Subject: I'm delighted to see my transdimensional pocket-knives
Author:
Posted on: 2008-12-09 07:55:00 UTC
I'm delighted to see my transdimensional pocket-knives in there... but you forgot them in the final chant (10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 1). But that's okay. Cheers!
The season for PPC Christmas filk, that is. Think up a PPC version of your favorite holiday tune and submit it here for posterity and the PPC Christmas Songbook.
Feel free to use songs that have been done already if you have a different take on them. Also, don't feel limited to Christmas if you personally observe Hanukkah or the Solstice or any other holiday.
I think I'm going to try "Badfic Roasting on an Open Flame," myself.
BONUS: If I have time after exams and after I get my act together for my movie parts, I'll make recordings of all the songs I know how to sing, hopefully in time for Christmas.
Have fun!
~Neshomeh
PPC, Oh PPC
to the tune of Hanukkah, Oh Hanukkah
PPC, Oh PPC, let's kill the Mary Sue
We can have a party, as we kill the Stu too
Gather around now Agents, we have stories to slay
Legolas is pregnant, and Arwen's gone away.
And while we are killing
In each death we shall take delight
For each Sue we shall spite
We shall set things to rights
And fight for the canon that we love*
For each Sue we shall spite
We shall set things to rights
And fight for the canon that we love*.
Yey! It's done. I'm not entirely happy with the starred line but it'll do.
~Zoe~
I love that song. Soon as I'm sane again after work tomorrow I'll try to do one.
I await your efforts eagerly!
Possibly with the singers getting drunk and swapping the gender parts halfway through.
To the tune of "Jingle Bells" by John C. Pierpont
Jango belle
Jango belle
Please to go away
Or we'll portal to thy fic
And with Vong tools thee slay
Jango belle
Jango belle
Please to go away
Or we'll portal to thy fic
And with Vong tools thee slay
Jango never wed
Common knowledge that
Sure he fell in love
But soon that was that
Boba was a clone
As Rosebud was a sled
If thou art his mother, then
Thou wilt soon be dead
Oh,
Jango belle
Jango belle
Please to go away
Or we'll portal to thy fic
And with Vong tools thee slay
Jango belle
Jango belle
Please to go away
Or we'll portal to thy fic
And with Vong tools thee slay
Boba has no ma
Should not that be clear?
But you have arrangéd
To disappear
All the canon facts
That get in the way
So beep goes our console and
We portal in today
Oh,
Jango belle
Jango belle
Please to go away
Or we'll portal to thy fic
And with Vong tools thee slay
Jango belle
Jango belle
Please to go away
Or we'll portal to thy fic
And with Vong tools thee slay
This was inspired partly by my boyfriend, who donated the first line, and partly by article 1.6.11 in the FAQ For Other People.
To the tune of "Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire."
Badfic roasting on an open flame,
Flamers cackling in the night;
Fanbrats squeal, "OMG, ur so lame!"
And we say, "Yeah, they're kinda right."
Everybody knows that concrit and an open mind
Help to make a fanfic right;
Being mean, being truly unkind
Will only tend to start a fight.
We know that badfic's there today
We know that lots of Mary-Sues are on their way
And every canon's fan is gonna cry
And yet we smile--oh yes; I'll tell you why:
Because the agents of the PPC,
Action, and Infrastructure, too,
Although it is strange, they greet badfic with glee
And make goodfic out of badfic--yes, make goodfic for you.
~Neshomeh
Gosh, I'm relly getting filky. Maybe it's because I have so much Christmas songbooks and the radio stations I listen to constantly play Christmas songs.
But without further ado, here's the filks.
"Joy to the World (The 'Sue is Dead)"
(Sung to the tune of "Joy to the World")
Joy to the world, the 'Sue is dead,
And Canon is restored!
Let songs of joy
Ring through HQ,
For death hath come to 'Sue
For death hath come to 'Sue
For death, for death hath come to 'Sue.
Joy to the 'Verse! The Canon reigns;
May badfic be destroyed!
A glass of Bleepka
we raise in toast,
to goodfic's health and joy,
to goodfic's health and joy,
to goodfic, oh goodfic's health and joy.
Let no more 'Sues and badslash live,
Nor wangst infest the ground!
