I haven't gotten past the first chapter quite yet, but the biggest problem I'm seeing thus far has nothing to do with being a Sue and more to do with you can't decide who's perspective the story is from - Rory's or Havoc's.

It keeps swapping back and forth. We should only hear the thoughts and feelings of one of the characters in the narrative -

In the first paragraph:
"Aw shit, I knew I should have sprang for the sleeping pills." Rory Fox Mustang ruffled her dark hair for the nth time that day as she nodded her apology to Havoc

- it shows that Rory is our perspective. She's the first to talk, the first to be introduced. I also take it that all of the little aggravated comments are hers too:
"Who knew you still had to baby-sit fifteen-year-olds? Not possible!"

But in the rest of the story, we're constantly treated to Havoc being the active character. Havoc babysits Rory. Havoc is being inconvenienced. We get inside looks into how Havoc responds to comments.
"Havoc sighed. Did both Mustangs have to insult him?"


You need to choose one or the other to keep as the active character. We only hear their thoughts, and only get glimpses of their personality. Trying to do both only gets confusing.

*goes back to reading*

Just finished The Niece - the real test for sueness will probably be in the second story, but a few comments before I move on:

1) The second sentence has a word mismatch. "And for the past week or saw, First Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye had not made a peep about it, not minding the Colonel's constant absences."

2) The writing is a bit clumsy all around but nothing particularly bad. You're probably aware of this as an older work.

3) The 'reveal' is a bit much. Hawkeye and Mustang wouldn't spend so much time revealing the facts to the group, particularly since they just admitted to stalking him for so long. They'd be indignant and probably wouldn't reveal much information past "this is the Colonel's Niece."

In particular, you shouldn't mention her parents' death in this story. It adds nothing to the narrative and seems out of place in the light-hearted comical tone. Save the backstory for later.


Otherwise, fun read. I particularly liked the shameless music suggestions. They really made the sleuthing scenes.

*goes on to read second fic*