Subject: Thank you!
Author:
Posted on: 2010-07-29 09:05:00 UTC
I am Italian, so I already had a lot of things ponted and corrected in the first beta run. However, since the second draft had only the final paragraph as non-betaed I had to post it already, since Anamia, that was supposed to beta-read it, disappeared (I am not angry for that, it's obvious that she has a life beside PPC)
http://wwwnew.splinder.com/myblog/post/723639/23075285/yes
Here's my first mission. Hope it was a good idea to give me Permission.
I don't Card Captor Sakura, but I like your agents. "Can I eat her now?" Ha!
Sorry, I can't give you much help otherwise- I don't know anything about Card Captor Sakura
Yup, I still think it was a good idea. You already know it still needs work, so I won't go into that. I liked the parts with Corolla getting accidentally smushed (though I'm glad she's okay!), and with the different take on Sue tactics. {= )
~Neshomeh
It's also my first full story in English, so I am happy that it isn't bad! I'll keep working on my english, and when I get a new PC I'll write missions with a proper program with spelling check, Notepad doesn't allow to automatically correct typos.
Looks good so far! I'm actually quite interested to see more of these two.
OK, let's see.
I liked the idea of a new Sue species that pushes canon to the background rather than outright Sueing it. There's definitely good fanfiction to be had in the idea of "borrowing the world, and not the characters" (like the way you might write a story about an OC who lived in Minas Tirith during the Battle of Pelennor Fields, and give the Fellowship cameos)... but this wasn't it. This was, as far as I can tell from your mission, not just borrowing the world but deliberately making the main characters unimportant in their own canon--rather an insidious sort of attack, I think.
Anyhow, you're right about it needing a beta; you've got typos in there still. I think a description of the RC and other locations would be good, too, so we know what the setting looks like.
Yay for first missions! I swear I'm going to write my first one sooner or later, really I am...
I am Italian, so I already had a lot of things ponted and corrected in the first beta run. However, since the second draft had only the final paragraph as non-betaed I had to post it already, since Anamia, that was supposed to beta-read it, disappeared (I am not angry for that, it's obvious that she has a life beside PPC)
I think you have a lot of potential to work with re. Corolla and her small size. Just throw in a malfunctioning Disguise Generator and voila! instant hilarity... :P
I already had that idea for the next mission, you spoiled all!