Subject: Coping mechanism
Author:
Posted on: 2010-10-30 19:35:00 UTC
When confronted with such levels of stupefying, over-the-top nonsense (and let's be honest, this is about as over-the-top as you can get), our brains will do anything to preserve themselves. Thus, instead of being reduced to gibbering, twitching wrecks, we laugh. If we didn't, our heads would explode. And believe me, it's hell trying to get stains like that out of a carpet.
I found four more Star Trek badfics. I'll, um, post links to them here. I hope you'll find it your hearts not to electrocute me through my keyboard. Now, while some of these fics are above PG-13, the excerpts I post are not, I promise you. They are, however, wildly, disastrously NSFB. Don't say I didn't warn you. (In case you're wondering where I keep finding these things, I managed to track down an older version of the GAFF board.) So, without further ado, here are the stories.
Burning Thistles Among Thorns, a 'Star Trek: Voyager' fanfic by Deborah L. Wells
Rated R
Sadly(?), this story has been removed from trekiverse.org, so I'm forced to link you to this forum site. Just scroll down to post #17, and you'll find links to every chapter. (Word to the wise: do NOT scroll down.) Janeway and crew are enslaved, or somesuch. Doesn't really matter. A thesaurus must have exploded over this thing. That GAFF reviewer was right. This prose is not purple, this prose is not even urple, this prose is friggin' ultra-violet! Excerpt?
"The scorching ripples of the day's sea of humid false-fire spilling its almost invisible-to-the-eye imperfections, wafting up from the ground like a mirage and transporting a cargo of transparent smoke. Which then rose to life in liquid waves to eventually dart across the arid landscape and disappear into nothingness. As simultaneously, the too thin membranes of fragile vessels composed only of flesh and blood, all quite literally began to melt from the inside out. Stemming from the ever constant and intense exposure, as they continued to face the elevated stage and daisinabsolute silence under the open and spread umbrella of a devil's breath. Otherwise masquerading as the sun, which raged impressively in foreground perspective to them, strung high overhead now, and framing closely behind the shoulders of Toran in silhouette. The optical eclipse sphere illusion playing along his form with bursts of pinpoint spikes, flashing rays of illumination. In some ways, the effect it produced was very much in keeping with the historical painting renditions of the Madonna and Child from Earth's Christianity, bringing to mind the spectral visage of shining auras of lightening-encrusted prism shards, and golden crowns of omnipotent glory."
Uh, yeah, what she said.
Pregnant Lady and a Lift, a 'Star Trek: Voyager' fanfic by Raven Deacastra
Rated R (for a good reason)
A very short fic where, basically, Chakotay and a pregnant Janeway have painful, mechanical sex in a turbo-lift. Also, sharp nails. And ouch, that's gotta hurt. Excerpt?
"'Wait a minute Tom you told Chakotay you wanted to work this weekend.' 'I know I did It's just well she's pregnant again and taking it out on me again.' I really do not like her mood swings.' 'I know how you feel it's not easy having a pregnant wife who already had a temper and it just get's...' 'Hold it right there mister! Unless you plan on sleeping with Neelix for the rest of this trip home you better start explaining that last statement.' 'I well... ItÕs just that... You know I was just.. Kathryn I love you.' 'Good save commander.Ó Tom remarks with a Cheshire grin just glad he is not the only husband on board in the proverbial doghouse. 'I think this is my stop. Good luck commander.' as he leaves the lift he say's under his breath 'you're gonna need it.' Back in the lift Chakotay is looking at his wife that could only be described as pleading and a little trepidation.Praying he has not just sentenced himself to the couch for the next week he reaches for her planning on changing the subject to a more physical conversation."
I can't read a sentence of the UV-prose one without laughing, though I should probably be horrified.
When confronted with such levels of stupefying, over-the-top nonsense (and let's be honest, this is about as over-the-top as you can get), our brains will do anything to preserve themselves. Thus, instead of being reduced to gibbering, twitching wrecks, we laugh. If we didn't, our heads would explode. And believe me, it's hell trying to get stains like that out of a carpet.
Keep Earth Human, a 'Star Trek: TOS' fanfic by Judy Gale
Rated... T, I suppose
Okay, let me get this straight. Judy Sue, a human, is living on Vulcan, married to Spock and pregnant with twins. She's home alone when, all of a sudden, three monumentally stupid villains break into her house to abort her babies, brainwash her into hating Vulcans, and transport her back to earth. Because, you know, her babies would be taints upon the human race. Because they'd be half-Vulcan. Right? Right. The villains are stupid because (among other things) they attempt to carry out the brainwashing and the aborting in the woman's own house, with her relatives less than a minute's walking distance away. And did you know cassette tapes are still commonly used in Spock's time? Things just get progressively dumber from there.
Star Trek TOS: Carol, a fanfic by Syl
Rated T
No excerpts for this one. It'd be pointless. A sicky gooey sticky sappy romance story that, in three-thousand eight-hundred and six words, gives us thirteen instances of the phrase 'I love you' and a grand total of forty-six instances of the word 'love' in various forms (love, lover, loving etc.), all from James Kirk and Carol. Your Honor, I rest my case.
