Subject: Two points, though.
Author:
Posted on: 2014-08-06 18:26:00 UTC
Being a trained soldier at 20-something isn't too unrealistic, providing this guy comes from the right place and/or verse. As to white hair... well... I knew a guy who was 22 and had white hairs. Most of his hair was brown-ish, though.
Well, I've been sulking around the board and wiki for half a year now, and I think it's time I asked for permission.
I'm making some adjustments to my agent's weapons(namely, Greg 's DART has been replaced with a flashbang and Zhao gets a JS2 PDW instead of a shotgun).
Well, I'm thinking about my Writing sample being exactly how these agents came to be, but that could end up boring.
So, what do you think? Am I ready?
I'm not a permission giver, but I do know that you need (either in this thread or linked):
-- Brief bios of your agents.
-- Writing samples as based on this document. This is meant to test your writing abilities and how well you think given unusual situations.
-- A link to a badfic you intend to spork.
That's what you need. If you're asking whether you SHOULD ask for permission, that's really something only you can decide.
PC
Well, like I said, I'm not expecting permission the first time around. ah well here goes:
AGENTS:THE FANART SOLDIERS:three new agents that were born from hooking a portal generator that was set to fan-art to a reality room. They are from the battlefield continuum, and their department is the DMS.
Grigori:Known as “Greg” to his “brothers”, he is the middle-oldest of the fan-art soldiers. His appearance is that of a 25-year-old generic Russian male with white hair and an average build. He is derived from the Russian assault class from Battlefield 4, and shares that class’s abilities and uniform(albeit with the PPC flash patch).
Personality-wise, he is a stoic loner, only preferring to interact with the other fan-art soldiers. He is also described as the “ego” in contrast to Anderson's stubborn hyperactivity and Zhao's tendency to overanalyze.
His weapons are an SVK-12 marksman rifle, an MP-443 pistol, An M320 loaded with flashbang rounds, and a knife. He also has medic training.
He is a fan of Shonen anime, Comic books, and video games.
He dislikes bad biology or any kind of sex squick(he has the lowest tolerance of the 3)
Zhao:the youngest of the fan-art soldiers, he is derived from the Chinese engineer class. He is 20 years old(biologically), and very slim, with black hair.
Zhao is intelligent but has a tendency to overanalyze situations. He is also described as “nerdy”. He has middle squick tolerance
His weapons are a JS2 PDW, a QSZ-92 pistol, an SMAW, and a knife.
He also can use a blowtorch for close combat.
He likes philosophy and mechanics magazines and books, in addition to puzzles.
He dislikes idiotic plots or bad logic.
Anderson:the eldest of the fan-art soldiers. Derived from the American support class, Anderson is hyperactive and stubborn. Has the highest squick tolerance of the three.
He has the appearance of a generic American male of 28 years, with blond hair and is very muscular.
His weapons are a LSAT machinegun, an M9 pistol, a XM25 loaded with DART flechettes, C4 explosives, and a knife.
He likes action movies, guns, and killing Mary sues.
He dislikes overpowered or “wangsty” OCs.
WRITING SAMPLE:1:agent recruitment(or creation, in this case): “Hurry up!” yelled a DoSAT technician at his two subordinates as they hooked a portal generator into a reality room. “The agents will need this any second!”said the technician. Why are they hooking a portal generator into a reality room, you ask? It all happened because of a shortage of agents. The Marquis de sod had been looking for agents to mission badfic in some....unlikable continua such as sonic or the inheritance cycle. So he ordered the DoSAT technicians to use the reality room and fan-art to create new agents.
The fan-art selected was from the battlefield continuum.
“We're ready.”said a technician. The portal generator was activated, and the fan-art appeared through the portal, becoming three-dimensional in the process. But then, the generator exploded, sucking the background of the art back into the collapsing portal. All that was left were three stunned technicians and three bodies from the fan art.
