Woof.

Question/request/possibly something else entirely... by L'Homme Arbre on 2011-05-18 21:57:00 UTC Reply

Well, it's like this.

I have a pair of Floaters working a 'Sue in the Redwall continuum. It's this real crackfic; it was originally written in Russian, then sent through some cheap-as-free translation software into English.

So, due to circumstances that are ENTIRELY their own faults and NOTHING to do with my desire to torture my characters at every possible opportunity, they have to sink a cruise ship roughly the size of the Titanic with a sword, a bow, and a dozen arrows. Oh, yes, and said cruise ship is occupied by upwards of three dozen canonical rats that they are allowed to kill under no circumstances. Oh, and one of them is possesed by the Author-Wraith of the fic, merged with Cluny the Scourge, horribly mutated (beyond being merged with Cluny), and therefore only sporadically helpful, if at all, so this all has to be accomplished by only one Agent. Oh, and said Agent has a completely unmedicatd case of ADHD, an leather armchair he's lugging around and totally unwilling to give up, and a mini-Deepgloomer (named George) currently living in a Nalgene bottle.

...

I appear to be up a tree without a creek, paddled into a hole, dug into a corner, painted to a point where I can't do something else humorous, et cetera, et alii, ad nauseam.

Ahem. And so, dear friends, I beseech you. Please, help a brother out, so he does not have to rewrite ten damn pages and can post this freakin' mission already. Thank you. God bless.

L'Homme Arbre

P.S. Oh, and before someone suggests it, just letting this slide under 'Acceptable margin of error' isn't going to happen. Namely because the 'Sue they're trying to kill has already died in the fic. Twice. And is still walking around. Well, crawling around, since her legs have detached from her body and are moving independantly. Oh, and despite her legless condition, she's desperately trying to make out with the mutated Cluny/Agent thing in a way that will make it look like she's being raped.

Yeah. Any acceptable margin of error that ever existed has been exceeded (with style) a long, long time ago.

Maybe evacuate the ship, then sink it? by Firebird766 on 2011-05-19 17:15:00 UTC Reply

Would that ship have any lifeboats? Get all of the rats onto the lifeboats, either through portals or by making a fire scare (fire on ship = very bad), then sink it. The sinking it bit might be tricky, though. Is it possible to use portals to telefrag away part of the hull? Or he could actually set the ship on fire.

The Sue will have to die in an overkill manner in order to stop her from just rising again. Hm... portal her into an active volcano? It's kinda hard to make ash get up and start walking.
Now I'm thinking with Portals by Jakraziel on 2011-05-19 13:49:00 UTC Reply

Put a portal under the possedssed agent drop him into the medical bay, put one under the armchair and drop it into the RC, put one in the sea and one in the ship, shout abandon ship. Then you may feel free to quote Portal 2.

You forgot a portal. by Sergio Turbo on 2011-05-19 17:05:00 UTC Reply

Portal under canons to the beach or any other safe place.

May involve canons ending up in water or head first in sand.

For the ship, if you've got a radio or a phone you can call the PPC Fighter Wing. Special offer for first customer: you pay seven Bleepka bottles instead of ten, and get a free 1/100 scale model of the official PPCFW F-22A Raptor!

(Do not go looking for the PPCFW on the Wiki - the Fighter Wing doesn't officially exist, and never will be: it's composed of two Agents of mine who managed to get their hands on a couple of F-22s. Besides, the mission in which they get the planes is still in the works.)

Hmm, interesting... by L'Homme Arbre on 2011-05-19 21:38:00 UTC Reply

I was thinking before of calling the DGA, but they deal in landscapes, not cruise ships. Anyway I'm fairly all the Boarders who used to write DGA missions aren't around anymore. So...Not a bad idea. Not a bad idea at all.

Well, actually, from both logistical and canon-preservation standpoints, it's a terrible idea, but from a posting-this-goddamn-mission-within-the-next-decade standpoint...yeah. Not too bad.

Shoot, why not. I'll do it. I've never co-written anything before, but new writing experiences is the reason I joined the PPC, so...yeah. It's currently in GoogleDocs, the link is under Pretzel's comment. We can talk more there.

I'll have to get a Google account, but it can be done. (nm) by Sergio Turbo on 2011-05-20 08:53:00 UTC Reply
When did I become Not Around? (nm) by Huinesoron on 2011-05-19 21:46:00 UTC Reply

I'm sorry, I phrased that wrong... by L'Homme Arbre on 2011-05-19 22:04:00 UTC Reply

You're still around, of course, but to my knowledge you're no longer writing missions for DOGA, yes? I mean, Dafydd is married, Narto is missing, Selene is insane, and Louise may or may not actually exist. That covers everyone, yes?

True. by Huinesoron on 2011-05-20 17:09:00 UTC Reply

Technically I still have one mission to write for Narto and Lou, but that's set in 2006, so it doesn't invalidate your point.

hS

I don't suppose... by Neshomeh on 2011-05-18 22:16:00 UTC Reply

... that the fic is so far gone that they could simply pull out the ship's plug, Looney Tunes-style? Of course, crashing it into an iceberg would always work.

In other words: ye gods, and good luck.

~Neshomeh
Woof. by Pretzel on 2011-05-18 22:05:00 UTC Reply

Um, could you post what you have up on GoogleDocs for us? It might help if we could see what's going on.

Oh, how thoughtless of me... by L'Homme Arbre on 2011-05-18 22:59:00 UTC Reply

Right here.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/13Sy3f7PnRZRHbD5CZ61rWute3t6ygNEH4kXNqmUTl3k/edit?pli=1&authkey=CIig04UO#

Feel free to add comments as the mood strikes you, I have several versions saved. (Although I would prefer that you do it in a different color, makes them much easier to notice and to understand who's saying what).

Will do. (nm) by Pretzel on 2011-05-19 05:16:00 UTC Reply