We'll never rest
For Duty calls
As long as badfic's found,
As long as badfic's found,
As long, as long as badfic's found!
Canon shall rule with truth and grace,
And 'Sues fall at Its feet!
Her doom is near; she stands with fear
For revenge shall be so sweet,
Yes, revenge shall be so sweet,
Yes, revenge, revenge shall be so sweet!
"Away in an RC"
(Sung to the tune of "Away in a Manger")
Away in an RC, a chair for a bed
Two PPC Agents laid down weary heads
The console then "BEEP"-ed and boy, did they yell
Two PPC Agents who're tired as hell
A mission is calling, so now they must wake
But PPC Agents want Bleeprin and breaks
Ironic O'erpower looks down from the sky
And cackles with malice while missions are nigh
Protect all the goodfic and slay all the bad
Though this job is thankless and people go mad
The Canon is thankful for your tender care
So slay all the 'Sues lurking deep in Its lairs
Hope you like.
I have three more filks. There was originally going to be four, but "O, PPC" didn't feel right. *shrugs*
They're all in Tolkien-verse, but if you want to change it to suit another fandom, be my guest.
“PPC Agents Are Coming”
(sung to the tune of "Nuttin' For Christmas")
I joined the Fellaship of the Ring
Somebody reported me
Claimed that Lord Elrond’s my da-ddy
Somebody reported me
I violated Legolas
Filled up Boromir with lust
Frodo’s love just was a must
Somebody reported me
Oh, PPC Agents are coming
Coming to take me away
I know they will show no mercy
I fear they’re coming today
I killed a cave troll by myself
Somebody reported me
Had hair that’s better than an Elf’s
Somebody reported me
My eyes are green yet purple, too
Sometimes they are aqua blue
I made Arwen say, “Boo hoo”
Somebody reported me
Oh, PPC Agents are coming
Coming to take me away
I know they will show no mercy
I fear they’re coming today
I screwed the Canon up, that’s true
Somebody reported me
And to that mis-take I now rue
Somebody reported me
Next time I’ll be going straight
I won’t be a ‘Sue, just wait
I’d start now, but it’s too late—
Somebody reported me
Oh, PPC Agents are coming
Coming to take me away
I know they will show no mercy
I fear they’re coming today
“Mary Sue’s in Arda Right Now”
(sung to the tune of "Santa Claus is Coming to Town")
You better make sure a weapon’s on hand
Sharpen your sword; be on guard through the land
Mary Sue’s in Arda right now
She’s making a list and checking it twice
Gonna find out who’s “hawt” and who’s “nyce”
Mary Sue’s in Arda right now
She has a Ring of Power
And a doubtful prophecy
She only wants to jump your bones—
Be on guard, for Eru’s sake!
You better make sure a weapon’s on hand
Sharpen your sword; be on guard through the land
Mary Sue’s in Arda right now
“Here Comes Mary Sue (Right Down Rivendell Lane)”
(sung to the tune of "Here Comes Santa Claus (Right Down Santa Claus Lane)")
Here comes Mary Sue
Here comes Mary Sue
Right down Rivendell Lane
Jay and Acacia and all the Agents
Are twitching now with pain
Bells are ringing
Hobbits singing
All is urple-y bright
Take your Bleeprin and kill her now
‘Cause Mary Sue is a blight
Here comes Mary Sue
Here comes Mary Sue
Right down Rivendell Lane
She’s raping Canon and putting out
For Legolas again
See her skipping through the flowers
What a terrible sight
Play some cards, sharpen up your sword
‘Cause Mary Sue is a blight
Here comes Mary Sue
Here comes Mary Sue
Right down Rivendell Lane
If you’re “hawt” then age won’t matter—
She’ll love you just the same
She doesn’t know that only Canon
Can make everything right
Laugh out loud at her naïve-ette
‘Cause Mary Sue is a blight
Here comes Mary Sue
Here comes Mary Sue
Right down Rivendell Lane
She’ll come around when the Suethors call
And the badfic’s up again
Peace will come if the PPC
Will kill and set things alright
Let’s give thanks to Illúvatar
For Mary Sue’s death tonight
If only we could get a choir together and record these for posterity. It'd be fun.
It's still on the first page, so I at least am still watching. Feel free to jump in. {= )
~Neshomeh, who needs to work on her own contribution.
