They are genetically predisposed to be Prettier Than You. (nm)

Subject: They are genetically predisposed to be Prettier Than You. (nm)
Author: Lily Winterwood
Posted on: 2013-04-20 07:35:00 UTC

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(Mildly NSFW) Legolas has more problems than just writers... by HimochiIsAwesome on 2013-04-19 19:50:00 UTC Reply

There's also the fan art.

~~No I don't find him attractive like this what are you sayi- oh who am I kidding~~

Um. by DawnFire on 2013-04-22 12:23:00 UTC Reply

First of all, in the words of Tumblr users everywhere, bless this post. In fact, bless this thread. The reactions are amazing.

Second...um. He's sparkling. Why is he sparkling?? Has he become a sparklepire? Nooo, Legolas, come back!

...I just had a split-second mental image of all the Cullens dressed more or less like that. And...now they're sparkling.

...I've been reading Twilight-mocking blogs lately, ok?

Ok. Hilarious post and reactions, and I'm going to try erasing the Sparklepire!Legolas images from my mind now. They did it to Jack from Titanic; no one is safe!

(...wait, does that mean...*has horrible image of various PPC agents being turned into sparklepires on a mission* ...my agents must hate my brain (or possibly the other way round?) because that actually has possibilities. Interesting ones. Medical could reverse it, though, right? I mean, if they can reverse genderbending...)

...thoughts?

~DF

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Re: Um. by Silken Dawn on 2013-04-22 16:43:00 UTC Reply

Which Twilight-mocking blogs? I do so enjoy a good Twilight-snarking.

Also... with the Sparklepire!Agents... the possibilities are endless!

Ooh, I have two. by DawnFire on 2013-04-22 18:01:00 UTC Reply

Actually I have three: I rediscovered the third recently.

The first is this: http://dazzlemethis.wordpress.com/ It's wonderful (absolutely wonderful!) and done by a girl named Kate. Who is wonderful. Can you tell I like this blog? She picks apart all four Twilight books (she's currently on Breaking Dawn) and awards points for stupidity, red flags, and more, and points out all of the terrible things in Twilight. Including bad science, abusive relationships, gender roles, and unrealistic characterization. Just...amazing, and completely redefined my view of Twilight. And I'm still on New Moon.

The second is this guy: http://markreads.net/reviews/2010/11/complete-mark-reads-twilight-archive/ I believe Twilight was the first set of reviews he did, although now he's reviewed a ridiculously large number of books, movies, and TV shows (and, apparently, video games). He often likes what he's reviewing; but he definitely didn't like this one. (He tried My Immortal at one point, too. His reviews of that were hilarious, even though he gave up after...chapter 21, I think. Brave man.) He also did all four books, and finished them quite a while ago (ok, a year or two, something like that. Still.) Pretty good fun.

The third is this one: http://cleoland.pbworks.com/w/page/10373763/Twilight#Bookdiscussionentries I don't actually remember much (I rediscovered her in my bookmarks recently) but what I've reread is hysterical. She's definitely worth checking out. I think she may have also coined the term 'fursplosion'? Anyway, there you go. Enjoy!

They are indeed! I...am tempted to inflict this on Agent Edgar, but...he might not...be...happy. Uh. Brenda and Charlie would have no fun at all. Maybe Dawn? Or Agen_t? Or someone else altogether?

...Sparklepire!Time Lady!Agent? Sparklepire!Klingon!Agent?

...you know what, I think I'll just see if I ever have the opportunity to make this happen, and then take it from there. The mental images will be less horrifying.

(Although I'm kind of thinking Edgar and Agen_t, because Brenda and Charlie would kill each other. Dawn's another possibility, because then she could freak out everyone at SBEI...actually, that could be really fun...maybe it's the three of them! I like this idea! And Dawn thinks she can maybe hide it, but then she starts sparkling...)

Thanks for being my sounding board, Silky :) Enjoy the Twilight-snarking!

~DF

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Re: Um. by HimochiIsAwesome on 2013-04-22 14:07:00 UTC Reply

Here, take this Bleepka and drink the whole bottle. You need it. Just pretend they're animu bishie sparkles. Legolas is probably safer like that.

I'd assume Medical could reverse it. I mean, there's most likely Twilight badfics where canon non-sparklepires get turned for plot reasons. I guess. I'm not exactly planning on checking any time soon.

