Ohh... tempting to try a whole song. Not just the first line and let everyone else do the rest! However I will spare the world my singing, Sues may sing with the birds but I sing with my dog... and she sounds far better then I do!

I planned to do this one last year, but never got round to it. Finally finished!

"It was Christmas Eve (we think)
In Headquarters
My partner said to me
"We've got another one!"
A Sue that sang a song
'Bout Frodo's eyes so blue
I turned my face away
But our duty we must do

We got a nasty one
It won't be easily done
I got a feeling there'll be trouble with this Sue
But happy Christmas
If we survive this
We'll get vacation if it's the last thing we do

She's got tits out to here, hair like rivers of gold
And she smashed up the canon, or so we've been told
So we take up our blades on this cold Christmas eve
And we gulp down the Bleepsinthe while waiting for she

She's so sweet, she's so pretty
Princess of Gondor city
When she sings and she dances they howl out for more
Her sword she's a-swinging
Kelly Clarkson she's singing
She bears Frodo's children, calls Arwen a whore

The girls and boys of the PPC
The Sue have vowed to slay
While the canon characters scream and run away

She's a brat, she's a punk, she's a pain writing junk
Staring into the screen, typing "PLEEZ DUN B MEEN!"
You slimy young maggot, call Samwise a faggot?!
Merry Christmas my arse, I thank God it's your last!

The girls and boys of the PPC
The Sue have vowed to slay
While the canon characters scream and run away

"I oughta leave HQ ..."
"Oh, don't do that, I'll miss you!
You've helped me stay half-sane
Since I first found you!"
"I guess you have a point.
Hey, pass the Bleeprin here.
This job's not always bad, as long as I'm with you."

The girls and boys of the PPC
The Sue have vowed to slay
While the canon characters scream and run away."

To the tune of "Bring a Torch, Jeanette, Isabella"
A tribute to DOGA.

Bring a torch, Selene and Dafydd,
Bring flamethrowers, come hurry and run!
It's a palace, a palace in Mirkwood,
Abusive!Thranduil, and "Leggy" calling:
Ah, ah! Beautiful is the Mary,
Ah, ah! Beautiful is the Sue!

It is wrong to muck with the Canon,
It is wrong to warp time and space.
Hasten now, Selene and Dafydd!
Lest you be late, and miss the charges.
Ha, ha! Look at the stupid palace!
Ha, ha! Look at the stupid 'Sue!

Swiftly now, to burn the palace,
Swiftly now, to burn the 'Sue.
See how prettily it is burning,
See how the fire restores the Canon!
Ah, ah! Beautiful is the fire,
Ah, ah! Beautiful are the flames!

~Neshomeh

*fails at life*

Suethors We Have Heard On High (A tribute to the DMS, sorta)
Suethors we have heard on high
Blithely singing their foul songs,
And the characters reply
Applauding these monstrous wrongs.

Rhachon le, labo vi Orodruin!
Rhachon le, labo vi Orodruin!

Canons, why listen to this?
Why resign now to your fates?
Why do they bring you such bliss?
Do not fall for this snake's baits.

Rhachon le, Labo vi Orodruin!
Rhachon le, Labo vi Orodruin!

Come to Headquarters and see
Agents whose quest the Sues to sting;
With unmitigated glee,
They excel at their slaying.

Rhachon le, Labo vi Orodruin!
Rhachon le, Labo vi Orodruin!

Jay, Cassie Young, Laburnum
Acacia, Nat, Foxglove
Hunters of the Sue so dumb,
To them hearts in love we raise.

Rhachon le, Labo vi Orodruin!
Rhachon le, Labo vi Orodruin!

(I know Orodruin is a bit awkward, syllable-wise, but it still works.)

after the tune of "Last Christmas" by Wham.

Last fanfic, I gave you concrit,
But the very next day, you waved it away.
This time, I guess you won’t mind
If I just leave flames instead.

Once written, we must try
To get good feedback, but you just roll your eye.
Tell me, Suethor; do you need a beta?
No, I thought not, I guess I’ll read ya later.

Here’s a website; I linked it up and sent it
With a note saying “You need help!” I meant it.
Now I know what a fool I’ve been.
You don’t want to improve, you just crave the attention.

Last fanfic, I gave you concrit,
But the very next day, you waved it away.
This time, I guess you won’t mind
If I just leave flames instead.

In a chat room, users with weird names.
I see you’ve blocked me; why such childish games?
My glod, I thought you’d appreciate assistance,
But your grammar errors show up with great persistence.

Another tenth walker for the one-hundredth time,
A Harry/Snape slashfic? This is really a crime!
Oh well, if this is what you call plot,
I guess I’ll leave you to it!

Last fanfic, I gave you concrit,
But the very next day, you waved it away.
This time, I guess you won’t mind
If I just leave flames instead.

I love writing stuff like this. Especially now that I've listened to "The Twelve Days of Christmas," Shrek-style, and "The Muppet's Christmas Carol" excessively.
The first one is a bit sacrilegious, but it was fun to think out. It kinda loses its momentum in the second half, but I still like it. It's set to the tune (and some words) of "The First Noel". There's only two verses to it (instead of the original song's six) because I ran out of ideas and I only know the first two original verses. I might go back and write more in, though.