Spitting out soot, the technicians examined the bodies. One was a Russian assault trooper, the second was a Chinese combat engineer, and the third was an American heavy support. Due to the nature of the fan-art, the bodies were unconscious, mindless, and groaning. “Medical probably has those culture implants ready.”said the head technician.
In the medical department room, there were three pods. Each of the pods was holding one of the three bodies from the reality room explosion. They were being injected with concentrated canon energy to transform them from their generic state. The cultural implants were having the necessary information downloaded. Said information included their personalities and skills, in addition to basic knowledge of the PPC.
When all was done, the pods opened, or more accurately, shorted out, evaporating the liquid inside and causing the bodies to fall out. “Ugh, I feel like I got hit with a truck! Wait, I’ve never seen a truck?!”said the first, the Russian soldier. “It seems we have been brought to life. Wait, who are you two?”said the Chinese engineer. “My god, what happened? Wait, this is the first thing that's happened to me.” said the last, the American support. “Well, that worked, I guess?”said a technician. “Uh, who are you, and where are we?”inquired the soldiers. “Long story.” said the head technician. “Go see the Marquis-de-sod. He'll tell you what happens from here on out.”he said.
“Man, this is weird.”said the support trooper. “We're being sent to a flower?”said the engineer. “Just go along with it, we have no-where else to go.”said the assault soldier. After what felt like half an hour of aimless wandering, they found the office of the Marquis-de-sod. “Well, here we are.”said the three in unison.
“Welcome.”said the Marquis-de-sod. The sight of a massive flower that spoke through telepathy was definitely the single weirdest thing the soldiers had seen in their 35-minute lives. “Want me to explain some things, like why you are here?”said the flower. “Yes. Yes please.” replied the soldiers. “I am a member of the department heads of the protectors of the plot continuum. We defend canon universes from bad fanfiction.”said the flower. “If I may”said the Russian “I believe you may have played a part in our creation.” “Indeed I did. We are running out of agents in the department of mary sues. Some continua, such as the sonic universe or twilight are being severely damaged by badfic. I created you three for the purpose of missioning badfic in those continua.”said the flower. “Is that not right, Grigori?” “I like that name.” said the Russian. “If I may, can my name be Zhao?” said the Chinese. “And I'll be Anderson.” said the American. “Yes, yes.”said the flower. “You already have basic knowledge on how to fight, so training will be short.”said the Marquis-de-sod. “Your response center is #58556762. Dismissed!” “Yes sir!”stated the soldiers.
“Well, we got ourselves a job.” said Grigori. “I really hope that the response center is at least well furnished.”said Zhao. “Something tells me it's not.” said Anderson.
“You were right.” Zhao said. The response center was full of boxes.
2:Bargaining for items at the store: “come on!” yelled Zhao angrily. “I wasted all my ammo dealing with all those replacements! Do you at least have some 5.8 Chinese PDW around here?” “We did, but Sergio bought it all.”said the clerk. “Look, if you like SMGs, we have a large selection in the back. The clerk led Zhao and Anderson to the rear of the armory. “This is all western!”Zhao screamed. “I don't know how to use a UMP or an MP7!” “And there's no 5.56 caseless!” said Anderson. “I ran out of LSAT ammo just like Zhao!”. “Calm down.”said the clerk. “Anderson, there's an M240 that's been gathering dust at the back. Use that.” “Fine.” said Anderson. “But I like my LSAT.” he said scornfully.
Grigori was waiting outside. “Get what you wanted?” he inquired. “Sergio turbo bought all the DVP-92 ammo. And all the other PDWs are Western!” said Zhao as he stormed out of the armory. “At least Anderson got a '240!”. “Calm down.” Said Grigori. “I can train you on how to use an AKU-12.” he said to Zhao. “those are more powerful than your old JS2.” “fine.” Zhao said.
I don't know how to create links, but the badfic I'll be sporking is "light and dark the adventures of dark yagami".
So, what do you think? does anyone think I'm ready?