Th-thanks. by DawnFire on 2013-04-22 18:06:00 UTC Reply

*drinks shakily* I'll...try...Oh, look, the horrific images are fading! Lovely :)

Ooohhh...there are. Believe me, there are. There's one over at Library of the Damned right now, called Twitanic, where Jack (Dawson, right?) gets turned by Carlisle. Great for snarking purposes, horrible in every other, especially as Edward is there at a time when he should be twelve years old, and Rose has been made useless. But...they exist. Or one does, anyway.

...I hate to say it, but I should probably check how they get turned. It's just a bite, right? And then if you don't get the venom out in time, it spreads and turns the victim into a vampire, complete with horrible pain? That's what I remember from the snarking...

~DF

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Hm, Twipires have a toxin, right? by Neshomeh on 2013-04-22 17:33:00 UTC Reply

Or venom, or something like that, and that's what causes one to turn? If I'm not mistaken, then logically, there could be an antivenin to cure Twipirism as long as it were administered soon enough, the earlier the better. Probably once the "newborn" stage is past, the change is permanent.

Of course, normal antivenins are produced by injecting animals with diluted venom and then extracting the antibodies they make from their blood, so I can only imagine getting Twipire antivenin wouldn't be an easy process. Agent Caleb or someone would have to provide the venom in the first place, and then you'd need lab subjects. There are some horses who live in the courtyard, I guess they might work. You'd probably have to take it up with Alice the meara, though.

~Neshomeh, applying logic to the illogical since 2003.

P.S. That picture is glorious and so is this thread.

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...too logical. by DawnFire on 2013-04-22 18:14:00 UTC Reply

I want to have my agents frolic around sparkling in meadows before being turned back!

...actually, no, that works. Sort of. They could get stuck as sparklepires until Medical can synthesize the antivenom (antivenin?)...of course, Caleb might not be too willing to provide venom...who knows? Then again, the afflicted agents could probably provide it.

Wait, hold on. I'm assuming a change to make the antivenin work after the...wait...AH, newborn stage! Bloodthirsty agents! I...don't think I've thought this through. How quickly does the newborn stage pass, again? Also, in terms of it being permanent once they're back the newborn stage, that's certainly how it works on Supernatural (well, ok, it can be reversed until the new vampire drinks human blood. Same idea).

I think I need to think this through and come back to it. Not to mention find a fic where this could actually happen.

~DF

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Darn it, Dawn! by Karen on 2013-04-23 05:02:00 UTC Reply

I had the thought of making an agent turn into a sparklepire during a mission a while ago and now you're thinking of having some of your agents turn? *shakes head* What is this.

Hi, Karen. I'm your brain twin. Nice to meet you. by DawnFire on 2013-04-23 09:20:00 UTC Reply

XD

Hm. Well, technically we could both do it. Actually, we could co-write a mission where all our agents (or some, whatever) turn into sparklepires. And then they can go terrorize SBEI :)

(I mean, think about it. They're examples of published bad writing.)

(...and, of course, there's all the jokes...and the sparkling...and, well, everything, really.)

(I seriously just want D. to come in as a sparklepire, and no one really realizes until they open a window or go outside, and then suddenly she's sparkling and B. gets kind of freaked out. And then T. gets started...and no one tell M. there are technically undead people in the school! That won't end well. Although, technically, shovels wouldn't be that effective against sparklepires...at least, not unless they were set on fire afterwards...)

Just some thoughts :)

~DF

(Oh, and if E. is also afflicted and comes to visit...then some students could start screaming about Team Edward, even though his hair's the wrong color. And then someone goes, 'Wait...Edward's working for the PPC? Like, why would he do that?' and then there's chaos. Er, more chaos.)

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Hello Brain Twin. by Karen on 2013-04-25 04:26:00 UTC Reply

That is seriously weird though. Just saying.

I do like the idea of co-writing a mission. It'll have to wait until I get Permission (which I'm delaying quite a bit, partially because I want to be absolutely sure I'm ready and have time to actually make missions, partially because I'm scared)

That said, if this mission becomes a thing, I think one of my planned Agents (let's just call her K., I think you can guess why) would get along with Dawn quite well. And K.'s partner (assuming I get Permission for them) L. would greatly dislike Dawn in a manner similar to how he will/already does dislike K.

I would just like to add - assuming D. returns to SBEI right after the mission - she'd be a newborn. Newborn sparklepires tend to go for the jugular at the sight/smell/awareness of a human.

Oh, you KNOW M. wouldn't care the shovel didn't do any damage. She'd whack and keep whacking until the dangerous thing was gone. And if anyone mentioned fire would be more effective, she'd go for a Molotov first chance she got.

(Ehehe E. afflicted and visiting. Do it. Doooooo iiiiiit. We're doing this, Brain Twin.)

