Subject: Do you mind if I comment on the bits you didn't?
Author:
Posted on: 2015-08-02 21:25:00 UTC

Since we don't want STT fixing the SPG to fail on other counts, and all...

PPC knowledge looks fine, though I wonder why Elliot and Thingy were so ready to offer Mare a place in their RC - wouldn't the Marquis have something to say about that?

Anyway, actual writing. What I did was to delete the profiles unread. To my mind, the profiles are there to catch the 'when on missions she grows laser cannons out of her arms and blows up small children' things; I shouldn't have to read them to get to know your characters.

But... well, this is what I wrote down in my notes on the three agents' personalities:

Mare

Excitable/skitty
Except when not
-too many adjectives, srsly

Coriander

More eager than he looks
Socially awkward
Snarky

El

Grumpy
Yes, yes, 'haughtily'


There's... not a lot there, and some of it is very inconsistent. Elwhatsit suffers the most: she can be summed up entirely in the word 'haughty'. Mare is close to being just 'excitable', except that she does her 'no you can't come in' thing to El for some reason (why not 'eee! newbie!'? That's what the story that far would suggest she'd do), and snarks at her in the second story.

And then there's Coriander, who... is introduced as being eager but hiding it (by standing by the door), turns out to be socially awkward, then descends into snark to El despite showing no previous signs of it. I've no idea who he's supposed to be.

Then there's my other comments: adjectives and adverbs. These should be used sparingly, but you've chucked them after practically every dialogue tag. To pluck an entirely random example:

“I don’t know,” Mare replied unhelpfully

I think we could tell that was unhelpful. ^^

... and I've just gone back and looked at the profiles. My only response is, "Who?" Eldrich is a vengeance demon who maliciously grants wishes and tends to melodrama? I had her down as a member of the nobility. Coriander respects Mare and is very wise and slightly alien? I was getting 'awkward geek'. Mare is a Slytherin? Really? I could see her as any of the others (Gryf or Huff for the bounciness, Ravenclaw for the snark against El), but Slytherin?

The characters in the profiles are not the characters in the stories. I think, before you try for Permission again, you need to get a handle on who these people are, not just their species and RC number.

hS

(PS: Though on the flip side, I didn't flag your punctuation as too bad at all. ^
^ Different PGs, different hangups...)

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