Sung to the tune of "You're A Mean One, Mr. Grinch", of course. I couldn't resist using it...
*clears throat and attempts to sing*
You're A Mean One, Mary Sue
You're a mean one, Mary Sue.
You really are a b*tch.
You made Legolas a teenager,
You’ve outdueled Aragorn,
Mary Sue.
You're so damn perfect that
You give me a twitch.
You're a monster, Mary Sue.
You’ve screwed the Canon up.
Your brain is nonexistent,
And you scream of Sparklipoo,
Mary Sue.
You can’t even touch Canon with a
thirty-nine-and-a-half foot pole.
You're a vile one, Mary Sue.
You employ much urple prose.
You have all the sappy sweetness
of a giant sugar pill,
Mary Sue.
Given the choice between the two of you
I'd take the giant sugar pill.
You're a foul one, Mary Sue.
You're a nasty, wasty slut.
You’ve messed up the numerology,
And you’ve bedded many males,
Mary Sue.
The three words that best describe your fic are as follows, and I quote:
"Stink. Stank. Stunk."
You're a harlot, Mary Sue.
You're the queen of badfic plots.
You’re a walking plothole factory,
using Deus-ex-machina,
Mary Sue.
Your fic is an apalling dump heap overflowing with the most disgraceful assortment of deplorable rubbish imaginable,
Mangled up in tangled up knots.
You nauseate me, Mary Sue.
With a nauseous super-naus.
I’ve now run out of my Bleeprin
Reading ‘bout your sparkly horse.
Mary Sue.
You're a physically over-perfect Canon mangler
With glittery blood.
Um...yeah. Hope you like it.
I'll have to try to convince one of my bass/baritone friends to do this one. ^_^
~Neshomeh
This ought to be singable. I hope so, cos I tried to make it so!
On my first day in Bad Slash, the Director sent to me
A Faun in a Peter Pevensie.
On my second day in Bad Slash, the Director sent to me
Two Elven rapefics
And a Faun in a Peter Pevensie.
On my third day in Bad Slash, the Director sent to me
Three dumb Sams
Two Elven rapefics
And a Faun in a Peter Pevensie
On my fourth day in Bad Slash, the Director sent to me
Four bitchy Dracos
Three dumb Sams
Two Elven rapefics
And a Faun in a Peter Pevensie
On my fifth day in Bad Slash, the Director sent to me
Fiiiiive inapprooooopriate riiiiings.
Four bitchy Dracos
Three dumb Sams
Two Elven rapefics
And a Faun in a Peter Pevensie
On my sixth day in Bad Slash, the Director sent to me
Six lubeless Ronons
Fiiiiive inapprooooopriate riiiiings.
Four bitchy Dracos
Three dumb Sams
Two Elven rapefics
And a Faun in a Peter Pevensie
On my seventh day in Bad Slash, the Director sent to me
Seven Lupins angsting
Six lubeless Ronons
Fiiiiive inapprooooopriate riiiiings.
Four bitchy Dracos
Three dumb Sams
Two Elven rapefics
And a Faun in a Peter Pevensie
On my eighth day in Bad Slash, the Director sent to me
Eight pregnant Rincewinds
Seven Lupins angsting
Six lubeless Ronons
Fiiiiive inapprooooopriate riiiiings.
Four bitchy Dracos
Three dumb Sams
Two Elven rapefics
And a Faun in a Peter Pevensie
On my ninth day in Bad Slash, the Director sent to me
Nine Bonds a-frotting
Eight pregnant Rincewinds
Seven Lupins angsting
Six lubeless Ronons
Fiiiiive inapprooooopriate riiiiings.
Four bitchy Dracos
Three dumb Sams
Two Elven rapefics
And a Faun in a Peter Pevensie
On my tenth day in Bad Slash, the Director sent to me
Ten Doctors shagging
Nine Bonds a-frotting
Eight pregnant Rincewinds
Seven Lupins angsting
Six lubeless Ronons
Fiiiiive inapprooooopriate riiiiings.
Four bitchy Dracos
Three dumb Sams
Two Elven rapefics
And a Faun in a Peter Pevensie
On my eleventh day in Bad Slash, the Director sent to me
Eleven beaten Angels
Ten Doctors shagging
Nine Bonds a-frotting
Eight pregnant Rincewinds
Seven Lupins angsting
Six lubeless Ronons
Fiiiiive inapprooooopriate riiiiings.
