Subject: Permission granted, provided...
Author:
Posted on: 2010-05-06 02:19:00 UTC

... that you watch your dialogue tags and put line breaks between paragraphs and lines of dialogue from now on. For example, this:

The S.O. was sitting behind a desk, staring at them. Well, Silikat assumed it was staring at them, as it had no eyes and therefore no expressions. Apparently, it came with being a Flower. The sight of a Sunflower in a business suit made the Sue behind her gasp, but just made Silikat think about how bizarre her job was.
Silikat, what do you want? And is that a Sue? The Sunflower demanded, pointing a leaf at the pair.
“Brought this into HQ. Don’t really know what she is. She fell through a plothole.” The Jellicle explained, still aware that the Sue was staring at them slack jawed. Irate as she was, Silikat just wanted to get rid of her, sadistic as she was.
Did you think of asking it? The Flower sounded sarcastic, and Sili gulped. No, she hadn’t thought of that, but since when was an Agent capable of logical thought?

Should look like this:
The S.O. was sitting behind a desk, staring at them. Well, Silikat assumed it was staring at them, as it had no eyes and therefore no expressions. Apparently, it came with being a Flower. The sight of a Sunflower in a business suit made the Sue behind her gasp, but just made Silikat think about how bizarre her job was.

Silikat, what do you want? And is that a Sue? [t]he Sunflower demanded, pointing a leaf at the pair.

“Brought this into HQ. Don’t really know what she is. She fell through a plothole[,]” [t]he Jellicle explained, still aware that the Sue was staring at them slack[-]jawed. Irate as she was, Silikat just wanted to get rid of her, sadistic as she was.

Did you think of asking it? The Flower sounded sarcastic, and Sili gulped. No, she hadn’t thought of that, but since when was an Agent capable of logical thought?

I used square brackets to highlight changes, and the red bit is repetitive language, which you also want to watch out for. {= )

Otherwise, I like the agents, I like the story (is it based on one you wrote?), and I'm interested to see what you do now. Go! Be free! {X D

~Neshomeh

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