I loved it. Even though I'm not really a Harry Potter fan, the dynamic between your agents was great fun. And the idea of using a Sue's hair for a yo-yo was brilliant.

"I'm curious and wonder, and have to ask - what is that?"

Haar reached down with one long arm and picked up the sheet of paper that had just been shoved under their door. He held it up for Rosalind's inspection. "Note."

"A note?" Rosalind scurried across and took it from him. "Who, that is, which agents would write us a note and send us said note?"

Haar said nothing. Rosalind barely noticed.

"'Hello, hello, hello,'" she read, and snorted. "Who do they think we are? Which Department? Do they believe and suppose that we are the Department called the Repetitive Department of Repetition? I may or might have to call them and tell and explain to them the difference, and our respective roles."

Haar said nothing. Rosalind snorted and looked back at the note.

"'Seven a.m. in the morning'?" she read aloud. "Well, that is, or could certainly be said to be, within our jurisdiction and under our authority. An entry or log needs to be, indeed, is required to be made and written. Haar, my partner, will you undertake to compose and write the log, or will you prepare and deliver the receipt, or the note of acknowledgement and receipt, to the agents who are called and known as Agent Rina and Agent Randa, Assassins of the Department of Mary-Sues?"

Haar considered this, his metal head tilted to one side. Blue lights flickered across his skull. Finally, he said: "Yes."

Rosalind sighed. This was going to take a while.

This is a very solid starting mission. Your agents have a good rapport and play very well off each other. I especially liked the moment where Rina's fangirling sets off the CAD. It's a nice touch.

The biggest thing that bothered me about your story was the ease with which Rina is set off by the badfic. The pounding her head against things, the shouting, the wailing, the general gnashing of teeth: it's a kind of hyperbolic rage that seems to be quite common in the PPC. There's nothing strictly wrong with it, but to me it feels a bit forced, a bit fake. People don't typically react like that in real life. They groan and moan and facepalm, not bash their skull against a window. However, I can sort of excuse it in this case from a in-story perspective. This is their first mission, after all. Rina and Randa (the characters) are fresh-faced rookies. They haven't built up all those psyche scars that most veteran agents (should) have.

The other thing that troubled me was the charge list. It's a big blocky paragraph that dominates the page and messes up the otherwise pretty good pacing you'd established throughout the mission. It also repeats every problem with the badfic that you'd already shown us. Generalize. For example: 'you are charged with three counts of making canon character OOC, one count of creating minis, one count of blah de blah with hur de gur' and so on.

Look forward to seeing what you do next.

And yeah, looking back, it definitely feels TOS-y, which is a lovely thing. The badfic you picked was also rather reminiscent of Jay and Acacia. And your writing was funny. Very very funny. Lovely job!

-Aila

And I was right to be, because this was great. I agree with the people who've said it's very reminiscent of TOS-era PPC; it's got the same kind of vibe as those stories and it's laugh-out-loud funny in places. Fantastic first stab, old scream, and long may your PPC-writing career continue! =oD

Well done! That was a great read! I loved the bit with the mini-Aragog; you made him (her) kind of cute! =D Your agents play really well off each other, too; it's like they're sisters! (Always a good feeling)

This was fun! It reminded me a lot of the Original Series, with the agents clearly being friends, and getting along . . . most of the time. And still being willing to chide each other, and keep the other's more problematic traits from causing difficulties. (Sort of like the way the Sorting Hat described Ordellya, but with showing instead of telling!)

You picked a great fanfic for a first mission: short, simple, and with lots and lots of typos that turn hilarious when interpreted literally. (Actually, my absolute favorite line from the original story was when Sirius was described as having the other black hair.)

I like that you had Peter pop back into existence upon the Sue's loss of control over the canon. His absence from most scenes casts a pretty clear light on the story's real purpose: not to explore the Marauders' time at Hogwarts, but Ordellya, Ordellya, always Ordellya, only Ordellya. You helped highlight this as well, by focusing on the canons' OOC reactions to her, and with the scene where they (including the other OC!) stood still and actionless until Ordellya arrived. (Also, it's not fair to punish preteen!Peter for his adult, bad guy self's actions!)

One charge you included that I feel a bit picky about is that she knew Hogwarts better than the Marauders. I agree this would be unrealistic for the average, just-got-to-school OC, but in Ordellya's case, being Dumbledore's daughter, and apparently being raised on the Hogwarts grounds (actually, does Albus even have a home outside Hogwarts? Maybe even that would be canon), the Sue probably would have much more familiarity with passages and such than the Maruaders would have after only two school years of exploration. (I am the son of a high school teacher. By the time I actually attended that school, I knew the details of teacher's lounge, the location of the underground staff cafeteria, many administration offices that most students would never see, the storage layout of the textbook store, etc.)

There are also a couple little typos to fix:
". . . then held up to yo-yo so Rina could smell the string . . ."

"Rina squng around and jabbed a finger . . ."

I'm not much of a Potter fan, and even I agree that that Sue had to die.

And it's a good thing that you charged her with the use of the Greek, though she should have been charged not just with using it, but with using it wrong! ARGH! It wasn't enough for you to mangle the English language, was it, Sue? No; you had to mangle the Greek language as well! Come on! If you are going to use a foreign language, you had better make bloody sure that you've used it correctly! Even the most basic of Greek students can tell that ανοιγμα is a noun, not a verb! If you are going for Ancient Greek, the correct word is ἄνοιγε. And if you're going for Modern Greek, the word is apparently ανοίξει according to Google Translate. If you want to look smart, MAKE SURE THAT YOU ACTUALLY KNOW WHAT ON EARTH YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT!

And by the way, Potterverse spells look like they come from LATIN, so if you REALLY wanted a spell that would make sense in-universe, YOU SHOULD HAVE USED A LATIN WORD, LIKE PATEFACE! BUT MAYBE YOU WERE JUST TO FULL OF YOURSELF AND YOUR "KNOWLEDGE" OF GREEK TO EVEN THINK OF THAT!

*takes deep breaths*

Sorry, but as a polyglot, mangling of languages annoys me--especially if the mangled language is Latin or Greek. I felt like venting the second I saw that noun.

Ahem. Either way, good first mission, Iximaz, and here's to more to come!

That was absolutely hilarious. Plus, I already have a feel for the characters, which is probably the most important thing to do in the first chapter of anything. I look forward to more.

No Mini-Aragog from Perfects?
I think that Randa could in the future use her yo-yo to choke the sues.
Other than that, I rather liked this mission report.

Wrong link- here's the actual one. Sorry!

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1RpBPg72gga-eRxktGMqMhuTabv-fx1_qvS06nbfm0/pub