Subject: Re: Opinions
Author:
Posted on: 2010-02-25 21:47:00 UTC
I didn't finish it - if I have time I'll read more - but from what I read, here goes:
I was impressed by your knowledge of The Silmarillion. I always enjoy it when writers work stuff from it into their stories.
I can tell that you're trying to avoid making her a Mary Sue, and it does help - she makes mistakes, and that's good. I particularly liked that you had her feeling guilty and sort of apologizing in chapter eight. She does still come off (at least to me) as a Sue because of her Sueish traits, e.g. rare hair and eye colors, special powers, and canon characters spending all this time around her.
As for the writing itself: it's OK to say "brown/green eyes" instead of "chocolate orbs" or "jade optical." You might also want to avoid having scenes that are just straight from the movie without anything changed or added - if you want to have a scene that's the same, try having a character's thoughts and feelings added or something like that.
There were some parts that I thought were funny, which is always nice.