Bravo! by
doctorlit
on 2010-01-13 04:41:00 UTC
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I think you did a very nice job of characterizing your agents in their first go-through here. Between the two, they seem to cover both ends of the cazy spectrum. I like the way S.A.M.S. swears in that military code I don't know the name of, and I also like how she expresses her emotions visually, but unconsciously, sort of like in old Disney/Looney Tunes cartoons (growing devil horns and the like).
A couple of little notes/questions:
First, how is Sidhe's name pronounced? In my head, I say SEE-duh.
Second, I noticed that in the paragraph where S.A.M.S. reveals herself to the 'Sue, tunnel is misspelled "tunel." Which sounds to me like a funnel for tuna.
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Re: shameless first-mission plug by
Ansela
on 2010-01-12 04:27:00 UTC
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Pretty good, though I don't know the canon.
Are the font changes deliberate? It's a bit... jarring for the font to change from one paragraph to the next.
As for the cuts... are you posting using the rich text editor? That's the usual culprit for effing up a cut in such a way. I don't know how to fix it if you are, besides going into the HTML editor and completely stripping all coding and manually coding everything.
Nicely done by
Sedri
on 2010-01-12 04:18:00 UTC
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Nicely done; you worked in that bit about Sam's Sueish traits vanishing upon notice quite well, if a bit subtely.
There's one thing I must mention, and which you were probably unaware of (I really must finish that Newbie FAQ soon): canon characters will always remain under the Sue's influence until she is dead, and you had Hogan walk off without trying to help her. It's not too big a deal this time since the author apparently didn't write him as liking her very much, aside from going a bit parental, but next time be aware that one of the main problems for most agents is making the kill covertly, or restraining the canon characters until the Sue is dead.
Other than that, not bad. Congratulations on your first mission.
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I like it by
Bronwyn
on 2010-01-12 03:19:00 UTC
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It is very nice even though I had no clue there was a 'Hogan's Heroes' thing but I like. And the Sue was bad. But the ice pick was a nice touch.