Sergio Turbo is, as you can guess, one of my Agents and not a free-to-use character. I am usually fine with him being borrowed or mentioned, but it's under some conditions:
1) If you are just mentioning something he canonically did (really, there's plenty of "notable" stuff involving him) I usually don't mind. However, having him take part in the story phisically or claiming that he did something that has never been mentioned before needs my permission and me having beta access to the story. The permission isn't hard to obtain, but it's under two conditions: you must have already obtained the Permission for PPC missions and I must approve what you have in mind for him.
2) If you are using a character, check him or her carefully. In the piece, you claimed that Sergio had bought all the ammunition in a certain caliber - the problem is, he had no reason to do so because he has no weapon that uses it. Also, the Armoury tends to be quite stocked up on ammo, especially if the weapon is present in a popular videogame, so it isn't very likely for him to buy out the entire stock.
Besides, he tends to use weapons from the NATO area, the complete opposite of the character who supposedly wasn't able to buy ammo due to him!
I'll go through this in order, picking out both good and bad points.
First of all, if you're not expecting to get Permission... why are you asking? You don't have to ask, no-one's trying to rush you into it. This is like taking a driving test without expecting to pass - you waste your own time, and the examiner's (though at least with this there's no money involved). If you want concrit, just ask for concrit - we have lots of people willing to give that. What you've done instead is demand that one of the very few Permission Givers look at something you don't actually think needs a PG's attention. I have no idea why you did this.
But that's all by the by. Let's look at your post.
The premise: I had an instinctive 'dear merciful Valar no' response to this, but on rereading, okay. Portalling characters from fanart into a RR to make them realistic - it's unorthodox, but I guess it would work. Sure.
The characters: the profiles are boring, but I think all profiles are boring. I really, honestly, truly don't care which weapons they use, and why people always think that's important baffles me. I also don't know why a 25-year-old would have white hair, or what a 20-year-old is doing being a trained soldier. But aside from that... you've got the loner, 'stubbon hyperactivity' (???), and the analytical 'nerd'. You make a comment that suggests you're going for Id/Ego/Superego, which could be interesting, though I don't know the psychological background well enough to pin each one down.
Sample 1: It... uh. No. In no particular order:
-Speech followed by a dialogue tag ends in a comma, not a full stop. "Like this," said Huinesoron.
-End quote marks should be followed by a space.
-Portals don't work like that. They can't suck things through, just allow them access. Send someone in to drag the soldiers out, sure. But drag the 'universe' the portal links to into HQ? Absolutely not.
-Narrator commentary in a third-person story is usually seen as bad form. 'Why... you ask?' is not something you'll see in a novel unless it's done continuously for effect (eg, The Hobbit, a bunch of other children's books).
-'The head technician' appears to be an unnamed Makes-Things; I don't know why you didn't just use his name.
-The Marquis de Sod doesn't get to order DoSAT to do things; he can ask, but not order.
-For that matter, why is the Marquis involved at all? They only want Assassins, so it seems like the SO would be the one to ask.
-I don't know why you claim people from fanart would be 'mindless', or even need culture implants; it seems like, if they have any existence at all, they should come with 'default backgrounds'.
-I'm pretty sure culture implants don't work like that anyway, though you'd have to ask Neshomeh.
-I have no idea what's up with the 'concentrated canon energy'; I don't think that's a thing.
-If they've been implanted with enough information to give them accents, that pretty much requires them to have false memories.
-The 'wait, this is the first thing that's happened to me' line is funny, I admit.
-The character aspects you claim for the characters... doesn't come through at all. I think you tried to do this - the Chinese one's first words are analysis of the situation - but it really didn't happen. They're totally interchangeable.
-How did they know the Marquis was a Flower?
-You claim they were given basic knowledge of the PPC, then have the Marquis explain it to them... make your mind up.
-Flowers talk in italics. If you don't know how to use italics, use /slashes/ or even *asterisks*. Not speech marks. Never speech marks.
-You have multiple people speaking in the same paragraph on multiple occasions.
