http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6895592/1/Sailor_WhirlPool

There's the link to her story. I was accumulating a charge list as I read it. There are definite grammar violations, and I'm pretty sure Ayame is a Sue.

Okay. Your advice has been taken to heart. I'm very grateful for it, because I'm worried about what might happen if my friend tries to put her work out in the public and gets flamed. You are all wonderful, amazing people.

I have a friend like that, too, only she writes Mary-Sues in original fiction. Her ideas definitely have merit, but the characters- both boys and girls, actually- are shallow and over-powerful. What I've done is tentatively offer up some advice, and when she starts to get cold about it, I just let it drop.

Sometimes the people who write these sorts of cliches can be very open to comments and quite willing to work to improve their stories, in which case I would suggest some combination of tactful doubt and politely pointing out flaws. In this case, however, since you say she gets defensive and lashes out at critics, I think you would be best off leaving it be. She's your friend, and it's even harder to give constructive criticism in that context; strangers are easier in that, if they fly into a rage about it, you can walk away and never talk to them again, but you can't do that here.

I realise that's not what you were after, but it seems to me like you feel it's your responsibility to make sure your friend's stories are as good as they can be; it's not. If she's asked you to beta her work, that's another issue - she'd have to accept the honesty she asked for - but just approaching her and saying "I'm sorry, but your stories have problems"? That's your initiative, and my advice would be not to do it. Let her write whatever she wants for now; everyone grows out of that phase eventually.

If you're going mad and desperate to do something, them naybe you could find some good fanfics for that fandom and suggest that she might enjoy reading them - and if she does, chat about those stories and all their good points, and let her see for herself how her own work doesn't measure up. I find this works better with touchy people, since they feel like they can fix the problems without other people knowing about them, which is often the most sore point with defensive writers.

Of course, you'll get other responses disagreeing with me, and there might indeed be a good way to talk to her about this, but I, personally, wouldn't.