--

The First "Oh Hell"

The first "Oh hell", the agents did say
was to certain poor Consoles in rooms where they lay.
In rooms where they lay processing Sues
for assassins to kill; hey—that's old news.

Oh hell, oh hell,
Oh hell, oh hell.
Born is a Sue and canon's unwell.

The fic was bad—the worst they'd seen.
Duty was calling to kill the teen.
Agents looked and saw her near,
so they charged and murdered without fear.

Oh hell, oh hell,
Oh hell, oh hell.
Dead is a Sue and canon is well.

--

I wrote the second one and found that it was frighteningly easy. Song and tune filked is "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer". It was originally going to be "Mary the Talking Unicorn", but I changed it when I found a better one. Most of the words are from the original song. The canon names are from these fandoms, in the same order: Harry Potter, Provost's Dog, Chronicles of Narnia, Lord of the Rings, Discworld, A Series of Unfortunate Events, Star Wars, and Pirates of the Caribbean. Also, I'm not calling these characters Sueish. I'm just naming them because they work the best and are relatively well known. This song is a dedication to all those PPC-ers who dislike certain canon Sues and would kill them if they could. (Note: Canon in the song is being used in place of saying "permanent character from a series".)

--

"Mary the Sueish Canon"

You know Harry and Beka
and Aslan and Frodo.
Rincewind and Olaf
and Leia and Sparrow.

But do you recall... The most famous canon of all?

Mary the Sueish Canon
had some very wilver eyes.
And if you ever saw her,
you would say they attract guys.

All of the other canons
used to laugh and call her names.
They never let poor Mary
join in any canon games.

Then one foggy winter eve
Mary saved the day.
"Mary with your wilver eyes,
you caught bad guys by surprise!"

Then all the canons loved her
as they shouted out with glee,
Mary the Sueish canon,
watch out for the PPC!

Sounds like fun, I'll try my hand at one of these, though I'm not sure how good it is:

"Mary Sues Roasting on an Open Fire" (set to "Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire")

Mary Sues roasting on an open fire,
Minis nipping at their bones,
Bad fanfiction written by hormonal tweens
Making fan characters dressed like hos.

Ev'rybody knows poor spelling and obnoxious OCs
Can make a fanfic really bad,
The Mary Sues with eyes of gold
Find it hard to keep off their "twu luvs".

They don't know the PPC's on their way,
They've loaded all their weapons used to slay,
And ev'ry agent does aspire,
To see those Mary Sues fry.

And so I offer this simple phrase
To all you Mary Sues,
Although it's been said in may times, many ways,
"Get dead, you Sue".

...Yeah, it's not that good. You can use it if you want.

Here's mine: "The Agents Never Sleep" to the tune of "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen". (Disclaimer: I can never remember where to put the comma in that title.) I'll record it, too, if I can get my mic to work. :D


God rest ye, weary Agents
The holiday is here
And yet you dread the beeping of
The console that lies near
For though this is a holiday
Your duties are still clear

So the Agents never sleep
Never sleep
So the Agents never sleep

Get off your lazy buttocks,
The Sunflower commands
There’s Sues on the horizon now;
I’ll play the call to arms.
In sending troops to battle
The Flower has no qualms

So the Agents never sleep
Never sleep
So the Agents never sleep

And so the Agents march
Their footsteps crunching in the snow;
They hunt a Mary-Sue to ground
And end her sordid show
Her author thought that she was safe
But now the world will know

That the Agents never sleep
Never sleep
That the Agents never sleep

"Durin's Bane, in Moria"
to the tune of "Gabriel's Message"

The Maia, Melkor's spawn, from the pit came,
His form as shadow black, his eyes as flame;
His whip of fire and sword of steel he carries,
The Balrog, Durin's Bane, in Moria!

A Mary-Sue the Fellowship did join,
And Frodo's spotlight swiftly did purloin;
Two agents killed her dead before she e'er did see
The Balrog, Durin's Bane, in Moria!

The agents on their mission scratched their heads,
"What can we do with Mary-Sue now that she's dead?"
"I know the thing for her," the senior agent crowed:
"The Balrog, Durin's Bane, in Moria!"

Now when the Mary-Sues in Arda be,
They're all assassinated by the PPC;
But where do all the sparkly, urple bodies go?
The Balrog, Durin's Bane, in Moria!

~*~

Not that I endorse feeding all Middle-earth Sues to the Balrog. It just worked for the song. ^_^; Speaking of which, I'm guessing most people aren't familiar with "Gabriel's Message"--it's not played on the radio or anything--so here are the original lyrics for comparison. I've heard it put to two different tunes, as performed by the Choir of Trinity Church and by Elisabeth Von Trapp (yes, those Von Trapps). The former is more hymn-like, the latter more upbeat and folky. I had the latter in mind for this. {= )

~Neshomeh

Perhaps I could record some of the existing songs? I'm not sure if I can get my microphone working, but I could try.