Subject: I should proof read more.
Author:
Posted on: 2013-10-13 23:39:00 UTC
Huh, I could've sworn I got rid of the 500 words worth of exposition. Ah well, live and learn.
Speaking of live and learn, the rest of your criticism here is mostly SPaG mistakes, which will only smooth out and I continue to write.
But thanks for the tips, mang. Now if only you actually pointed out to me what was wrong. D:
Either way, thanks for the tips.
http://www.fictionpress.com/s/3158837/1/SnowFall
So, I've decided to publish some of my work in an attempt to better myself at writing in general. With that idea in mind, I decided to tackle one of my most favourite genres, Steampunk, but with a twist of my own. Please, don't be shy and give me as much critique as you could! I'm willing to listen to criticism to become a better writer.
Summary: Anne Luft is a young adult of an alternate 1845 Germany and her life begins to take on a whole new turn when the death of her father triggers the discovery of a conspiracy that could endanger all of Europe itself! Follow her in her journey to uncover the mysteries of the Snow Fall.
How mean do you want me to be?
No, just kidding.
*coughs*
Now, to get serious here...
As a fellow "steampunk" (most of the time) writer, I applaud you for your effort to write. However, I did find some errors/points that should be edited.
1. The idea in general is very interesting - however, your summary is a little too cheerful for the idea in my opinion. It should reflect the idea, main points, and feel of the piece of writing.
2. The first paragraph is a mix of run-on sentences and confusing sentences. For example, in the first paragraph, you wrote "Two men were patrolling on the beat...saw an interestingly bad stream...interestingly white cloud...heard the maker...went into action." (I didn't write the whole sentence down, my apologies.) "Interestingly bad stream" does not make sense to the reader. What stream? Why is it bad?
Also, the whole sentence is what I dub a "info dump". Too much information will confuse a reader, and (in worst cases) get them to stop reading altogether. Since the first sentence is the most important, I would advise you to find a way to make it more cohesive and not give too much information at once. (I would split it into two sentences.)
3. Many of your sentences are info dumps. Edit them. I won't get into much detail here, because I want you to fix them.
4. Many of your sentences are also run-on sentences. (Usually, info dumps and run-on sentences go hand in hand.) If you fix your info dump problem, I think the run-on sentences will go away. Remember, periods (.) are your new best friend.
*Looks at writing done*
Geez! I wrote a lot! Sorry for bothering you with this long post.
~Green Armada
Huh, I could've sworn I got rid of the 500 words worth of exposition. Ah well, live and learn.
Speaking of live and learn, the rest of your criticism here is mostly SPaG mistakes, which will only smooth out and I continue to write.
But thanks for the tips, mang. Now if only you actually pointed out to me what was wrong. D:
Either way, thanks for the tips.