Four bitchy Dracos
Three dumb Sams
Two Elven rapefics
And a Faun in a Peter Pevensie
On my twelth day in Bad Slash, the Director sent to me
Twelve holiday fluff-fics
Eleven beaten Angels
Ten Doctors shagging
Nine Bonds a-frotting
Eight pregnant Rincewinds
Seven Lupins angsting
Six lubeless Ronons
Fiiiiive inapprooooopriate riiiiings.
Four bitchy Dracos
Three dumb Sams
Two Elven rapefics
And a Faun in a Peter Pevensie
... and then I snapped.
NUUUUUUUUUUU!
For Mature. {; P
Inappropriate rings... dare I ask what that means?
~Neshomeh
Just ... inappropriate. Place you wouldn't put jewellery. Y'know.
-Trojie, not wanting to break any MORE brains.
The first line was bad enough, but my brain really started melting around the Rincewinds and the Doctors. And I need it for finals, too! >:(
Everyone knows all you need for finals is two hours of sleep and a tank of caffeine.
~Neshomeh, who probably won't be sleeping at all tonight.
May I suggest you don't read the missions of RC#45, then?
I *did* say NSFW. Should I have added NSFB?
Just for Whovians, perhaps. Whovians who have seen some rather disturbing fan communities that bring a whole new creepy meaning to the phrase "selfcest." Some fanbrats take their love of David Tennant a little too far.
Also, I hate mpreg. And Rincewind doesn't deserve that kind of misfortune, though knowing his luck, it could actually happen. Run, Rincewind! Run from the scary fanbrats!
And anyways, it's because of evil fics like these that I joined this community. That, and to use my literary masochist tendencies for the power of good. As a slash fanwoman, I feel honorbound to exterminate those who give the rest of us a bad name.
... but I was trying to paint what you might call an accurate picture of Christmas in the Department of Bad Slash :P
Also, I haven't *seen* all ten Doctors in bed together, neither have I seen a Rincewind Mpreg. I'm sure they're out there, but by the love of Glod, I hope they don't come my way ...
Stay back, Narrative Laws of Comedy! Back, I say!
I know there's Doctor selfcest on the net--I've even seen a community for it somewhere (it makes me cry at night)--but by invoking Mpreg Rincewind, he will inevitably turn up somewhere. Right now he's probably screaming and running from rabid fanbrats.
Damn you, Rule 34. Damn you so very, very much.
Trojie, are you trying to tempt me to go looking for those?
If I can memorise it by tomorrow afternoon, I'm so singing that to Cìara when I meet her at the station. She's already threatening to break my fingers so I have to type with my nose as it is, thanks to the S/D travesty. Might as well go out with a bang.
She can't get at MY fingers! The crackfic train will ride on!
She debated for a while, and then decided it's probably not a great use of her cash, getting a plane ticket all the way to NZ just to break your fingers too. So I have promised a lovely Christmas card for her to treasure forever, featuring your song.
-grin- Originally O Come, All Ye Faithful. I rather like it, though there really aren't enough verbs ending in the -ore sound that have two syllables. -sigh-
Now I just need to figure out how to not sing this around people who know nothing of the PPC. I'll get some very strange looks.
O come, all ye Agents,
Gleeful and psychotic,
O come ye, O come ye to Rivendell.
Come and behold her, born the Queen of Arda;
O come, let us adore her,
O come, let us ignore her,
O come, let us deplore her,
Mary the Sue.
O charge, dear Assassins,
Charge in exultation,
Charge her that tramples on Tolkien’s holy word.
Give to the guilty no trial or quarter;
O come, let us adore her,
O come, let us ignore her,
O come, let us deplore her,
Mary the Sue.
Lo! see the Balrog,
Durin’s Bane approaches,
O Sue! stand and greet thy doom; do not dare to run.
Hail to the canon, now slowly restoring;
O come, let us adore her,
O come, let us ignore her,
O come, let us deplore her,
Mary the Sue.
Please to not be remarking on the punctuation. >.> Punctuating songs is not my favorite thing in the history of ever.
When Agents repose in Response Centers gray,
their console objects with a ‘BEEP!’