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I haven't actually read Twilight. by Neshomeh on 2013-04-22 22:09:00 UTC Reply

However, there is a handy Twilight Saga Wiki you can use when you're ready to do research. That's how Phobos and I got through "Cosmic Love," a Twilight x Harry Potter femmeslash crossover we sporked.

~Neshomeh

Ooh, thanks! by DawnFire on 2013-04-23 08:35:00 UTC Reply

Looks handy :)

I actually read the first three books while I was a fan (for a very short time, I assure you, and I was...about 13 or 14 years old, I believe), and then I went on vacation for a month, realized they were terrible, and eventually read most of the fourth book just to find out how the story ended. I then skimmed the last bit that I just couldn't force myself to read once I'd put the book down because two of my friends begged me to write them a Twilight fanfic and I needed information on Renesmee. Wish I'd known about the wiki then...

~DawnFire

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*nosebleed* (nm) by KittTheCat on 2013-04-20 21:22:00 UTC Reply
*George Takei voice* Oh myyyyy. by PitViperOfDoom on 2013-04-20 17:18:00 UTC Reply

The bishie sparkles are a nice touch. Where did you even find this? I think I need it on my dash.

My sister sent it to me. She knows me too well. (nm) by HimochiIsAwesome on 2013-04-20 17:58:00 UTC Reply

Sex-ayyyy... by Khaosity on 2013-04-20 16:11:00 UTC Reply

Strut your stuff, Legolas! :-)
Okay, who put the prince in belted stockings? by SpecstacularSC on 2013-04-20 07:29:00 UTC Reply

And why am I laughing so hard?
*Chuckles quietly* by Sevenswans on 2013-04-20 03:53:00 UTC Reply

I'm strangely immune to the fact that Tumblr is a sentient being with the soul of a trickster god.

Tumblr = Loki? by SpecstacularSC on 2013-04-20 07:32:00 UTC Reply

Then by that logic, PPC must surely equal some kind of clumsy, fool-brained and entirely psychotic Heimdall, right?

That makes too much sense (nm) by Sevenswans on 2013-04-20 14:46:00 UTC Reply

Only Legolas can pull that off. (nm) by hermione of vulcan on 2013-04-20 03:34:00 UTC Reply
AAAAAAIIIEE! by dramaticsoprano on 2013-04-20 03:03:00 UTC Reply

I have a frightening urge to dump my head in a bucket of bleach now.

(passes a bucket of Bleeptea) by Outhra on 2013-04-20 14:06:00 UTC Reply

Will this work?

Sexy. by World-Jumper on 2013-04-20 02:37:00 UTC Reply

I guess. You know, if you're into that sort of thing.

Great, now I have a mental image of Legolas dressed like this, singing I'm sexy and I know it. The image is both funny and scaring.
Werk it, Legolas. by Lily Winterwood on 2013-04-19 23:40:00 UTC Reply

They don't call him Leg-o-lass for nothing, darlings!

*humorously misunderstanding* by Cassie on 2013-04-20 11:18:00 UTC Reply

"Legolas" is actually the Sindarin form of "Laicalasse", which is Quenya for "greenleaf". It has nothing to do with legs, lego, or lass. Elves are naturally physically very attractive, they don't need garters and sexy underwear.

*takes off silly Tolkien-enthusiast hat*

I just giggled at that pic. :P

Oh I know. by Lily Winterwood on 2013-04-20 16:04:00 UTC Reply

The puns just write (or draw, in this case) themselves, however.

I figured Tolkien elves had sexy legs... by SpecstacularSC on 2013-04-20 07:34:00 UTC Reply

It's gotta be a racial trait.

It just has to.

Blame Thranduil.

They are genetically predisposed to be Prettier Than You. (nm) by Lily Winterwood on 2013-04-20 07:35:00 UTC Reply

Wait... by Outhra on 2013-04-20 14:14:00 UTC Reply

So it is genetically impossible to have an ugly Tolkien Elf? Well, I guess we know now which of his spawn races Ilúvatar liked best.

Depends on the Elves' own standards, I guess? by Khaosity on 2013-04-20 23:18:00 UTC Reply

Wait a moment - wasn't Salgant supposed to be pudgy or something? Though that doesn't mean he couldn't have had a handsome face...
And from what I recall, Feanor didn't fall in love with Nerdanel for her looks, either. They still managed to make pretty kids together, though :-)
Yes, I just called the Sons of Feanor pretty. So sue me ^.^

And this picture is to blame. by Khaosity on 2013-04-20 23:37:00 UTC Reply

...issopretty...

