Subject: A few similar comments...
Author:
Posted on: 2010-03-17 02:56:00 UTC
You also have some capitalisation issues - mostly things in lower case when they shouldn't be, and some random capitals Where they make no sense - and the occasional weird comma use. Nothing a good beta couldn't fix.
I also quite like your story :)
I, Bronwyn do hereby swear to uphold the laws and Canon of the Multi-verse and PPC.
I swear not to kill a Mary-Sue before gathering appropriate charges nor pull a Mister Rogers without due process. I now put my Agent Eileen up for Judgment:
Agent Eileen
Species: Human
Home Continuum: Lord of the rings, was rescued from sue story as child bit-character and brought to the nursery, where she was promptly renamed via the song on the radio.
Height: 5’8”
Hair: Red, Frizzy, shoulder length; Kept in a loose ponytail,
Eyes: Gray
Age: approx. 16-20 (age was unspecified in Fic)
Department: Mary-Sue Research and experimentation (RaE for short)
Previous Partner/Department: was raised in PPC Nursery
Partner: Agent Aisling (sometimes)
Weapon of Choice: Scimitar, Daggers
Music of Choice: The Who, Janis Joplin, Franz Ferdinand,
Books of Choice: L.o.t.R. trilogy, Simarillion, Terry Pratchett
Pet peeves: Mary-sues, idiot writers, plot holes you can drive a truck through, Dexy’s midnight runners jokes,
Phobias: landing, cows, things-that-always-brush-past-your-leg-while-wading-through-water,
Lust Object: Adric (Doctor Who), eleventh Doctor, Charlie Weasley, Trevor (from unseen academicals)
Mini: Reaper: Marsha, Myssa,
Personality: Very hyper, and a sort of… bouncy individual. Literally, when excited she has a nasty habit of bouncing on the spot. Quick to apologize for things that aren’t necessarily her fault, but she can sulk with the best of them. Due her brief stint in a sue-fic as a child bit-character she tends to not grasp sarcasm as well as others, and has a thin skin when it comes to insults. Has a tendency to Squee occasionally and in extreme conditions will stampede.
Special quirks/abilities: Has a third Arm due to general bad writing in her brief description in Sue-fic as a child bit-character.
And now for the Link to the writing sample: http://docs.google.com/View?id=df4qxpsx_7wvxfdvf2
If right to give permission is measured in a numbered scale, I'm in the negative, but I just wanted to know where, exactly, the third arm is meant to BE. Middle of the back? Middle of the front? Out of one armpit? Out of one shoulder? This I must know.
No Trojies? Okay. Permission granted! So stop worrying so much. ^_~
I agree with Helen about your story--I like that the character's voice comes through so well. It's a very elegant (if melancholy) summation of a person's life. I'm sure there are real people just like her. There are a few small mechanical errors ("week to week" should not be hyphenated there, toward the end; and "would still had have food left-over" should be "would still have had food left over"), but once those all get fixed up you might think about sending it to a magazine or something. Can't hurt to try, anyway. {= )
I do still wonder about Eileen's third arm, though. I mean, I'm sure Medical could have removed it... so why keep it? Is it actually functional somehow?
~Neshomeh
You also have some capitalisation issues - mostly things in lower case when they shouldn't be, and some random capitals Where they make no sense - and the occasional weird comma use. Nothing a good beta couldn't fix.
I also quite like your story :)
Or it could be that, while non-functional, it doesn't harm or hinder her in any way, and so the overworked Medical staff gave her some aspirin and told her to go away.
I haven't written anything on here in ages, just happened to stop by for a bit and read your writing sample. Wanted to say that I really enjoyed it. The character had such a clear, strong voice. I was fascinated. Good job.
*returns to lurking*