Don't worry, you don't ALWAYS have to duck-and-cover... and with this handy-dandy Flameproof Vest, you should be fine unless you say something QUITE thoughtless or controversial ... of course, we're not supposed to flame here, so everything should be fine. :D

Sister-son? Yeah, Tolkein was a professor of European Medieval history, if I'm not mistaken.

Have an adamantium knife! It is the same weight and height as a regular knife, and won't break easy.

Have a box of your favorite kind of candy.

Well met, rookie! Please enjoy this waterproof fedora as a welcoming gift!

Here you have a glittering skull which belonged to a Sue. I'm sure she won't ask it back.

Welcome to the Board!

Here, have some chocolate, and please enjoy your stay!

Welcome, new friend! Have a bag of throwing knives! If you want more, you'll have to pickpocket them from thugs.

Have a generic book. Are there any other less common canons that you like?

awwwwww.....*Cuddles cheetah,pet kitty and scooter then climbs aboard ship to get a better view of things. Suspiciously pokes the very heavy case, decides its safe, then it unfolds. After untangling herself from under the car she regards the package and it's curious metronome-like beat. After heavy contemplation she slaps a label on it," Happy birthday to Sue" and walks to the closest post office whistling cheerfully, if not a little maniacally, the happy birthday song.*

I've got to find a TARDIS to put this all in.

Have a pet cat and a scooter. Not quite sure why, but they'll probably be useful. Somehow.

Do not feed it Sues or Stus.

Fair winds!

Now you can throw BBQ parties!

Have a folding car. It becomes a rather heavy case when not in use. Careful, it has a tendency to unfold itself in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Greetings! Have this suspiciously ticking package that is definitely not a bomb!