Subject: If Miah doesn't have an official first recorded mission now,
Author:
Posted on: 2014-03-15 17:51:00 UTC
Then maybe we can address a slight discrepancy in the RC numbering. Well, that's not the best phrasing. It isn't a discrepancy so much as a blip in RC #4096's personal history. Namely, that it's had a lot of it.
(breaks out the Continuity Clipboard) The Response Center was first documented in the long-running Tawaki spin-off, as the RC of Agent Nicholas Duval. After he married Kamkenta Squee and Tawaki was transferred to the Department of Floaters, Nicholas and his wife worked out of RC #4096 until Nicholas was killed by invaders from the Mirror Multiverse, during which Kamkenta was sent to a PPC TARDIS(in light of current continuity, more likely a Dalek Time Ship that was mistaken for/reformatted as a TARDIS) during the Macrovirus Infestation and partnered with its operator, the humanized Dalek Omicron. The two worked out of RC #4096 until a Gary Stu-related mishap required them to use Omicron's old time machine to rescue Tawaki and Tadkeeta from Ramandu's Island in Narnia. The events of that rescue are undocumented, but Omicron brought the two captured Agents back to Headquarters and Kamkenta went MIA. The last documentation of RC #4096 prior to Miah's use of it was in 2009, with Omicron as its only occupant. Then, in 2010, Miah was shown to work out of that same Response Center, with no Dalek to be seen, and no known partner until Cali Still came along.
Are you thinking what Iii'm thinking? If it was "Miah would have been partnered for a mission with Omicron, or maybe two, before he transferred somewhere else and left the storied RC in Miah and Cali's hands", then you were! And maybe... (taps fingertips together nervously) we could co-write that mission? I've really enjoyed the Miah/Caddy-shack/Herr Wozzeck shared sub-universe, and I would love to be a part of it. Maybe we could use the opportunity to tie up some loose ends, too, like how Miah and Eileen met.
Oh, and while we're talking, I've found a few typos in "McKaloy's Fortnight".
Well, I had to get your attention, somehow! There is no need for that second comma.
“ARGH! Owowow” Cadmar flailed a bit from the sudden shooting pain in her leg. Sudden shooting pain should be indicated by some sort of punctuation mark. Perhaps "Owowow!" to indicate continuing pain from the initial "ARGH!", or simply "Owowow." to indicate that the initial pain has subsided slightly, but Cadmar still finds its presence unpleasant.
wrapping her arms tightly around Cadmar’s torso and burying her head in the other girls neck. "girls" should have an apostrophe, since it is a neck belonging to one girl instead of multiple girls sharing the same neck.
“Sorry, I’m just glad your alive,” Maria said with a sigh. “I am too, but un... could you maybe not hold me like a baby?” That should be "you're" rather than "your". Also, did you mean "um" there? The two keys are right next to each other, so it's an understandable typo, but "un" does sound like a noise someone would make while in pain, so it could go either way.
So at no time, did you think That comma is not necessary. It belongs a few lines lower, after the word "bit" in Cali felt his grip loosen a bit and he slid an ominous inch.
Then McKaLoy said, “Did you see it’s reaction to her?” That should be "its" rather than "it's".
Cadmar was sitting on the edges on one of the beds in Medical That should just be "edge", unless she was on all of the edges simultaneously, which would really hurt to do with a broken leg.
Well, either that or I break both your legs so you can’t run off, either is fine with me, and stop looking nervous, I’d give you morphine first.” There are far too many independent clauses in that sentence. You will need to separate it at least at the "stop looking nervous" section, because that is very run-on, and remove the first "either" because it's a little redundant. In fact, each of those clauses could carry a sentence on its own, with only minor rephrasing. Well, that or I break both your legs so you can’t run off. Either way is fine with me. Oh, stop looking nervous. I’d give you morphine first.”
“Don’t act like you’re scared, I saw your browser history on the laptop!” Maria stuck her tongue out. Cadmar’s eyes widened. “Besides, I’m really glad you’re back, its been way too boring in the RC, Another run-on in the first part(replace that comma after "scared" with a period and it'll fix right up, though), and you should replace "its" with "it's" in the second part.
Cadmar looked ready to reply, when the doors opened, and Cali and Miah walked in, in the middle of talking. There are too many commas here, and that last part is phrased a little awkwardly. There are multiple ways to fix this, but what I consider the best solution would be Cadmar looked ready to reply, but the doors opened and Cali and Miah entered, in the middle of a conversation. It takes out the "when", but I couldn't think of a way to rearrange the commas and keep it in without restructuring the entire sentence. It still doesn't read the best, and if I were to remake the whole thing, I'd say Just as Cadmar looked ready to reply, the doors opened and Miah and Cali entered, The two agents seemed to be in the middle of a conversation. Hmm, this has turned more into an after-the-fact beta-reading session more than it has a typo report, hasn't it?
“A little more forward then on our date...” she said nervously. This should be "than" rather than "then".
“The portal wrecking menace that we left in our RC with Dann, might explain why you were gone for so long.” "portal wrecking" should have a hyphen between the two words, and that comma should be taken out.
“I mean, We haven’t seen you for a while, Maria uses the Royal We? Or, more likely, the W was just capitalized when it should have been lowercase.
This caused Maria is burst out laughing. That "is" should be a "to".
And... that's all, I think. At least, those are all that I caught. While I love your sub-universe, I'll admit that wherever Cadmar goes, typographical errors seem to follow.
