Subject: Oh, believe me, I will.
Author:
Posted on: 2008-11-24 17:50:00 UTC
I'm willing to take suggestions. So far my kills have been death by Mirkwood spider and death by arrow to the throat. I fancy something fairly lingering, personally... though not too splattery, I've got to shepherd a new Agent through it.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4550310/1/ Being in Love Twice is Hard
Fandom: LOTR
Rating: M
Summary: Story of the illegitimate daughter of Arwen And Aragorn. I own nothing but the character of Elbereth but not her name. All owned by Professor Tolkien! PLEASE R & R!
Pairings: Haldir/OC, Legolas/OC
Oh, no, not again. Not as ridiculous as "A Elbereth Gilthoniel" for a name, but just Elbereth is bad enough. Daughter of Arwen and Aragorn, and grows unnaturally quickly for an elf. She develops at the rate humans do, which is just bad biology. She is taught dagger-fighting and archery at the age of five, and is good at it; this is ridiculous enough for humans, let alone a five-year-old elf. She is also apparently an illegitimate daughter. Of course, this is absolutely nonsensical and pointless, as Aragorn and Arwen were actually married. Stupid Suethor. What's worse is that this one actually KNOWS canon, up to having correct Sindarin and knowing the exact date of Arwen's going to Valinor. Very OOC Arwen for the blasphemy alone, and probably other OOC canons.
I think the DMS or DoF will take this one. Standard NameStealing!Sue. I suggest #17 on the 31 Ways to Kill a Mary Sue list. Seems quite fitting, as she's named after a resident of Valinor. #17 involves leading her to the western shore and holding Alfirin in front of her until she drowns.
Four badfics this time.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4504889/1/thisiswhoWEare this is who WE are
Fandom: Pokemon
Rating: M
Summary: epic tail of the bleka world nd wich lotsa tings r difernt...lotsa sadness nd kawaii hot emo goffick guys!11 shinji x oc NOT 4 PREPZ.
Pairings: ShinjixOC
Obvious troll. More and more of these cheap My Immortal ripoffs keep appearing.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4560793/1/TheFireBurningintheRain The Fire Burning in the Rain
Fandom: Pokemon
Rating: M
Summary: Advanceshipping May and her family move to Fortree, the most rain-ridden town in Hoenn, as her Dad has taken up the position of Gym Leader there. When she goes to the school, things take a Supernatural Twist. AshXMay Twilight Crossover
Pairings: MayxAsh
Ripoff of Twilight, except in a Pokemon setting. Pointless and very, very implausible. The two canons don't even have much in common.
<a href="http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2455739/1/3Months">http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2455739/1/3Months 3 Months
Fandom: Shaman King
Rating: K
Summary: Yoh asked Anna to be his girl for 3 months because she refused him at first. He’s keeping a large secret from her, will she find out? What happen if she find out about it? Will she said yes after 3 months? YXA, HXT, RXP, HX[Rumi,OOC]
Pairings: YohxAnna, HaoxTamao, RenxPrinka, HorohoroxOC
Very, very OOC characters, bad pairings. I'm really not sure what Department this goes to, it's mostly wildly OOC behavior and clichés.
<a href="http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2746344/1/MidasKidsMillitary">http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2746344/1/MidasKids_Millitary Midas: Kids Millitary
Fandom: Command and Conquer
Rating: K
Summary: Read the history of the Midas: Kids Millitary that started it all and this is a side and more intresting story besides command&conquer.
Pairings: None
Apparently, this is a Super Crackfic. That, and it's completely idiotic. My first reaction was "What the hell is this?" No idea where this goes, but it just might be DoWTF material. Not likely though.
Burn the first one! Burn it! Oh, and the last one should be nuked, in my opinion. Nukes are perfectly canonical in C&C-verse.
http://www.lotrfanfiction.com/viewstory.php?sid=10242 .:Tears Of Blood:.
Fandom: LOTR
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Selena and Syrus are twins with strange powers that none have ever seen or heard of. They claim to be half-elf, but what of the other half? What secrets do they hold and why did they join the Fellowship? Are they simply there to help? Or is there another reason?
Pairings: Not specified in fic info, some slash
'Sue and 'Stu half-elf twins, supposedly unknown father. Mother!Sue stole Nienna's name. Grelvish is the only form of Elvish in the fic, and the Suethor apparently has no knowledge of either Quenya or Sindarin. Creation of mini-Balrogs, bad spelling, and bad grammar.
Burn them! Burn them!
http://www.lotrfanfiction.com/viewstory.php?sid=9819 Rationalising MPreg
Fandom: LOTR
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Lindir, a former thrall, is forced against his will to become a witness in Sauron's trial on Taniquetil in the Fourth Age. Slash, MPreg, Angst, Slavery, Noncon, Tentacles, Body manipulation, Mind control, Oral, Violence, Minor involved.
It 'contains Slash, MPreg, Angst, Slavery, Noncon, Tentacles, Body manipulation, Mind control, Oral, Violence, Minor involved, and more', according to the story note. What more do I need to say? It's automatically a killworthy fic. Oh, and the author's obviously read the books, including Silm. Quite obvious from the character list, really.
Kill it with fire, kill it with fire, kill it with FIRE!
I suppose Oscar will have to take on that second one. *sigh*
Have you seen the size of the damned thing? I'm not that masochistic.
Well, guess this monster goes on the Unclaimed list for a very, very long time. I'd go for Permission and kill it myself, if I could actually write decently. Ah well. Fic's not going anywhere, anyway.
That reminds me - where are you getting the info on Elves' ageing from? 'Cause we've got a very woobiefied 40 year old Legolas acting like a cross between a 13 year old girl and a stable-boy, and it'd be nice to hit it with a bad Elvish biology charge. (And I'm too lazy to go poking through the Sil, obviously.)
"Morgoth's Ring", from the Histories of Middle Earth, tells us that Elves mature much quicker than humans mentally and can speak, walk and even dance by their first birthday.
However, physical puberty sets in around 50-100 years old, though they reach their adult height by about 50. So you'll get your bad biology charge, Legolas hasn't even hit puberty yet according to your fic.
Read something about aging in a LOTR essay or goodfic, but my memory's apparently fuzzy, so thanks for the elaboration. That will help for future reports. Still, I think being good with knives and bows at five is a bit of a stretch, even for an elf.
And yes, I can't see any parents, Elven or human, wanting their child to be anywhere /near/ sharp pointies at five.
That means we can charge for a) blatant paedophilia and b) pregnancy prior to puberty. Score!
I'm quite annoyed by this one. A canon-knowing canon-buster always annoys me.
She's read the Appendices, for Eru's sake! That's farther than I've gone (sadly, I'm only at the end of FOTR), and I can still keep to the canon better than she can. I'm actually willing to bet on that, you know.
If you're really going to claim the 'fic, one thing: Make sure she gets a special death. Nobody steals the name of one of the Valar and gets off easily.
I'm willing to take suggestions. So far my kills have been death by Mirkwood spider and death by arrow to the throat. I fancy something fairly lingering, personally... though not too splattery, I've got to shepherd a new Agent through it.