Sues seducing every pretty guy,
Slashers slashing horribly,
The holiday season is definitely nigh,
That means more work for us unluckily..

Everybody knows that killing all these Christmas!Sues,
Helps to make the canon right.
Mary Sues with their eyes all rainbow,
Will find it hard to sleep tonight.

They know that Trojie’s on her way
And all that bad biology is going to pay,
Then every Mary Sue is going to die,
And be thrown off towers to see if they can fly...

And so I'm offering this simple phrase,
For Suethors up to ninety-three,
Although its been said many times, many ways,
JUST DON’T PISS OFF THE PPC.

(I'm not really a PPCer, but I used "us" in the fourth line wouldn't sound as good. It's based on the Christmas Song, the "chestnuts roasting" one.)

(To the tune of 'We Three Kings')

We agents of the DMS
Have to fix a Mary Sue’s mess
Weapons loaded, Sue imploded,
Canon can get some rest

O fic of horror, fic of fright
Fic with urple shining light
Badfic leading, still proceeding
Get the department that’s right

Born a boy to two human men
Slashers sigh; they’ve done it again
This forever, ceasing never
Will the bad slash please end?

O fic of horror, fic of fright
Fic with urple shining light
Badfic leading, still proceeding
Get the department that’s right

From Implausible Crossovers am I
Mixing tales brings craziness nigh
Canon’s homecoming, send Sues running
Sanity’s gone to die

O fic of horror, fic of fright
Fic with urple shining light
Badfic leading, still proceeding
Get the department that’s right

Floater am I, a somewhat stoic chap
Have to deal with all kinds of crap
Sueing, slashing, lover bashing
Give the fangirls a slap

O fic of horror, fic of fright
Fic with urple shining light
Badfic leading, still proceeding
Get the department that’s right

I work for the Marquis de Sod
Put recruits in couples quite odd
archive writing, Suefic smiting
Send them off with a nod

O fic of horror, fic of fright
Fic with urple shining light
Badfic leading, still proceeding
Get the department that’s right

(To the tune of Kate Bush's "December Will Be Magic Again".)

Mary Sue is using magic again
Carry weapons on the ice
Try not to slip
A cracked femur
Doesn't feel nice
Mary Sue is using magic again
She's in Mossflow'r, shouldn't have any,
But the Suethors must be contrary

Ooh, drop her down with no parachute
The Mary Sue, she is so beautiful
Until we throw her off the belltower roof
Ooh, soon she will fall
Soon she will fall
Like the snow

Come to make them all love her
(Them all love her)
Until we wake 'em up
Come to sparkle the place up
(Sparkle the place up)
Really screwed it up
So we'll fix up this muck-up
(Fix this muck-up)
Ooh, with a little luck

Mary Sue is using magic again
Light the candle-lights
Make the canon right
On this winter night
Ooh, it's quiet inside
'Cos she's sucked out their minds

Mary Sue is using magic again
Eyes as bright as stars
Planet-sized ego
Her spelling makes us laugh
The brat has got to go now!

Ooh, drop her down with no parachute
The Mary Sue, she is so beautiful
Until we throw her off the belltower roof
Ooh, soon she will fall
Soon she will fall
Like the snow

Come to make them all love her
(Them all love her)
Until we wake 'em up
Come to sparkle the place up
(Sparkle the place up)
Really screwed it up
So we'll fix up this muck-up
(Fix this muck-up)
Ooh, with a little luck

Oh, she's coming to make them all love her
Ooh, and she's coming to sparkle the place up
Ooh, and we're coming to fix up this muck-up.

(Sung to the tune of "People, Look East")

Agents, look out, the console beeps
No time for eating, relaxing, or sleep
Make your blades ready as you're able
Get your drunk partner from under the table
Agents, look out, there's Hell to pay
Sparkly Sue is on the way.

Doctor, oh, Doctor, though you're strong
You'll be a wuss before too long!
Someone is coming to replace you
Coming to upstage and to deface you
Agents, look sharp, and seize the day
Time Lord Sue is on the way.

Gimli, beware! Evil is nigh
Flashing too much breast and thigh
Even in hour when Ring is woken
Aragorn's manly libido she's strokin'
Agents, mount up, into the fray!
Sex-fiend Sue is on the way.

Vimes, keep the Watch watching your back
Hogswatch night's no time to slack!
There is a lady at Death's portal
And we aim to find out if she is mortal
Agents, attack without delay
Godlike Sue is on the way.

Agents, the canon needs our aid
And we can't stop for holidays
String up some tinsel in a hurry
(Good for garrotting a sparkling houri)
Agents, look out, this Christmas Day
Much more work is on the way.