Welcome, have some little green pills.

MWAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Have a large pillow that looks like this:
Careful, though. It may make you have recurring dreams of Cute Overload.

Will your Agents be based in a TARDIS or response center?

Have a cookie, and thank for sacrificing your sanity for the sake of the continuum.

I welcome thee to the PPC. Please deposit your sanity in the provided receptacle. *holds out bucket marked "Warg Fodder"* We don't have much use for things like that here. I also gift thee with gifts of two big black buttons and some chai tea.
DON'T READ "C*L*BR**N"! Gabriel is a scheming minx (or whatever the masculine equivalent is.)
Here, read legolas by laura instead! Ahahahahahaha! http://www.freewebs.com/bonsaimallorn4/Legolas.htm
-Mad Maudlin

Welcome, new blood! You shall be thrown to the dogs in short order, once the paperwork has been filled out.

So, probably never. To remind you of this impending never-doom, I present you with a PPC pen. Solid stainless-steel, fast-drying black ink, pretty much never runs out of ink thanks to the miracles of plothole-portal technology. Perfect for carrying around and writing up chargelists.

It's so nice to meet another Helen, there are so few of us!

Intro pages are handy.

http://ppc.wikia.com/wiki/PPC_Wiki

I gift you with...an egg whisk! It's shiny, gold-plated, and whisks not only eggs, but author wraiths and spambots! Use it for good and not evil.

Welcome to the insanity!

Welcome to the board. Here, have a mutated strawberry; they keep appearing in my house. It looks a bit strange, and I can't guarantee it won't grow legs and wander off, but I promise it tastes fine. (At least, I think it does.)

Welcome to the PPC! What fandoms are you into?

Here, have a gallon of bleepka. (You'll probably want it.)

I must not give newbies a link to C***b***n ... I must not give newbies a link to C***b***n ...

I'm rather new here too, and it seems like a lot of new users have joined the PPC lately. I don't know if it's always like that though.

Here, have a barrel of napalm, it's always fun. Just don't use it inside the Headquarters. Oh, and accept this coffeemaker, too: you'll no longer need to waste your precious time sleeping.

Know what I like? Napalm coffee.