They must away, without delay,
to put a Sue to sleep.
Let ev’ry Assassin grab a blade,
and ev’ry Bad Slasher a bell;
a portal opens, into shade,
where vampire-Sue doth dwell...
O come let us abhor her,
O come let us abhor her,
O come let us abhor her,
the vampire-Sue.
Not just a vampire, a matchmaker too,
One Agent’s seeing red,
Two hot guys 'Sue spots and proceeds to go “Ooh!”
Thank Glod she soon will be dead.
The men pair off, there’s drama had,
the Slasher must exorcise fast—
Miss Sue’s still complaining her pairing was rad,
E’en though her life is now past...
O come let us deplore her,
O come let us deplore her,
O come let us deplore her,
the matchmaker-Sue.
Why yes, Gesu Bambino does use the same chorus as O Come All Ye Faithful. >.>
Also I've no idea what to call it. Sue Vampiro? o.O Online translators can only do so much...
There was almost a line about lack of lube in there, but it just wasn't working. Le sigh.
I can't really imagine a circumstance in which a PPC Agent would adore or ignore a 'Sue. "Abhor," maybe...
~Neshomeh, who will enjoy this one.
So swap 'ignore' in for 'adore,' and put 'abhor' in place of 'ignore' so it'll go ignore, abhor, deplore. ^_^
Glad you'll enjoy it.
I had an... odd thought.
What about a PPC Night Before Christmas?
Sorry...
L
But no promises
Agent Madison Stephanie O'Grady sings "Why it Got so Hot in The Disentangler's TARDIS Back in May".
On my first day interning, the Suethors messed up with
A Time Lord in the Fellowship
On my second day interning, the Suethors messed up with
Two Jedi Elves
And a Time Lord in the Fellowship
On my third day interning, the Suethors messed up with
Three Earth quiss
Two Jedi Elves
And a Time Lord in the Fellowship
On my fourth day interning, the Suethors messed up with
Four Narnian Birds
Three Earth quiss
Two Jedi Elves
And a Time Lord in the Fellowship
On my fifth day interning, the Suethors messed up with
Five Extra Rings
Four Narnian Birds
Three Earth quiss
Two Jedi Elves
And a Time Lord in the Fellowship
On my sixth day interning, the Suethors messed up with
Six Drall on Riven
Five Extra Rings
Four Narnian Birds
Three Earth quiss
Two Jedi Elves
And a Time Lord in the Fellowship
On my seventh day interning, the Suethors messed up with
Seven Dalek Sithlords
Six Drall on Riven
Five Extra Rings
Four Narnian Birds
Three Earth quiss
Two Jedi Elves
And a Time Lord in the Fellowship
On my eighth day interning, the Suethors messed up with
Eight Twi'leks on Earth
Seven Dalek Sithlords
Six Drall on Riven
Five Extra Rings
Four Narnian Birds
Three Earth quiss
Two Jedi Elves
And a Time Lord in the Fellowship
On my ninth day interning, the Suethors messed up with
Nine Starfleet Hobbits
Eight Twi'leks on Earth
Seven Dalek Sithlords
Six Drall on Riven
Five Extra Rings
Four Narnian Birds
Three Earth quiss
Two Jedi Elves
And a Time Lord in the Fellowship
On my tenth day interning, the Suethors messed up with
Ten kids of Sauron
Nine Starfleet Hobbits
Eight Twi'leks on Earth
Seven Dalek Sithlords
Six Drall on Riven
Five Extra Rings
Four Narnian Birds
Three Earth quiss
Two Jedi Elves
And a Time Lord in the Fellowship
On my eleventh day interning, the Suethors messed up with
Eleven fangirl Kirk!Sues
Ten kids of Sauron
Nine Starfleet Hobbits
Eight Twi'leks on Earth
Seven Dalek Sithlords
Six Drall on Riven
Five Extra Rings
Four Narnian Birds
Three Earth quiss
Two Jedi Elves
And a Time Lord in the Fellowship
On my twelfth day interning, the Suethors messed up with
Twelve Narnia 'cest fics
Eleven fangirl Kirk!Sues
Ten kids of Sauron
Nine Starfleet Hobbits
Eight Twi'leks on Earth
Seven Dalek Sithlords
Six Drall on Riven
Five Extra Rings
Four Narnian Birds
Three Earth quiss
Two Jedi Elves
And a Time Lord in the Fellowship
*cue pyrotechnics*
I don't know what quiss are, but that's okay. ^_^
Force-wielding Daleks. Oh dear god, we're doomed. O.o
"What would you do with it if you got it?"
