) and mother. Her friends tended to be the ones to keep her grounded. Despite her often whimsical and childish behavior she is actually pretty intelligent, especially when she sets herself to a task. However, she has some very odd habits and behaviors that only her and possibly her sister can figure out, such as where she puts stuff. She is a very happy person who almost never gets angry. If she does, she tends to remain smiling but become more of an axe-murderer type. Hurting or messing with her Lust Object or anyone from Harry Potter will cause this to happen, along with a combination of too little sleep and others harassing her friends or partner.

Home Continuum: Real World

Lust Object: Hong Kong (Hetalia)

Gloria Sato-
She was born in October of 1973 in Japan originally with the first name of Etsuko, but this was changed upon moving to the US when she was six so she would appear to be more "American". After lots of drama (which may or may not be provided later on) her parents were killed and she was left for dead (due to falling out of a window INTO THE MIDDLE OF A STREET) by a Twilight vampire nomad. After waking up in the hospital several days later and killing several staff members and subsequently running off, she took several years to become rational. (If you haven't guessed already, she was an OC in a Twilight fic that involved a Mary Sue, though she herself hadn't been published and she wasn't that bad, just stuck... In a horrible story.) She tends to be a rather straight faced person, who unlike the 6'1" Alastrine is rather short, somewhere around 5'. She is a "vegetarian" vampire, who is glad to have found that constant exposure to ridiculous stories and their horrid characters has caused her sense of smell to lessen, though so has her supernatural strength, speed, sight, and other such things. She tries to act like an adult, which tends to mess with peoples' minds, especially her partner's. She gets annoyed rather easily at either immature acts (due to her trying to avoid doing such things no matter how old her actual mentality is) or people treating her as lesser than them, but she tends to not show it. If she actually gets furious she'll start growling at you. If you don't get it then that's the point she goes nuts and starts beating on you, no matter your size or strength. No one has actually been able to get her to that stage-or at least no one who currently knows her. So far people have only been able to get her annoyed, namely her partner.

Home Continuum: Twilight

Lust Object: None known

The fanfiction I plan as my first mission: http://m.fanfiction.net/s/5386744/1/TWILADAGIRLWHOWASINLUVWA_VAMPIR

RE: Permission Request by DigitalSocrates on 2011-06-02 19:58:00 UTC Reply

Disclaimer: I am not a PG but here's my two cents anyway.

On Alastraine:
How did she join the PPC? This isn't that important, I suppose, with how many World One agents there are, but it'd be nice to know. The 'acts dumb but is actually really sharp' is overdone in my opinion but nothing is objectively wrong with it. (FYI, it's not uncommon practice for asian women to bleach their skin and completely block it out from the sun - it's less common with modern americanized asian women, but it's still one of those idealized standards of beauty back in China, especially among older women.)

On Gloria:
She has no personality.
I mean, seriously, there's nothing there at all. She's not bothered by the small rooms (which makes me wonder why it's mentioned at all) but because she's impatient, except she's not being impatient about anything in particular. The 'damnit' at the end seems to indicate she's not waiting for a mission, but you don't say what she is waiting for - I guess she's waiting for nothing. She standing still in a small room waiting impatiently for nothing. She apparently has no hobbies, or other relationships with people, and when Alastraine finally comes in, she just is in general short and a little bitchy. Honestly I don't know why she even talks to Alastraine at all - it would be more consistent with her character to just tell her where her room is then give her the cold shoulder. Gloria also seems decidely unplussed that Alaistraine pulled the 'dumb' trick on her.
Another thing - why does Gloria have to be ashamed of being a Twilight vampire? There are good aspects to the series - Gloria should have some patriotism about her own canon (someone needs to), especially if you plan to be doing missions in it.

On the Story:
It's too uneventful. Introductions are important, but you don't need to shove everything into the beginning. Gloria seems the type that will avoid interaction unless it's absolutely necessary - the pair seems very incompatible, so Gloria should be trying to either get Alastraine to go away, or to go away herself. Alastraine should have to either chase Gloria to get her to answer these questions, or else ask her in a circumstance where Gloria can't run - like during a mission. Obviously you can't start writing the mission until you get permission, which just means you have to characterize in ways besides pure dialogue.

In summary: you have an interesting dynamic with your two characters that you aren't really using to it's potential. What's the point of having an angsty reticent character if she gives out major details of her life without prompting? Why have a silly upbeat character if she doesn't have to be annoyingly persistent to be successful? And finally, have stuff happen.

Thank you for the brain food/critique! by Kitty's Muse on 2011-06-04 03:53:00 UTC Reply

Yeah, I kind of spent too little time on some of this stuff. I do have better bios (from my character sheets) and should probably post those soon in place of the quickly-typed summaries that were done on my phone. XD

I didn't realize I said "is really smart" for Alastrine. She kind of is smart, but is still a bit of a happy sort of idiot. Shall fix~ ;] (I'm a little confused about that Asian women comment though. Alastrine's not Asian at all. Gloria is, but her skin's paler than normal because that's the case with all Twilight vamps.)

Gloria is a problem child of sorts for me. I did like your feedback on her especially due to the fact that she's actually thirty something but is physically (and kind of mentally, in terms of big mindset) stuck as a thirteen year old. Also, I hate intros with a passion. They're way too difficult to write, especially if you're writin them too fast. Perhaps I should show a different example of my writing (one that's better written but is not PPC related). I'll take some time on that though as I'll have to think of what to use. And you do have many other great points about Gloria, including that she should be proud of what she is because no one else is. (Besides, everyone knows that Edward Cullen is supposed to be the angsty "I'm a monster!" guy, so Gloria shouldn't be like that too. Though I do like the idea of her being a cold-shoulder sort of person and ansgsty for other reasons.)

I shall remember to try getting stuff to happen- I might just do the official intro at the beginning of their first mission, so it won't be able to drag that long and won't be such a pain to write.

In other words, thanks for the very helpful input and I shall keep it in mind. :]

Asian Women comment by DigitalSocrates on 2011-06-05 04:49:00 UTC Reply

The Asian woman comment was because Alastraine uses Gloria's paleness as a reason to identify her as a vampire, when it wouldn't be particularly unusual for an asian woman to be very pale.

Forgot to say that they'll be Floaters (most likely). (nm) by Kitty's Muse on 2011-05-30 19:11:00 UTC Reply
Not a PG, but I have one nitpick. by Pretzel on 2011-05-30 09:10:00 UTC Reply

The text on your LJ is so tiny I can't read it without being really close to the screen. Maybe a different LJ theme would be better?

Oops! by Kitty's Muse on 2011-05-30 19:07:00 UTC Reply

Didn't realize that would be an issue. The font size is changed to something (that is hopefully) more legible. Thanks for pointing that out!