-You need more capital letters on titles. 'Protectors of the Plot Continuum'. 'Twilight'. Etc.
-The Marquis' plan is... stupid. First of all, the DMS is not 'running out of agents'; that makes no sense. Secondly... how exactly is recruiting a whole three people going to fix that?
-Where do those names come from? The Marquis gives Grigori his name, and the others randomly pick their own? That's a whole story in itself, but you just... ignored it.
-That's a very long RC number.
And for completeness: the second sample.
-Did Sergio Turbo say you could use his agent?
-This is... a massive paragraph of unfamiliar acronyms. It suffers from all the problems of the previous sample, particularly not breaking for new speakers.
-And, again, it doesn't show us the characterisation at all. Zhao - the analytical 'nerd' - enters the scene yelling angrily. Anderson, the stubborn one, agrees to compromise. You're telling me one thing and showing me another. Zhao is a ball of fury compared to easygoing Grigori - which isn't who I was told to expect!
And overall comments:
-We strongly suggest in the discussion of Permission that you should get a beta reader. If you had a beta reader for these stories, sack them and get a different one who knows what punctuation should look like.
-Your agents devolve into talking heads. The only things they move are their mouths and their physical locations. In the final paragraph, Grigori says 'Calm down,' and then directs a comment to Zhao. He doesn't make any gestures, or turn, or alter his facial expression at all - from what you've told me, he just stands there staring at the wall making comments in monotone. And that goes for every character, all the way through.
-There's nothing really interesting in either of your stories. You have three characters who were created with no memories - and don't give us any of their reactions to this fact. You have an argument over guns, which doesn't devolve into exciting (threats of) violence or... anything. It's just people, saying words, and then someone else says some.
-You don't have to know how to use HTML to copy and paste a link into a post. It's really simple.
-Sentences start with capital letters. You've been dropping them since your very first post; can you please get a handle on this?
So: Permission Denied. Your idea for their origin is interesting and I think unique, but your writing skills, both technical and in terms of characterisation and making things interesting to read, have not shown themselves to be up to making it readable.
I'm sorry.
hS
Umm...... another stupid plan to get permission(they always are stupid, and always will be).
on a side note, how many attempts does it take for most people to get permission? because Iv'e heard one boarder took 4 tries and a year to get permission.
But, yeah, Iximaz and SeaTurtle are right. While you're not doing too good right now, I didn't do too good, either (thence the four, five tries; the year part is just because I write slowly), and I did get Permission. The best piece of advice I can give you is a) read up, b) get a beta or ten, and c) be patient. There's no replacing either of those, really.
>Seems like you expect the request to be turned down before you post it
>Post anyways
>State that each attempt is "stupid and always will be"
Man, you have got to stop this negativity thing. Nothing good will ever come out of it: you're not going to improve your writing by constantly berating yourself.
Like hS said, there's no rush for you to get Permission. Just spend more time and apply yourself to creating well-rounded characters.
I believe it was JulyFlame who once gave a very good piece of advice for first agents: let them be you and people you know about*. Write a self-insert! A common writing tip is to write about what you know: when writing a self-insert, you can better express a reaction to a particular situation because... well, you know how you yourself would handle it.
*at least, that's how I think it went. Don't quote me on this.
Everyone makes mistakes, right? Yours just happened to be overeagerness in your desire to get Permission. You just need to read through and make sure your SPaG is together, and if you really need to, get a beta. It only took me one try to get Permission, but I rewrote my request so many times on paper that my bedroom's trash can was overflowing by the time I was satisfied with what I had.
Just take your time and make sure everything is grammatically correct before requesting and you'll get it, I promise!
Being a trained soldier at 20-something isn't too unrealistic, providing this guy comes from the right place and/or verse. As to white hair... well... I knew a guy who was 22 and had white hairs. Most of his hair was brown-ish, though.
