Have a sonic screwdriver and a bag of jelly babies, please use responsibly.

Welcome, new friend!

Have a moist towelette and a strategy guide to the end guy of the internet (it's hard)!

Have an assortment of pointy objects. Including, but not limited to, toothpicks, lectures, stiletto shoes and Vampire fangs.

Welcome, and have a pineapple. Keep it for emergency rations in that one badfic, or use it as a blunt weapon for massive damage!

This is probably the most useful newbie-welcoming-gift I have ever given. How odd.

Also, although you've apparently seen the wiki already, here is our pre-prepared list of Links which we throw at bestow upon all new members. We hope they're useful.

In relative order of sensible-reading-ness, they are:

* The Original PPC Series, which we assume you've already read.
* The List of Killed Badfic, which will direct you to a large number of non-Original PPC Missions.

The Board:
* The Board Constitution
* The FAQ: For the Board

The Wiki:
* We have our very own PPC Wiki
* The very-important-to-read-before-requesting-Permission Permission article
* Our Guide To The PPC
* The Mission Writing Guide
* The Slash-Sporking Guide
* The FAQ: For Newbies.
When you are ready to edit the wiki, make sure to read Neshomeh's excellent editing tutorial.

And finally, but very usefully,
* The List of Everything PPC

I would like to join this when I get permission, but due to certain things, I might need to wait, so yeah. If I could, though, then I would like to go looking for some badfic on this here internet, and expand on some concepts such as these Anthropomorphic Personification stuff such as Discworld's Death.
Even then, I'm not too good at writing in-character in fanfiction: However, I do know that Hermione isn't a whore, Ron isn't a Complete Monster, Draco isn't an almighty sex-god that can do no wrong, and obvious OOC stuff like that (at least, without good reason). However though, I have some trouble trying to mimic their speech patterns and similar stuff involving words coming out of their mouths.
Anyway, enough blabbing about this, so thank you all.

Nice to meet you. Have a leash-and-harness set; it's flame-retardant, and perfectly sized for most brains.

Is there perchance something shorter we could call you?

Welcome to the Board! Have some chocolate, won't you?

Seriously you can get them anywhere, now the Dominion have gone.

Please enjoy this bucket full of Canadian coins as a welcoming gift.

This is Prostetnic Vogon Ventz, from the Galactic Fanfic Regulation Council. It is my pleasure to inform you that your planet is sceduled for demolit. . . sorry, habit. Have some goodfic, it's great to have you here! http://ppc.wikia.com/wiki/Legendary_Goodfic>

Have a water staff!

Hello! Have a seventeen foot long, multicolored, wool, knit scarf (curly wig not included), and a bag of jelly babies.

Fair winds!

You can throw BBQs now!

Have a supply of Bleeprin for your next journey into fangirl world.

Have a pet cat. You may name him whatever you wish.

You here a sound. It was faint at first, just at the edge of one's hearing, but as the wind kicked up, the sound came in clearer, louder: a screeching, grinding wail, rhythmically pulsing like the beat of a human heart. A light appeared, shimmering in time, and with every pulse grew brighter. Then, with a clunk and a whir, a large blur police box solidified, the wail petering off into a gentle sub-sonic hum. The Door on the side of the police box opens and a tall thin man pops out.

"Hello, I'm the Doctor." To the uneducated observer, the tall thin man looked like some kind of crazed old-fashioned professor, with his tweed jacket and suspenders and bow-tie, but he was too young to be a professor, his hair hair coiffed in some kind of pompadour. His eyes gave away what he was. Eyes that had seen empires rise and fall, galaxies come into being, stars being born. Eyes that had seen everything, eyes that were looking confused.

"Oh, I am terribly sorry sir, I seem to have wandered into here by mistake. Here, have a bag of jelly beans and I'll be going." And with those words the man popped back into his box and, in a method similar to its arrival only reversed, the police box vanishes. And as the last waves of sound fade a blond man in a black duster comes around a corner an walks up to you with a black backpack in hand.

"Here, catch." He says, tossing you the bag. "It's a bag of holding containing two generic guns, two generic swords, 4 generic knives, and 13 shuriken. Have fun and try not to maim anyone." and with that he walks off.

Have a gun. Useful for killing Sues, persistant Author-Wraiths, and threatening mad people here at the PPC.

Don't feed it Sues. Gneric Meat would do.

*hands a cupcake and a Pidgin*

Here, have a cupcake! They're gluten-free, low-glycemic, corn-free, highly caffeinated, chocolaty, and come with either buttercreme or german chocolate shredded coconut frosting! I made them this morning and have pleanty to go around!

*looks dubiously at the Pidgin in the other hand*

And that's a Pidgin. They're really really useful if you want to translate something a Sue/Fanbrat has said into something that you might be able to understand... And they can learn that language... And... Please take one, they're reproducing in my RC and I don't know what to do with them all...




Please?