Subject: Re: Critique my work! (Also pimping, but still)
Author:
Posted on: 2013-10-13 19:52:00 UTC
How mean do you want me to be?
No, just kidding.
*coughs*
Now, to get serious here...
As a fellow "steampunk" (most of the time) writer, I applaud you for your effort to write. However, I did find some errors/points that should be edited.
1. The idea in general is very interesting - however, your summary is a little too cheerful for the idea in my opinion. It should reflect the idea, main points, and feel of the piece of writing.
2. The first paragraph is a mix of run-on sentences and confusing sentences. For example, in the first paragraph, you wrote "Two men were patrolling on the beat...saw an interestingly bad stream...interestingly white cloud...heard the maker...went into action." (I didn't write the whole sentence down, my apologies.) "Interestingly bad stream" does not make sense to the reader. What stream? Why is it bad?
Also, the whole sentence is what I dub a "info dump". Too much information will confuse a reader, and (in worst cases) get them to stop reading altogether. Since the first sentence is the most important, I would advise you to find a way to make it more cohesive and not give too much information at once. (I would split it into two sentences.)
3. Many of your sentences are info dumps. Edit them. I won't get into much detail here, because I want you to fix them.
4. Many of your sentences are also run-on sentences. (Usually, info dumps and run-on sentences go hand in hand.) If you fix your info dump problem, I think the run-on sentences will go away. Remember, periods (.) are your new best friend.
*Looks at writing done*
Geez! I wrote a lot! Sorry for bothering you with this long post.
~Green Armada