I can has permission? - PPC Posting Board

Subject: I can has permission?
Author: Edward Wilder
Posted on: 2010-05-04 12:03:00 UTC

So yeah, its permission time! Here are my agents.

Agent Julius Riddick
Department: of Mary Sues, formerly Freelance Division
Appearence: 6'2", long hair dyed black, a three-inch scar above his left eye, angular features, very skinny, with wiry muscles (which he's ticked off about because, "When have women found wiry muscles attractive?")
LO: He refuses to tell anyone anything, but he's been observed to have a thing for redheads.
Personality: Julius Riddick hasn't been at the PPC very long, but he likes to act like he's been around for a while. He's rather bad-tempered, but is more 'endearingly grumpy' than 'gets angry a lot'. He pretends not to, but he's very fond of his partner and quite loyal to her. He has an awful tendancy to wax philisophical, maniacal, or just plain weird, and listens to techno 'music'. He gets rather hack-happy with his favorite black ax, but since when is it a crime to get good at your job? However, he knows very little about the Harry Potter contiunuum, so he's been partnered with -

Agent Leila Asher
Department: of Mary Sues, formerly DoI
Appearence: 5'7", black hair cropped short around the jawline, some very, very old scars along her wrists that Julius is pretending not to see so long as there aren't any more of them, rather petite, delicate features, and not as strong as she would like.
LO: Remus Lupin, Sirius Black, Doctor Who, and others...
Personality: Leila gets very shy around new people, but is exuberent to the point of disbelief once she opens up to someone, which she does pretty quickly. She has a tendancy to adress everyone as 'matey' or 'good sir'. Leila isn't actually very good at fighting, but she was assigned to DMS because a) from her DoI days, she's gotten very good at assembling chargelists, b) she's one of the few Agents who knows how to work the HQ computers, and c) she's very familiar with the various canons Agent Riddick isn't (familiar with). She's memorized most of Harry Potter and Doctor Who, but is familiar with other canons (and geek rock).

Okay, that seems to be everything...Oh, the link to my writings! This will be my first mission I post, if I do manage to snag permission. http://edward-wilder.livejournal.com/587.html

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I can has permission? by Edward Wilder on 2010-05-04 12:03:00 UTC

Permission granted! by Neshomeh on 2010-05-04 17:15:00 UTC Reply

I have to ask "why Riddick?" but other than that the characters look good.

There are minor errors throughout the mission (missing words, misplaced apostrophes), but nothing too egregious. Be careful with your semi-colons, though, and don't use them where you really need a colon. That seems to be a Thing in British English, but to judge by your spelling, you don't have that excuse. {= P

One guideline I've found quite helpful with semi-colons is that they work best when used in place of a comma and a conjunction (and, but, or, because, etc.). But don't use a semi-colon when one of those would work better, of course. And if what it's standing in place of is "therefore," "and so," or something like that, you probably want a colon. It's to do with the direction of causality.

A couple of specific pointers:

- "black hair cut chin-height" should be "chin-length." The hair isn't growing up from the ground. {= )

- "I sighed, and muttered something rude about yaoi fangirls as I poured some food into Hattie’s bowl. She punched the appropriate information ..." This sounds like Hattie is punching in the information.

- Lily is spelled with two Ls (Lily), not three (Lilly). If you need to double-check this sort of thing, I recommend the Harry Potter Lexicon. They have just about everything you could ever want to know and then some.

- How exactly did the author misspell Grimmauld Place? That's something that should probably be quoted for the reader's benefit rather than just mentioned.

- I'd have thought Julius wouldn't be too keen on the kraken after the incident with the Watcher in the Water. You might want to mention flashbacks or something.

Overall, though, a good read. Good job!

~Neshomeh