Here, have some fire on a stick!

Don't worry, I think I have Nuzgul attacking me right now. *twitch* Did I just see one? Where? WHERE?

I gift you with a homemade anti squirrel suit made form sue fur and a combat spork. hopefully they will help you.

*gives over a plate of the aforementioned 'special' baked product'

Enjoy!

A cooling fan of your choice, because although everyone else is complaining of the cold, where I live it's very hot.

... On second thought, I want it back! *grabs*

Hm, well, instead you can have a kitten. *hands over kitten*

That said, welcome! I can see from your post that you don't need to be asked to leave your sanity behind, so all's well. :)

Aieeee!
Welcome to the PPC Board. Please, deposit your sanity in the provided receptacle. *holds out bucket marked "Warg fodder"* We tend not to need it here. Have huggles, and know that you will be protected from the fuzzy horror here! Hah!
-Mad Maudlin

And to help you fight the squirrels (they're EVIL), have a red-tailed hawk. Has a phobia of smaller birds, though.

Will your Agents be based in a Response Center or a TARDIS?

I giveth you an egg whisk! It's shiny, gold-plated, and whisks eggs, spambots, and author wraiths! Use it for good, not evil, blah blah blah.

Enjoy your stay and watch out for the homicidal cucumbers. Garden vegetables aren't all that trustworthy.

Not broken it yet. Keep trying! Send those woodland creatures out a-missionin'. When they find the flyagarics, you can send 'em my way, and then get on with your hellos to everyone else.

Pads
Frustrated as all hell