Subject: Review!
Author:
Posted on: 2013-04-26 06:33:00 UTC

It has to be a quick one, since I need to get to bed, but here it is nonetheless!

I agree with Herr that a few more quotes showing the OC being Sueish would have made this stronger; or else spend a bit more time describing things so that we can see what's going wrong without a direct quote. Having the characters gripe about it to each other, while certainly a vital component to any mission, isn't always the best method for telling us about the badfic, since it essentially puts the audience at an extra remove from the action. It especially bugged me that we didn't see Kestrel woo any undead dwarves, since that was the main problem set out at the beginning of the mission.

The descriptions you do have are good, though, like the floating eyeballs and the zombie dwarves. I noticed that Eledhwen and Christianne kept it together remarkably well aside from the distortions affecting them, and I do like the inclusion of Bleepolate milk to combat the effects. Yay MiB. I would have been extremely disappointed if no one had incorporated that into the PPC universe. ^^

Somewhat related, one final note: beware the evil "as"! If left unchecked, it will force your characters to do impossible things like speak and chug at the same time, like so:

“Mini-Balrog up ahead,” the elleth said weakly as she chugged the Bleepolate milk.

I'm pretty sure even the Eldar would have difficulty mastering such an art, having but one mouth, same as us mere mortals. ^
~

~Neshomeh

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