Yep - the Secondborn. by Huinesoron on 2013-04-20 22:10:00 UTC Reply

"Ah, wise lady!" said Finrod. "I am an Elda, and again I was thinking of my own people. But nay, of all the Children of Eru. I was thinking that by the Second Children we might have been delivered from death. For ever as we spoke of death being a division of the united [soul and body], I thought in my heart of a death that is not so: but the ending together of both. For that is what lies before us, so far as our reason could see: the completion of Arda and its end, and therefore also of us [Eldar] children of Arda; the end when all the long lives of the Elves shall be wholly in the past.

"And then suddenly I beheld as as vision Arda Remade; and there the Eldar completed but not ended could abide in the present for ever, and there walk, maybe, with the Children of Men, their deliverers..."

~Finrod Felagund, Athrabeth Finrod ah Andreth (HoME X: Morgoth's Ring)

hS

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It's like Eru was a fanfic writer. by Lily Winterwood on 2013-04-22 01:21:00 UTC Reply

First He makes the Elves, who are, if you really think about it, like Mary Sues in the way that they're his first creations and therefore bound to be a bit too over the top in perfection.

Then He makes the Men, and gives them what can be taken as flaws like mortality and such, making them more... well, for lack of a better word, human.

(That's not to say that Elves are Sues, or my own Agents might have my head. I'm just putting out an analogy, you know?)

Now I'm imagining an Eru IlÃºvatar-penned Suefic. by Outhra on 2013-04-22 01:45:00 UTC Reply

It would be reported by someone strolling around the Pit, Agents would be sent in, and the Elves would be given the Hugo Dyson treatment. (I'd have posted one of his better-known quotes on the subject, but he "drops the f-bomb", and I don't think the no-swearing-on-the-Board part of the Constitution cares whether or not those are in a direct quote to make that a big do-not-do. You probably know the one I'm talking about, though.)

Eru would spam the Board after his internet acquaintance Melkor told him that the PPC had sporked his fic, saying "No i can write beter now, I dont do the sues so much any more." and we'd laugh at him, unaware that he was actually a massively powerful divine entity. He'd then write a sequel in which strawman copies of Jay and Acacia are messily beheaded, and post it to the Board six times in a fit of fanbrat rage.

I am getting way too much enjoyment out of this concept.

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Re the concept of this Suefic by DawnFire on 2013-04-22 21:21:00 UTC Reply

(And not even touching on the content, I'm not going there...)

Have you ever read the Ensign Sue comics? And seen the ending of the first one?

If not, go look it up. Then come back.

...

So, yeah. That ending. Don't suppose this topic was inspired by that, was it?

~DF

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Oh, no, I wasn't even thinking about that. by Outhra on 2013-04-22 23:00:00 UTC Reply

I have read those comics, though. I ought to go back and see if there are updates; it's been months since I checked.

Hm. by DawnFire on 2013-04-23 08:39:00 UTC Reply

Well, it was the first thing that came to mind, once I got past the weirdness of the subject.

You should; they've started the sequel comic, The Wrath of Sue (I think that's the title...) What I've seen of it so far (I need to check for updates too) has been amazing.

~DF
They actually happen to be on the sequel. by Lily Winterwood on 2013-04-23 01:24:00 UTC Reply

Which involves the Doctor and so many other crossovers lining up. Mostly because the Sue steals the TARDIS.

I was on that one when I stopped rechecking it. by Outhra on 2013-04-23 01:41:00 UTC Reply

In fact, I read some of that before my Netflix started working again to let me watch more of the Tenth Doctor's run of Doctor Who, which meant that I got a few extra laughs every time Ten lost his TARDIS(which happened to him a lot, I noticed).

Well, we do have the Gift of Iluvatar. (nm) by darklordaakmal on 2013-04-20 14:58:00 UTC Reply

oh hi tumblr by a-rubra on 2013-04-19 23:31:00 UTC Reply

... my tumblr dashboard in a nutshell. pantyhose must be in vogue these days.
I laughed a little. by MAXinsanity on 2013-04-19 20:28:00 UTC Reply

I don't know if that's a good thing, or a really, really bad thing...
What the what? by Outhra on 2013-04-19 20:25:00 UTC Reply

Excuse me, I need to go stare into a bright light until that image is burned out of my retinas.
What. by Desdendelle on 2013-04-19 20:22:00 UTC Reply

Eh. Heh. Uh...
-Eyebrow tics-
Wat. Legolas in a pantihose? Am I seeing this right? Oh my.
-Does a Monty Python impression- We found a witch, can we burn her?