As a PG, I'm not really prepared to say yes or no until this plays out and you've decided what you want to do, but I will say I share some of the issues others have mentioned with the guy I'm now thinking of as Victor Borge for reasons that the linked video ought to make clear. It's gonna be really hard to overcome that sort of first impression, so I'd suggest taking plenty of time before making up your mind.

~Neshomeh

Disclaimer: I'm not a PG but i'll give you my 2 cents anyway.

I'm seeing enough errors that I'm going to go line by line:

First thing I notice is a weird transition at the end of the first paragraph. It implies that the agent is actively being lectured by the flowers, but that is not the case.

recently assigned to the Department of Mary Sues

Of all the things to say for the very first descriptive text of Karem you use that? This is the introduction! This line should give you the foundation of this character's personality. It shouldn't tell you what department she's in.

I don't have the same problem with parenthesis that DML does: the insert about Triple seems to fit fine, although the exact words are a bit clumsy.

I also disagree with DML about the front-loading descriptions. They have their place, and the first introduction of the main characters can certainly stand to have two sentences each of description. It's to-the-point and not remotely purple.

After a moment’s consideration, Triple walked over to the right side of the room and placed his armchair near the bathroom door.

Did his armchair become pocket-sized since the last time it was mentioned?

Triple called over his shoulder, speaking in a cultured accent.

A what?

Radiating about twenty feet from the door in all directions on the walls, ceiling, and floor were scorch marks that told the explosives expert a very large bomb had recently gone off in the RC.

