Don't feed it honey.

Here have a slim jim newer-than-me-newbie

Welcome to the Board! Here, have some chocolate and enjoy your stay! And don't worry, we don't bite... unless we have to.

Fair winds!

Now you can throw BBQ parties!

Welcome to the board! Have a Generic Book.

Have a pet cat and a tin can. The cat is for hugs and snuggling. The tin can? Well, you can do many things with a can. I'm sure you will find something.

Jere, have an Adamantium Knife! it about the same weight and size of a regular knife, and cuts through almost anything (especially Sues). Make sure to use it wisely, and keep it away from Wolverine, he gets suspicious when people have Adamantium anything.

Hi! I'm only barely newer than you, but welcome! Have an empty ballpoint pen and a spoon.

Hi! Welcome to the board, let us delve the secrets of it together!
Have some orange juice, it's very good for short-circuting things. Or to drink, either or.

Have some Bleepermint Bark! It's made with Bleepolate (chocolate and Bleeprin) and crushed up candy canes. Good for getting bad 'fics out of your head, and festive too!
(If you're an avian or cannot have chocolate, sorry. I might be able to come up with a substitute.)

Have some chocolate.

And while you're here... why is it that I can never figure out how to say anything on the Why God Why board? Do I just have technical problems? Is it an oldbie thing?

Greetings, Rune-San! Have a Silver Ticket! I tried to get a Golden one, but they were all out.

Don't be nervous, Privet Runedragon. As Pretzel says, be don't bite unless you're made out of chocolate or you meet a vampire boarder. But I'm not sure if they exist or it's just a urban legend.
For newbie present, here you have a pine-scented fork. It's absolutely useless.

Welcome, new friend!

Have a shape-shifter egg! It will hatch into whatever you're thinking about at the time! Just try not to think of anything too dangerous...

No need to feel nervous; we don't bite here-- Well, unless you're made of chocolate. Then you're on your own. --so feel free to relax and have fun.

For your first newbie gifts, I present to you a spiffy Bag or Near-Infinite Holding, a plushie Companion Cube, and a Frying Pan of Doom^TM. Use them well.