Well, like I said, I'm not expecting permission the first time around. ah well here goes:
AGENTS:THE FANART SOLDIERS:three new agents that were born from hooking a portal generator that was set to fan-art to a reality room. They are from the battlefield continuum, and their department is the DMS.
Grigori:Known as “Greg” to his “brothers”, he is the middle-oldest of the fan-art soldiers. His appearance is that of a 25-year-old generic Russian male with white hair and an average build. He is derived from the Russian assault class from Battlefield 4, and shares that class’s abilities and uniform(albeit with the PPC flash patch).
Personality-wise, he is a stoic loner, only preferring to interact with the other fan-art soldiers. He is also described as the “ego” in contrast to Anderson's stubborn hyperactivity and Zhao's tendency to overanalyze.
His weapons are an SVK-12 marksman rifle, an MP-443 pistol, An M320 loaded with flashbang rounds, and a knife. He also has medic training.
He is a fan of Shonen anime, Comic books, and video games.
He dislikes bad biology or any kind of sex squick(he has the lowest tolerance of the 3)
Zhao:the youngest of the fan-art soldiers, he is derived from the Chinese engineer class. He is 20 years old(biologically), and very slim, with black hair.
Zhao is intelligent but has a tendency to overanalyze situations. He is also described as “nerdy”. He has middle squick tolerance
His weapons are a JS2 PDW, a QSZ-92 pistol, an SMAW, and a knife.
He also can use a blowtorch for close combat.
He likes philosophy and mechanics magazines and books, in addition to puzzles.
He dislikes idiotic plots or bad logic.
Anderson:the eldest of the fan-art soldiers. Derived from the American support class, Anderson is hyperactive and stubborn. Has the highest squick tolerance of the three.
He has the appearance of a generic American male of 28 years, with blond hair and is very muscular.
His weapons are a LSAT machinegun, an M9 pistol, a XM25 loaded with DART flechettes, C4 explosives, and a knife.
He likes action movies, guns, and killing Mary sues.
He dislikes overpowered or “wangsty” OCs.
WRITING SAMPLE:1:agent recruitment(or creation, in this case): “Hurry up!” yelled a DoSAT technician at his two subordinates as they hooked a portal generator into a reality room. “The agents will need this any second!”said the technician. Why are they hooking a portal generator into a reality room, you ask? It all happened because of a shortage of agents. The Marquis de sod had been looking for agents to mission badfic in some....unlikable continua such as sonic or the inheritance cycle. So he ordered the DoSAT technicians to use the reality room and fan-art to create new agents.
The fan-art selected was from the battlefield continuum.
“We're ready.”said a technician. The portal generator was activated, and the fan-art appeared through the portal, becoming three-dimensional in the process. But then, the generator exploded, sucking the background of the art back into the collapsing portal. All that was left were three stunned technicians and three bodies from the fan art.
Spitting out soot, the technicians examined the bodies. One was a Russian assault trooper, the second was a Chinese combat engineer, and the third was an American heavy support. Due to the nature of the fan-art, the bodies were unconscious, mindless, and groaning. “Medical probably has those culture implants ready.”said the head technician.
In the medical department room, there were three pods. Each of the pods was holding one of the three bodies from the reality room explosion. They were being injected with concentrated canon energy to transform them from their generic state. The cultural implants were having the necessary information downloaded. Said information included their personalities and skills, in addition to basic knowledge of the PPC.
When all was done, the pods opened, or more accurately, shorted out, evaporating the liquid inside and causing the bodies to fall out. “Ugh, I feel like I got hit with a truck! Wait, I’ve never seen a truck?!”said the first, the Russian soldier. “It seems we have been brought to life. Wait, who are you two?”said the Chinese engineer. “My god, what happened? Wait, this is the first thing that's happened to me.” said the last, the American support. “Well, that worked, I guess?”said a technician. “Uh, who are you, and where are we?”inquired the soldiers. “Long story.” said the head technician. “Go see the Marquis-de-sod. He'll tell you what happens from here on out.”he said.