So, there you have it. Four Star Trek abominations, and my own death warrant, which I will now proceed to sign.
SttQ
Because I just love seeing you guys squirm. *uber evil*
Laughter, by Nemesiz '99 (MSTed version)
Count yourselves lucky that I was unable to find the story 'Rest My Child' anywhere. Wasn't for lack of trying, though. As a belated Halloween gift, I will now proceed to blast you with all the fragments of it that I found on GAFF. Moohahahahaaaaa...
"Chakotay walked over to her and stood right infront of her before kneeling down on his knees. He then gently took both her hands on her lap and lifts up to his lip as he kissed both of them. Lifting up his head to look at her face, he saw tears welled up in her eyes 'Kathryn...'"
"He was in the kitchen preparing supper for both of them when Kathryn suddenly for no reason walked up the staircase. He had tried calling her a few times asking where she was going but each time she would ignore him."
"As the doctor waited for the affect of his patient unconscious, he placed a gentle hand on Chakotay. 'Commander, her condition had worsen than I thought. She has suppose to recover from the loss of the child but it only had gotten worst. What has happen to her?'"
"The young boy watched as the woman he thought was his mother leaves, being forced to leave him. His eyes burned with fire and his whole body suddenly exploded, leaving the room on fire, calling for his mother 'MUMMY!'"
"Chakotay couldn't hold back the sob that he was holding before her choke out the sob"
"When she and Chakotay first move in here to stay, the owner had warned them that they were not allowed to go into this room. When Chakotay asked her why, the old woman told him it was better that they do not know, and so they never know about this mystery room."
"'Kathryn! Kathryn!' he tried to wake Kathryn but each attempt failed when he realized that there was blood flowing out from her head."
"Kathryn's back was facing him as Chakotay walked into the living room, his wore an expression of sadness"
"Kathryn was on her knees, flowers in her hand as she stare sadly at the tombstone. She kisses the flower that she was holding and gently placed it near the tombstone. 'Rest in peace little one. May you find the peace that you never find'"
No worries, Star Trek fans. I will keep searching for the story that features all these wonderful lines. If I ever manage to dig it up, I'll put it up on Unclaimed at once. The other four are already there, by the way. *more evil*
If I had Permission I'd be on these in a flash. If you read these, you should have Bleeproducts on hand for the sake of ypur sanity.
the only one of these I read from beginning to end was 'Carol'. I had to, to count the 'loves'. I skipped most of the sex scene in 'Pregnant Lady and a Lift', because it squicked me up, up and away, and I skipped over the ending to 'Keep Earth Human'. The stupid became too much. As for 'Thistles'... No. Just no.
Oh, and don't worry. By the time I was done with these, I'd gulped down so much Bloffee that my room was spinning, and there were little stickmen dancing on my bed.
I take it you'd like me to put these... things... up on Unclaimed?
(Also, you might want to be careful there. You accidentally typed 'ypur' instead of 'your'. There are way too many blue yaks around here already.) ;)
That was an accident...but does that mean that my agent (when I create one) can have an ypur? I want one!
Personally, I don't see why not. There has been precedent, after all. However, I do hope you realize what you're getting yourself into.
Of course, they may very well be conditions that I'm not aware of. When you get permission, maybe you should ask the Permission Giver, just to be safe.
...to see one of my old interludes cited as precedent.
(Though Temujin has quite settled into Teek's life since then, and she's extremely fond of him, despite any number of missing socks, leftovers, pencils, etc. and the fact that his sausage consumption, if accounted for, would probably exceed the GNP of a few smallish countries.)
Once your work gets referred to in other people's conversations, you know you've got it made. :)
Who wouldn't, after crap like that?
(Can I just ask, what does *g* mean?)
Especially that one with the UV prose. I couldn't even finish the example paragraph before wanting to vomit. {X P
(*g* is short for *grin*--the asterisks signify an action in some kinds of online role-play.)
~Neshomeh
I just had a brain-wave. That UV fic reminds me irresistibly of the Eye of Argon. Sure, it's not quite as bad as the "lithe opaque nose", but still.
Dammit, that's the second piece of literature this UV thing's reminded me of.
(By the way, Neshomeh, were you the one who replied to my post on the ASC Award? Just asking posting that reply was anonymous.)
This is the kind of stuff that makes a person's eyes (and brain) glaze over. You've got to hand it to Deborah Wells, though. She was able to maintain the same level of UV radiation for twenty-four whole chapters. I'm not kidding. Every paragraph in every chapter is of the same caliber. Aaaaggghhh!
Even more unsettling is the fact that this story was, by an overwhelming majority, proclaimed the best Janeway/Chakotay story for 1998. Meaning that the damn thing won an ASC award. Reviews were invariably gushing. It's true! Here, look at this.
Wrap your mind around that, if you can. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go hide under the bed.
That... thing won an award? People liked having their brain flooded with UV radiation?
*reaches for more Bleeprin*
Maybe they liked the utter, total brain-breakage it gave them. Took to it like some kind of narcotic.
Is it normal that 'Shambleau' just popped into my head as I was typing that last sentence?
Hmmm... Pass me some of that Bleeprin, would you?