Subject: I... am dubious. [No decision; second PG opinion, please]
Author:
Posted on: 2014-02-21 14:45:00 UTC
I'm getting a very strong 'dark' vibe from your work here. You describe Annie with this phrase: 'Hates, hates unnecessary angst. Collects ‘trophies’. Meaning hair clippings of slain Sues. Don’t angst. Just... don’t.' You mention things like 'a bit of a cruel streak', and 'relentless creepiness'.
Your writing sample continues this theme - the sheer number of warnings on it is quite terrifying. And, obviously, there's nothing wrong with liking dark stories. It just... isn't what the PPC is about.
My second concern is the amount of implied 'randomly's in your agents' descriptions. Lilly randomly ends up in HQ, randomly stuck as a hologram, randomly has her eyes fall out, randomly has a DA flashpatch, randomly actually decides to join said department... her whole character seems to consist of 'a thing, for no reason'.
Annie has some of the same. 'We’re not quite sure who raised her, because she just... appeared one day and started working extremely long hours'. I get that you're probably trying to keep it secret for a Big Reveal, but at the moment it's just... out of nowhere.
But (and it's a big but) I'm not sure to what extent those things matter. Your SPG are certainly fine, and you have some good ideas in there. So... hrm.
Okay, here's what I'm going to do. In addition to asking another PG to take a look, I have a request:
Write a story, 200-500 words, in which your agents... let's see... encounter a robot in HQ wearing a paper mask of BBC Sherlock's face. This should take place some time after they've been partnered - in other words, it's not a 'oh hi I'm so-and-so' story, it's a showcase of how you'll write them working together.
(Said story need not be taken as part of your agents' canon, but can be if you like)
This is just a request - you don't have to do it, and I'm not guaranteeing you'll get Permission if you do (obviously) - but I think it would help us get a better idea of who they are and how you'll write them.
hS