Subject: Thanks a lot
Author:
Posted on: 2013-11-08 04:07:00 UTC
I've tweaked the description section as you suggested. If you like, I can send you a copy of the chapter when I send it to Outhra for betaing. That will be a few months in the future, though; this is in Chapter 6, while it's Chapter 4 that's currently being betaed.
~sonofheaven176
Before I say anything further, let me say good luck to those of you who are participating in NaNoWriMo.
Now on a slightly related topic, I have a series of writing-related questions. As all of us PPCers know (especially those with agents), description can be difficult. That is especailly so when dealing with an anime character, as anime is notorious for complex designs. So, I'd like to ask your help in answering some questions. Lest I bore you with a wall of text, I'll put my questions as sub-posts.
Here is my other question. As anyone who has watched Bakugan can tell you, the Vexos are very conspicuous when walking around Earth in their usual outfits. So I'll be having Volt put on some more normal-looking garb not too far into my fic.
This drawing from DeviantArt is a possible idea of what I might have him wear. (Yes, the character is a hedgehog. Ignore it; the clothes are my focus.)
How would you describe the upper-body clothing? (I'm leaving everything below the belt unchanged from his Vexos uniform.)
Also, if anyone has any different suggestions, please let me hear it. However, note that I want to have Volt keep that white/gold/black color scheme that he has--just with more normal-looking clothes.
Thanks loads!
As you should all know by now, I am working on a Bakugan/Pokemon crossover. Thus far, my main character is Volt Luster, a Bakugan canon.
Here is a picture of him (he's the man standing with his arms crossed).
A different picture can be found here.
Below is an excerpt of the part of my story where I describe him:
[Nurse Joy said], “Kaiser called ahead and said that ‘a peach-haired musclehead with weird clothin’ called “Volt Luster”’ would be coming here .... And you certainly fit that description.”
“Weird” certainly described Volt’s garb; it was by no means common to Kanto. Draped over Volt’s shoulders was a collared white cloak with orange highlights. Yellow fur lined the inside of the collar. Underneath the cloak was what seemed to be a black T-shirt with a neckline that started under the collarbone, with a gold zipper up the middle. The shirt extended past the waist, where there was a wide brown belt with a silver pentagon-shaped buckle. Extending under the shirt, and presumably held up by the belt, was a long piece of white cloth that wrapped behind Volt’s legs. The best description of the cloth that the woman could muster was an open-fronted kilt with no pleats. The same yellow-fur lining from the collar of Volt’s cloak lined the opening and the hem of the kilt as well. Had the woman not noticed that the cloak only extended towards the waist, she would have thought that the cloak and kilt were one long trenchcoat. Perhaps the illusion was deliberate; so similar were the two pieces of clothing in design. Underneath the kilt was a pair of black pants. On Volt’s feet were white boots, each with a zipper up the middle and two parallel yellow stripes running around the sides and back of the cuff.
Is that an adequate description of him? If it can/should be improved, how?
And please don't forget to check out the other post. Thanks!
While it's certainly important to put a clear image in your readers' heads, a fanfic isn't anime, so some of the visual details are going to be lost no matter what. I kinda feel like putting so much emphasis on the outfit will only slow down the story. If I'm working on putting all the details together to figure out what his outfit looks like, I'm not getting immersed in what's actually going on in the scene. Exactly what he's wearing isn't as important as the impression it gives off when combined with his body language.
Plus, would Nurse Joy really take the time to study him in that much detail right then? Staring is rude. Also, is he the type to stand still and let her, or is he a "get to the point" kinda guy? He looks like one in the pictures.
It makes sense that the eye would be drawn to something out of the ordinary, but it seems to me that the weirdest thing about his clothing is that he's not actually wearing a cloak or long coat, but a short cape and what I'd call a butt-cape. If there's a better term, I don't know it; but it doesn't put me in mind of a kilt at all. It's too long, and pleats in back and a sporran in front are what make a kilt a kilt and not a skirt.
Anyway, since the two pieces together look so much like a heavy cloak/long coat, would Nurse Joy even notice that they aren't if he were just standing in front of her, or would she be more likely to pick up on that when he moves? You could give a basic sketch of the outfit when she first sees him, then add in the details as they become more apparent or actually important, whichever comes first. You don't have to put it in all at once.
That's kind of a ramble, but I hope it makes sense and helps some.
~Neshomeh
I did some work on the descriptions, and I think I got it better this time. Below is a longer excerpt from my manuscript, which includes the description sections. What do you think of it, Neshomeh?
--
When Volt arrived in Fuchsia City, he immediately started feeling like he was attracting too much attention. Passersby, noticing Volt’s unusual clothing, started muttering amongst themselves:
“Who is that man?”
“Maybe he’s an actor? But isn’t Schpielbunk in Virbank City this year?”
“Is he a Trainer for Koga’s Gym?”
“Impossible: that doesn’t look like a ninja outfit at all. Maybe he’s a Coordinator.”
“That’s what they call artsy nowadays?”
“Mommy, that man looks funny!”
“It’s not polite to point, honey.”
Fortunately for Volt, he did not have to add to his embarrassment by asking for directions, as after walking straight ahead for a few blocks, he saw the building Kaiser described, located right in the middle of the street.
Entering the Pokémon Center doors, Volt saw a reception desk, behind which stood a pink-haired woman wearing a pink dress under a white apron. On her head was a hat with a blue cross on the front. Standing beside her was a Chansey, which was wearing the same type of hat as the human it was accompanying.