"IT WOULD MAKE THE DA-LEKS MORE . . . USE-FUL."
~Neshomeh, running away.
What teen is this, whom Suethor wrote,
On Legolas' lap is weeping?
Whom hobbits greet with anthems sweet
While Agents watch are keeping?
This, this is a Mary-Sue
Whom hobbits love and elf-boys woo
Haste, haste to kill her now
This monster, this Sue called Mary
Why lie she in fair Rivendel
Where Council now is meeting?
Good fandom, fear, the Sue is near
She's messed up all the seating.
Sword, bow will pierce her through
The PPC will slay the Sue.
Hail, hail the Agents bold
They've killed this Sue called Mary
So bring them bleeprin and a towel
To wipe off all the glitter
Let no Sues sing in Lord of Rings
If she comes, we will hit her.
Raise, raise a cheer for you
Let joy ring over all HQ
Joy, joy, the Sue is dead
That dreadful Sue called Mary.
In the grand PPC tradition of badfic, blood, and Bleeprin. Well done. ^_^
~Neshomeh
On the first Day of Christmas, the Flowers sent to me...
A Suethor in a Whomping Willow Tree.
On the second Day of Christmas, the Flowers sent to me...
Two Transdimensional Pocket Knives
(Refrain)
On the third Day of Christmas, the Flowers sent to me...
Three 'Sues asinging
(Refrain)
On the fourth Day of Christmas, the Flowers sent to me...
Four Minis abegging
(Refrain)
On the fifth Day of Christmas, the Flowers sent to me...
Five One Rings,
(Refrain)
On the sixth Day of Christmas, the Flowers sent to me...
Six Agents atwitching
(Refrain)
On the seventh Day of Christmas, the Flowers sent to me...
Seven bottles of Bleeprin
(Refrain)
On the eighth Day of Christmas, the Flowers sent to me...
Eight Pages of That Series,
(Refrain)
On the ninth Day of Christmas, the Flowers sent to me...
'Naturally Nine' from Elrond
(Refrain)
On the tenth Day of Christmas, the Flowers sent to me...
Ten Tubes of Dubious Lube
(Refrain)
On the eleventh Day of Christmas, the Flowers sent to me...
Elevent Self-Inserts
(Refrain)
On the twelfth Day of Christmas, the Flowers sent to me...
Twelve nm&nms, eleven self-inserts, ten tubes of Dubious Lube, 'Naturally Nine' from Elrond, eight pages from That Series, seven bottles of Bleeprin, six Agents atwitching, five One Rings, four Minis abegging, three 'Sues asinging and a Suethor in a Whomping Willow Tree!
That's all I got. Feel free to add or subtract stuff from this guys! And a safe and happy Wintertime for you Boarders in the Northern Hemisphere (And muchly ice and coldness for those in the Southern).
I'm delighted to see my transdimensional pocket-knives in there... but you forgot them in the final chant (10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 1). But that's okay. Cheers!
Didn't mean to. I put them in there because it's completely out of line with the amount of syllables that shoulda been there. That and they're memorable *Snerks*
You realize that changing the number of syllables too much makes the filk nigh-impossible to sing, right? {= P
~Neshomeh, life-long choir girl.
Yes, I tried. There's a few words I had to edit out.
It's the PPC, it's not meant to make sense. Plus, imagine seeing the PPC Choir stumble over it while singing, zany PPCness at its purest... sorta.
That's my excuse. Did it work?
Unsingable = I can't record it. If you're cool with that, then it's all good. If not... um... pick a different one, since so many people are doing takes on "12 Days"?
~Neshomeh
I was doing it before it was the cool thing though...
With recordingy things? As soon as I have a functioning computer, that is? *Bounce?*
*Will also probably write something*
It would be cool to have something more than me a capella. What do you want to do?
~Neshomeh
Should there be a wiki page for these...?
I think I'll try to do a Hanukkah song. We'll see how much time I have.
~Zoe~
Maybe I'll try it. Could be interesting, yes it could my precious.