yes, nice by
IndeMaat
on 2009-06-10 16:10:00 UTC
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In addition to that (and Neshomeh's comments), I'd like address a paragraphing issue. This:
"Richi! You've got to help me, she's a madwoman!" Richi looked from the rather beaten-up Dakku, to Maxie, and back again, then barely stifled a giggle.
"I have no doubt that whatever it was your new partner just did to you, it was deserved," Dakku stared incredulously at Richi for a moment or two, then gave his head a rueful shake.
"What's the PPC come to, when you can't even rely on your ex-partner to back you up?"
is kind of confusing. The first paragraph looks like it's Richi talking to Richi. Would look better like this:
"Richi! You've got to help me, she's a madwoman!"
Richi looked from the rather beaten-up Dakku, to Maxie, and back again, then barely stifled a giggle. "I have no doubt that whatever it was your new partner just did to you, it was deserved."
Dakku stared incredulously at Richi for a moment or two, then gave his head a rueful shake. "What's the PPC come to, when you can't even rely on your ex-partner to back you up?"
If you have people acting and talking in the same paragraph, make sure it's the same person doing both the talking and the acting.
Pointers. by
Neshomeh
on 2009-06-08 23:36:00 UTC
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One, there's no need to go over the same scene in its entirety twice. If you really want to include the other person's POV, you can still skip the dialogue.
Two, if you still want a beta, there are some punctuation issues I'd be happy to fix. I don't know anything about the continuum in question, but the commas need work, especially at the ends of lines of dialogue. My e-mail is exswyzie14 (AT) yahoo (DOT) com, with appropriate substitutions. A Word document works as long as it isn't .docx.
In all other regards, it looks to be a successful first mission. Good work.
~Neshomeh