Subject: yes, nice
Author:
Posted on: 2009-06-10 16:10:00 UTC
In addition to that (and Neshomeh's comments), I'd like address a paragraphing issue. This:
"Richi! You've got to help me, she's a madwoman!" Richi looked from the rather beaten-up Dakku, to Maxie, and back again, then barely stifled a giggle.
"I have no doubt that whatever it was your new partner just did to you, it was deserved," Dakku stared incredulously at Richi for a moment or two, then gave his head a rueful shake.
"What's the PPC come to, when you can't even rely on your ex-partner to back you up?"
is kind of confusing. The first paragraph looks like it's Richi talking to Richi. Would look better like this:
"Richi! You've got to help me, she's a madwoman!"
Richi looked from the rather beaten-up Dakku, to Maxie, and back again, then barely stifled a giggle. "I have no doubt that whatever it was your new partner just did to you, it was deserved."
Dakku stared incredulously at Richi for a moment or two, then gave his head a rueful shake. "What's the PPC come to, when you can't even rely on your ex-partner to back you up?"
If you have people acting and talking in the same paragraph, make sure it's the same person doing both the talking and the acting.