“Good morning, ma’am,” Volt said. Looking around at the nearly-empty building, he asked, “Did, uh, someone come here looking for me?”
“Not that I remember, no,” the woman replied. “Are you supposed to be meeting someone here?”
“I was supposed to be meeting someone who works for Professor Oak.”
A look of realization came upon the woman’s face. “So you must be Volt Luster!”
“How did you know my name?” Volt asked.
She replied, “Kaiser called ahead and said that ‘a peach-haired musclehead with weird clothin’ called “Volt Luster”’ would be coming here to meet an aide of Professor Oak. And you certainly fit that description.”
“Weird” certainly described Volt’s garb; it was by no means common to Kanto. Draped over Volt’s shoulders was a collared white cape with orange highlights. Yellow fur lined the inside of the collar. When Volt walked in, the woman thought that he was wearing a long cloak, but given a closer look, she saw that the “cloak” was actually two capes, one draped around his shoulders, and another presumably extending from the waist. Underneath the upper cape was what seemed to be a black T-shirt with a neckline that started under the collarbone, with a gold zipper up the middle. The shirt extended past the waist, where there was a wide brown belt with a silver pentagon-shaped buckle.
“Well, since you know apparently know my name already, what is yours?” Volt asked.
“You can call me Nurse Joy; everyone does,” the woman replied.
Volt noticed a picture on the wall behind Nurse Joy. The picture showed a multitude of women, all wearing the same outfit, and all looking exactly like the nurse.
“What is that picture back there?” asked Volt.
“Oh, that?” Nurse Joy replied. “That’s just a picture from our latest family reunion. It was a pretty small one, though; only the Joys from Kanto showed up.”
What? There are identical copies of this same woman all over Kanto? Volt thought. Even Vestal doesn’t have cloning technology!
“It was not that we didn’t try to invite other Joys, you know. I remember sending out invites to my second cousin once removed in Nimbasa City and to my third cousin in Castelia City,” Nurse Joy continued. “They also look like me, by the way.”
What?! “That’s quite an … interesting family you have there,” Volt said.
Okay, so we’re not dealing with clones. Either this family has some weird genetics or some pretty exacting aesthetic standards. Whatever it is, I don’t want to know, and I hopefully won’t be on this planet long enough to find out.
--
I moved the description of the rest of his garb to another part of the story, since it will remain unchanged when he changes into more Kanto-style clothing.
First, I think you're missing out on a great opportunity to slip in some details with the bit leading up to Volt entering the Pokémon Center. You've got people staring and making comments about his appearance already, so have a few of them get a little more specific.
"Impossible. Ninjas don't wear X."
"Mommy, why is that man wearing a cape on his butt?" (Yes, I'm still hung up on that. No, I'm not seriously advocating the use of this line. >.> )
As for the paragraph itself, I think it's definitely better this time, but it's a bit redundant in that you've got the top cape described twice. Also, the rest of the passage is from Volt's POV, so it's a little jarring to suddenly be in Nurse Joy's head for the description. I'd rewrite it like this:
“Weird” certainly described Volt’s garb; it was by no means common to Kanto. At first glance, he seemed to be wearing a long cloak, but the “cloak” was actually two capes, one draped around his shoulders, and another extending from the waist. Both parts were white with yellow fur lining, and the upper cape was collared and decorated with gold trim. Underneath he wore a black shirt with a low neckline and a gold zipper up the middle. The shirt extended past the waist, where there was a wide brown belt with a silver pentagon-shaped buckle.
I might even move this paragraph up to before the paragraph starting "Fortunately for Volt, ...". That way it doesn't interrupt the dialogue between Volt and Joy.
~Neshomeh
I've tweaked the description section as you suggested. If you like, I can send you a copy of the chapter when I send it to Outhra for betaing. That will be a few months in the future, though; this is in Chapter 6, while it's Chapter 4 that's currently being betaed.
~sonofheaven176
As I've mentioned, this is my first fanfic, and I'd appreciate all the help I can get. I see that I'd have to cut down on the description or else move it elsewhere.
(Quick background: I originally had the description scene be from Tracey Sketchit's point of view. Being a Pokemon watcher, he'd be more apt to notice details. However, a long description of a man, coming from another man... You can tell that the implications are not something that I'd want to wade into.)
Please don't forget the other questions: When you think of "Volt Luster, Pokemon Trainer," what kind of outfit do you have in mind?
'Volt Luster, Pokemon Trainer' is very clearly a Lt. Surge fangirl/boy. I'm picturing cosplay and a very bad American accent. And 'Pokemon' which are actually just random small animals/objects with batteries taped to them.
Useful? No. But hilarious.
hS
PS: Apparently there is actually a minor Pokemon character named Volt... but I still think a Surge-luster is funnier.
Also, I don't recommend doing this.
hS
Man, I'd forgotten about Lt. Surge. That's too perfect. {X D
~Neshomeh
When I think "Pokémon Trainer" I pretty much just think of Ash from the cartoon, and nobody likes him. I don't know much about the broader Pokémon universe, and nothing at all about the fashions of Kanto.
As for "Volt Luster," I think of a lecherous and possibly shiny lightning bolt. I figure it can wear whatever it wants as long as it's not trying to chat me up. >.
I will make an attempt to say something helpful, though. A normal kind of animal trainer can wear pretty much anything they want, I think, if the animal isn't dangerous. If you're dealing with something that has claws and teeth, though, maybe you want a thick leather jacket or something for protection. If it's a bird of prey, there's a glove for that. If it's poisonous, make sure it can't bite/sting/spray you. Et cetera.
~Neshomeh, of a practical bent.