“Man, this is weird.”said the support trooper. “We're being sent to a flower?”said the engineer. “Just go along with it, we have no-where else to go.”said the assault soldier. After what felt like half an hour of aimless wandering, they found the office of the Marquis-de-sod. “Well, here we are.”said the three in unison.
“Welcome.”said the Marquis-de-sod. The sight of a massive flower that spoke through telepathy was definitely the single weirdest thing the soldiers had seen in their 35-minute lives. “Want me to explain some things, like why you are here?”said the flower. “Yes. Yes please.” replied the soldiers. “I am a member of the department heads of the protectors of the plot continuum. We defend canon universes from bad fanfiction.”said the flower. “If I may”said the Russian “I believe you may have played a part in our creation.” “Indeed I did. We are running out of agents in the department of mary sues. Some continua, such as the sonic universe or twilight are being severely damaged by badfic. I created you three for the purpose of missioning badfic in those continua.”said the flower. “Is that not right, Grigori?” “I like that name.” said the Russian. “If I may, can my name be Zhao?” said the Chinese. “And I'll be Anderson.” said the American. “Yes, yes.”said the flower. “You already have basic knowledge on how to fight, so training will be short.”said the Marquis-de-sod. “Your response center is #58556762. Dismissed!” “Yes sir!”stated the soldiers.
“Well, we got ourselves a job.” said Grigori. “I really hope that the response center is at least well furnished.”said Zhao. “Something tells me it's not.” said Anderson.
“You were right.” Zhao said. The response center was full of boxes.
2:Bargaining for items at the store: “come on!” yelled Zhao angrily. “I wasted all my ammo dealing with all those replacements! Do you at least have some 5.8 Chinese PDW around here?” “We did, but Sergio bought it all.”said the clerk. “Look, if you like SMGs, we have a large selection in the back. The clerk led Zhao and Anderson to the rear of the armory. “This is all western!”Zhao screamed. “I don't know how to use a UMP or an MP7!” “And there's no 5.56 caseless!” said Anderson. “I ran out of LSAT ammo just like Zhao!”. “Calm down.”said the clerk. “Anderson, there's an M240 that's been gathering dust at the back. Use that.” “Fine.” said Anderson. “But I like my LSAT.” he said scornfully.
Grigori was waiting outside. “Get what you wanted?” he inquired. “Sergio turbo bought all the DVP-92 ammo. And all the other PDWs are Western!” said Zhao as he stormed out of the armory. “At least Anderson got a '240!”. “Calm down.” Said Grigori. “I can train you on how to use an AKU-12.” he said to Zhao. “those are more powerful than your old JS2.” “fine.” Zhao said.
I don't know how to create links, but the badfic I'll be sporking is "light and dark the adventures of dark yagami".
So, what do you think? does anyone think I'm ready?
If you think you're ready then go for it. Just ask yourself, have you participated in discussions on the board? Have you read through TOS and other spin-offs? Do you agreed to the constitution? If those answers are yes then go for it.
A note on the writing samples, a small while back Hs and some others came up with a random prompt table (or two) to use to help create writing samples, I haven't got the link to hand, but if you search around for it then that could be quite a good way of producing a writing sample without it ending up 'boring'.
Storme Hawk
I have read the original series and many spinoffs. I agree to the constitution. I have participated in board and IRC discussions.
I think I'm ready.
Here's the big confusing list of what you need to do.
Since we keep editing it to try and make the whole thing easier and less confusing, it would help if people go into detail about what's confusing them.
hS
Perhaps a checklist or a template, or a page that has the request stuff separate from everything else. I just checked and it only shows needing the agent bios, the intended badfic, and an unspecified writing sample. Before, there was a lot of clicking around to find all the information.
Then again, I'm bad at this sort of stuff. My mother always did my tax returns, I've been married for five years and still haven't officialised all the name-changing stuff so my husband can't file electronically, and next year I'm going to have to carry a printout showing that it's legal for me to drive on an expired license because they won't let me get one in this state.