Subject: Well...
Author:
Posted on: 2010-07-27 06:53:00 UTC
To be entirely accurate, cocaine is a stimulant. And this... ah, thing's existence would be better explained by a strong hallucinogen, I think. LSD, perhaps? Peyote? My money is on the LSD, personally.
Say, here's a question for you. What do you get when you cross Harry Potter, Metalocalypse, and the imagination of a sugar-high 13-year-old boy?
If that question stumped you, you have obviously never experienced the glory that is my new favorite badfic, HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2554200/1/HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
That's really what it's called. HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. From what I can tell, of the "plot," it's about Harry Potter, a lone warrior armed with only a Groinsaw and his guitar ...slayer, scouring the universe to steal food for himself and Dumbledore.
Select passages:
"Dobby relished his groinsaw's roar as he withdrew the flesh-choked blade from the astronaut's ruined skull."
"Harry swung the guitar through Dobby's chicken neck. He took the head of his fallen dwarfslave and tore open his stomach, stuffing the head inside. Harry vomited steam and summoned a great meteor from space to smash into Hogwarts and kill everyone there, for no reason at all."
"Harry, you must rock the ... out."
"Harry channeled his rage through ...slayer. The angel blood boiled as he summoned the great meteor, swathed with the blood of the tiny ...lings at Hogwarts, leapt onto it, and flew into space. He encased the entire meteor in a wreath of holy ...fire and flew through Mercury, killing the ... out of it. Then he sent Mercury's carcass into Venus, killing the ... out of it and making every vagina in the galaxy explode, and inside every vagina a booby sang of mortal life's fleeting precipice."
"Harry slammed his book shut. It wasn't really a book, because the pages were made of lasers and the words were made of headless women making godless love to dragons made out of motorcycles, but it was still reading"
"I am Rape Radbury. I write critically acclaimed fiction that always turns into fact. That's why I have more money than anyone."
"Harry squinted so he could see the subatomic strings of the ropes. He began tossing antimatter at them with his mind as a group of children entered the rape ape's hiding place. They were well-groomed and impeccably attired, and there were 5.8 of them, just enough to represent an array of genders and races that would leave no one unhappy, save for the Eskimos."
"He thought about sandwiches."
This... this is quite incredible. It's like some horrible comic book that 90's Kid would probably really enjoy... I keep hearing all the quotes in his voice. And then I'm just getting used to the level of weird and disturbing and it throws something completely new.
Should I know what a Groinsaw is? Do I want to?
Though that line about the book is actually sort of funny.
Gyeh?! Gurgle--choke--BGAAAAAH!
My brain just broke.
The best way to describe this fic is "Michelangelo got high on cocaine and shrooms--simultaneously--then timetraveled into the future, still stoned out of his mind, where some fool showed him Star Wars and Harry Potter and got him even /more/ high on synthetic chemicals unavailable in his own time. Eye of Argon may or may not have been involved. The resulting combination caused his head to explode, and the disembodied brain matter coagulated into a consciousness that then possessed the Internet. The Internet being the Internet, the consciousness lost what coherence it had left and wrote the fanfiction."
...Wow. That almost sounded like something that would have been in the fic itself, minus cosmic Lovecraftian forces that bleed lasers and Tyrannosaur-bear hybrids on hovercrafts. With chainsaws for eyes.
Is it disturbing that I can even come up with this concept?
If you wrote that, I would totally read it. Just so you know. (It would explain so much about the Internet!)
I agree with your (slightly creepy) description...
BTW, what do we have to do to feature this as Legendary Badfic?
...is having its own TVTropes page enough notoriety to be considered "legendary"?
In any event, it's definitely bleepfic. I could just feel my brain dying reading that thing. It is totally logic-missing.
I don't know who this author is, but I like him! This is like My Immortal if Tara Gillesbie actually knew how to write!
The bit about the awesome!book was by far the best.
Am I the only one who was reminded of this? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KevzcHUUKAY
...except that My Immortal is more organized than this. Tara actually has somewhat of a plot (Although an incomprehensible one) going on, while this person just wrote randomly.
Then it's like... My Immortal meets Eye of Argon meets... no plot. I dunno. Almost as entertaining as reading the fic itself is reading the reviews.
It's just bizarre, nonsensical, and the author has no idea how to use a thesaurus. ("Lithe, opaque nose," anyone? I guess it's better than a transparent nose.)
Also, it's almost entirely composed of Narm and Ham.
As for being composed of Narm and Ham... you mean this isn't?
Hey, it even has a TV Tropes page:
http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/ThirtyHs
Anyway, I was just saying there were a few similarities between this fic and Eye of Argon. I never said they were the same.
Well, the PPC is notorious for insanity, I guess...
At least, I suppose, there is an actual grasp of grammar here but... I think I may have preferred it if it hadn't; if had been gibberish I wouldn't have had to understand any of it.
My mind hurts from trying to compute mental images.
Reminds me of Axe Cop.
PFFT. So lulzy.
If you'll pardon my chanspeak.
That is crackfic in the most literal meaning of the word. Where did that come from?
For that to be true, the writer would have had to partake of crack cocaine. Let's not hope there are no literal crack fics on the internet.
There is no other way, in Heaven, Earth or Hell, that anyone could have written that without being under the influence of narcotics...
It's... so... Horrible and nonsense. This one was Pink Stuff drunk, seriously.
I'll lend some Bleeprin to agents brave enough to kill it.
*Laughs uncontrollably.*
This is awesome.
"Harry slammed his book shut. It wasn't really a book, because the pages were made of lasers and the words were made of headless women making godless love to dragons made out of motorcycles, but it was still reading"
It makes no sense, but it's so funny I just don't care :D
Hmm. This looks like a whole slew of...
Big Lipped Alligator Moments!
((For those of you who don't know what a Big Lipped Alligator Moment is, watch this explanation.))
...what even.
I don't —
— what.