I would think that his memories would tell him more than his bomb expert skills. The intro implies he was involved in causing it.

~~~

Okay, my first impression of Triple is that he's just unlikeable. My face is literally scrunching up reading him. He's got super strength and could easily do the job that multiple people are having trouble with, but he won't because he's a prick.

Triple’s lower left eyelid began to twitch sporadically.

At this point I'm surprised he has a human face. I was expecting some kind of ceramic mask instead. In fact, it makes it easier for me to swallow that he's an inhuman statue. I can't imagine an actual person like this.

“Cease at once, or I will not allow you any of the Bleeptea on the upcoming mission.”

Awesome. He's her boss too.

“Celebrian.” Triple spoke without inflection. His partner immediately collapsed on the floor and began to twitch in a way that was altogether disturbing.

And he's abusive and manipulative. Seriously, this is just horrible. He's sociopathically torturing his partner.

There is literally no flaw you can give to this guy that will justify how much of a prick he is. Why do you hate Karen so much that you give her this as a partner?

Sorry, but Triple is unsalvageable as a character. I strongly suggest starting over with him.

AFAIK it's discouraged to make your writing sample for a Permission request actually about the agents you write for.

1) Am I just misunderstanding, and it's actually perfectly fine, as long as it's not an actual mission?

2) Just about everyone writes their agents in the permission request anyway. Does the Permission Request page need to be fixed to make it more clear this is frowned upon?

3) Should that policy be changed? An intermission with the agents actually sounds like a good way to get familiar with the characters and see how they might write a mission.

Howdy there.

I'm not a permission giver, but I can give you a bit of honest feedback. The beginning of the episode rubbed me the wrong way; it felt like an infodump. This tends to be something I seem to see quite a bit in badfics and as a result, describing all your character's clothes and minutae up front raises quite a number of red flags at the start of the story.

Another thing I tell everyone is to avoid parenthesis in your narration. Using them to inject sides into your narration is a big no-no, especially if they stand out from the rest of the narration itself or completely take it in a different direction. Doing so tends to be sloppy work. As a rule of thumb, never inject exposition in brackets into your narration, ever, as it tends to break up the narration itself and detract from the feeling of reading it.

If you can use indents, as well, use them or block paragraphing, but never both simultaneously. I prefer to try to use manuscript (indented) formats, because block paragraphing tends to cause the story to become too spaced-out and as a result of everything been to spaced out, linebreaks lose their presence, especially if you're viewing it on a large-format display like mine in plaintext or HTML; that's another reason I use PDFs for my work, because some HTML forms parse out spaces unless you word them using character codes which are a clumsy and awkward way of doing it. I suggest looking up a tutorial on how to do manuscript format; Google returns a lot of good hits and that'd probably be a great place to start for formatting. Formatting's always a killer and I still find myself tripping up over it from time to time.

Thirdly - flaws are not the be-all end-all way to avert Stuism. Under the definition that I follow [Tangodown!, 2011], a Stu is a character that undermines: a) The believability, consistency and/or integrity of its own portrayal, its setting, its author, or the ability of the audience to suspend disbelief. Triple stands out as something that deliberately tries to be too cool, and as a result tends to cut it very close for me. Character flaws, either great nor small will affect this, but it is perfectly possible to have a Sue that displays character flaws and still manages to meet one of or all four of the Tangodown! criteria. While I know that not telling everything up front is a good thing, bear in mind that most readers will develop first impressions of both the character and your ability to write very quickly and in an environment like the PPC's, arguably where we're trying to show up other people's Mary Sues, there's not much room for error. If his calmness and perfection is a facade, take it, play it up, run with it. Just never figure that you're going to be able to take it and run with it later. Keep your audience in mind; net audiences are something of a mixed bag on the internet; often they will not take your word for it that 'it gets better later' and just move onto the next thing. Because your series will not be a coherent work on paper sitting on someone's desk, it is likely they will see some parts of a story and not others. Saying "it gets better later on" or "I'm saving that for later on" is an extremely easy trap to fall into, and it can be dangerous.

Lastly, treatment of "newbies" like that isn't something I personally would encourage or like to see. Jokingly referring to "FNG Syndrome" is one thing. Going out of your way to label, then marginalize or sideline a group is another.

Good luck and keep writing.

Further Reading
DML, (2011, May 4), Tangodown! Specification MS101, Retrieved May 8 2011 from Essays - Tangodown!: http://delta-mike-lima.webs.com/info/TGD-SPC-MS101.pdf

In all honesty, I did not like the writing sample. The spelling, punctuation and grammar were fine, from what I could tell, but there were a number of other problems.

1) ??? being what he put on the application is a good idea, but carrying it over into the story is not. I think it would have been better to use whatever name his partner calls him, or something of that nature. It is hard for someone like me, who hears the words in his head as he reads, to translate ???.

2) The Vampire Rant. Just... No. It completely took me out of the story. It would have been fine if it had been from the character, rather than the narrator, and if there were some reason for the rant. So far as I can tell, there is little about this character that would lead me to say "that guy is a vampire." So, to have a rant like that, with no provocation, just seems really off. Also, if you are going to put something in a story, it is just stupid to tell the audience to disregard it. If you don't want us to pay attention to it, then don't put it there in the first place.

3) ??? has superhuman strength, the ability to remember and recite the List Of Things I Am Not Allowed To Do In The PPC beyond 1176 rules, his furniture is unaffected by an explosion in a confined space, and he looks perfect ALL THE TIME. His only flaw is that he hates being dirty. And that seems not to be a flaw so much as a berserk button (even though he seems to have no emotion) that causes him to threaten a Maintenance worker and his family for something that would be out of said worker's control.

4) Karen is really paranoid that the Flowers are out to get her. So, why is she still here? Why did she join up in the first place?

5) Explosion in the RC and the bricks. I'm asking. I see no reason for either thing, though you may have reasons in mind. Also, how did she manage to harness people to the sledge? That takes a fair bit of work and would not be easy if the person being harnessed was struggling.

I cannot speak for Permission myself, being not a Permission Giver and also not being a native English speaker, but I liked it very much. Sure this is one of the oddest couples here in HQ (and Triple-Question-Mark is creepy).

Only one thing: how the hell did Karen stole clothes from Nikki, the Agent I'm going to introduce in my next mission? I was thinking a coat-turtleneck-jeans combination too.