Subject: Response
Author:
Posted on: 2014-05-24 22:44:00 UTC

Overall, I think this looks good. The characters sound like good, clean fun, and I have to admit I'm intrigued by the idea of an agent who is literally a cat. However, I have one major criticism and a few minor things I want to point out.

First, the big thing, which is to do with the scenario in your random prompt. It... doesn't make much sense. I'm fine with Silver taking a mission solo while Anna is assigned elsewhere (though it would be more usual for Silver to get someone else assigned to her temporarily), but I'm confused about where the other agents came from (were they accidentally assigned to the same fic?) and how they could possibly mistake Silver for a Sue they've been following long enough to compile a full charge list. I thought there might be an explanation to the effect that the amulet Silver was holding changed her appearance or fooled the agents' equipment or something, but all she was doing was holding it, which is not terribly incriminating. And there was nothing else to go on, not even a word about Silver and the Sue looking similar. Speaking of which, was she even in disguise? And if she wasn't in disguise, how come the other agents didn't see her flash patch? There's a lot that needs explaining.

I think the basic idea could work if you dealt with those problems, though, and the scene was amusing. I liked the dialogue between the orc agents.

Now the little questions:

* RC 19~Pie? What? If there's a joke, I don't get it.

* Silver is supposed to be quiet around strangers, becoming chatty with people she knows. However, she's very exuberant toward Anna right away in the control prompt, which seems like a contradiction. Is she only quiet in groups, but otherwise warms up to people quickly? How big does the group need to be to make her get quiet?

* Is the backstory about Silver being co-editor of a magazine based on your real life experience? Is it a student publication, or family-owned, perhaps? Otherwise, this could well be my own ignorance talking, but I'm not sure how a young college-age person gets to a position as high as co-editor even in a small publishing company.

* I know this is something that happens later, but how is it going to work for Skyfoot to live with Silver and Anna if she works in the DMS? Doesn't she have a partner of her own? Or is she going to transfer?

* How does Skyfoot's collar get to her wrist when she transforms? It could just stay a collar. Alternatively, the collar could simply translate from Cat to English, like Dug's collar in Up! She could still transform as needed for missions with the aid of the disguise generator.

And a couple SPaG notes:

* You need to use first-line indents or double line-breaks to set off new paragraphs. I recommend double line-breaks. It's standard online, and it's easy.

* Your dialogue punctuation is a little spotty. There are a few places where the punctuation and/or capitalization are off:

- “Anna. Anna Parks.” Anna replied should be "Anna. Anna Parks," Anna replied

- “I think she’s tortured Agent Silver for information.” One orc growled. should be "I think she's tortured Agent Silver for information," one orc growled.

- Silver gulped, “Sunflower Official! Floating Hyacinth! The Marquis de Sod!” should be Silver gulped. "Sunflower Official! Floating Hyacinth! The Marquie de Sod!" (You can't gulp and speak at the same time.)

- “LEGOLAS HELP ME!” The ‘Sue shrieked should be "LEGOLAS HELP ME!" the 'Sue shrieked (Assuming she shrieked the words rather than shouting, then shrieking wordlessly.)

* I'm guessing you aren't sure how to use HTML on the Board, but titles of long works such as [The] Lord of the Rings should be italicized, and you should use italic or bold type for emphasis rather than asterisks. You can look up HTML lots of places, including our FAQ: For Newbies (and soon FAQ: The Board, because this is kind of an oversight and I'm going to fix it).

... I think that's everything. I think what I'd like you to do is re-write the random prompt to plug up those plotholes and do some tweaking based on my other comments, and if everything is ship-shape after that, I will give my verdict. {= )

~Neshomeh

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