I thought I'd present a "gift" to the PPC to "celebrate" the acquisition of our new category of awfulness, the Bleepfic, and boy is this ever one!

It's The Golden Age, a Harry Potter fic. I will start out by saying that the author is a pretty good writer, at least as far as grammar and spelling are concerned. S/h/it does seem to enjoy J.K. Rowling's prose style (though not her plot) and does a pretty good imitation of it. But good grammar is no excuse for the massive amount of canonfail.

Next to those fics that actually rewrite the entire books, this is the biggest piece of wish-fulfillment crap I've ever seen come out of the Potter fandom. It's hardly Potter at all, it's the characters' names tacked onto a soap opera cast, with lots of rape, idiotic abusive men, paternity scandals, and that sort of thing. It's blatant fanservice for the author and no one else, essentially. Running down the main badficcy points here:

* To start with, there's Dumbledore. In canon, of course, he's kind of a manipulative bastard, but he's a wise, deeply regretful manipulative bastard with a lot of demons he's trying to atone for. This fic tosses out the atoner part. It's heavily implied, for instance, that he did not send Harry to the Durseleys because he had a blood ward spell tying him to Petunia (the canonical explanation), but because he hoped the Dursleys' abuse would drive Harry to suicide, which would also kill Voldemort... or something. Never mind that Dumbledore COULDN'T have known Harry needed to "die" to kill Voldemort prior to the fourth book, and would have no reason to plan it from that early. Adding to that, it's ALSO heavily implied that there was a way around the Prophecy (something never even SUGGESTED in canon), and thus Dumbledore was a dick for no reason at all!
* Of course, where we have Monstrous Dumbledore, Saint Snape can't be far behind. Snape endures a bizarre POSTHUMOUS Woobification; apparently, nobody cared about him enough to go looking for his body before the little animals got to it. Ick. From his headmaster portrait, he's also a whiny mope who throws hissyfits at Harry and harps on Dumbledore's portrait.
* This is another author who just doesn't get that BLOOD PREJUDICE IS RACISM, okay. It turns out, oh no, Muggleborns don't actually exist! Where do they come from, then? Well, that's even more disturbing than the race-fail. It seems most "Muggleborns" are actually the result of Pureblood wizards raping Muggle women! What's more, the Ministry has a secret department whose job it is to catalog these rapes but do nothing to prevent them! Apparently, Hermione is actually the daughter of Mr. Crouch, and Lily was the daughter of a long-dead uncle of Molly's. Oh, and Lucius has a rape-baby, too!
* Speaking of Lucius, despite being a known rapist, the fic paints him as an extremely sympathetic character. Oh, he WASN'T actually a Death Eater in book 2, and didn't know about the Horcruxes; he just thought the curse on the Diary was a harmless prank that would embarrass the Weasleys at school. Poor old Lucius...
* And of course, there's the Weasleys. Arthur's okay, it's very rare you see evil Arthur, but Molly is now an overbearing stage-mother obsessed with getting Ginny awards and the like and domesticizing Hermione to make a good wife to Ron. Has anyone here seen the Willy Wonka remake? Remember Violet's mother in that? That's essentially Molly's new personality. Oh, and she was already pregnant with Bill by sixth year. Ron, of course, is now slovenly, sexist, and borderline sociopathic. He'll do anything as long as it's funny, including ruining Hermione's books with a prank flower than shoots water. The author specifically stated that she changed his personality to this because she personally does not find pranks funny. Oh, and he's a pedophile. Last we see of him, in a chapter set post-epilogue, he's run off with Oliver's teenage daughter. We don't see much of Ginny, but we're told her relationship with Harry is completely fake, to please her mother.
* Hermione is a grade-a witch (with a "b"). Marietta Edgecombe commits suicide because Hermione "accidentally forgot" to remove the pimple hex, and when Marietta's mother comes after her, Hermione mind-rapes her. She also accepts that she's a Crouch, even changing her name and FORGIVING all three Crouches through their portraits. In the end, she becomes pretty much a clone of Umbridge. Except on drugs. That she bought from George. Really.
* Harry is a boor-headed war veteran who is always stuck in his glory days and can't accept that they're gone. He and Hermione have drunk sex sometimes.
* Then there's Jane Rochester, an OC and descendant of "the two fictional characters who have never disappointed me," says the author (and bearing both their names; yes, THAT Jane and THAT Rochester). She basically exists to infodump about how horrible the Marauders were and be a git to the Trio; it's quite apparent, however, that of all the characters in the fic, she is the one we're supposed to side with above all others. And she can revive the dead through some weird time-paradox-y ritual.
* And watch out! Here comes John Wellington Wells from Gilbert and Sullivan's "The Sorcerer" in a random cameo!
* The author seems to have something against the Irish. Irish Wizards are portrayed as bloodthirsty religious fanatics who sacrifice their own children.
* There is a chapter called "Harry Potter and the Midlife Crisis."
* Neville is flamethrowered to death.
* Hermione is randomly gored by a unicorn.
* And in the final chapter, it's implied that a prank from James Sirius (son of Harry and Ginny and therefore the spawn of Satan) will indirectly destroy the Earth in the near future. Yes, really.

But I've talked too much. Here's the link for any prospective claimants:
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3682339/1/TheGoldenAge

Don't say you weren't warned...