Subject: Thank you.
Author:
Posted on: 2015-07-02 04:19:00 UTC
As for the Portal song, perhaps the "cara mia" was supposed to be in Italian, not Latin. Otherwise, they got it wrong.
As for Kala, it looks like I learned a new turn-of-phrase. Perhaps it's not that familiar where I live...
First: the mission.
Of Guilty Pleasures and Utter Tripe (note: mildly NSFW)
Agents: Valon Vance, Kala Jeng, Dawn McKenna, Kozar, the Reader (not in the mission proper)
Continua: Twilight and the Inheritance Cycle
Fic: Legend of the Night Angel
New concepts: Liminal moon-madness
Four agents tackle a crossover between two of the worst works defended by the PPC.
Second: A Ten Years Hence story, featuring the resultant dragon from the rescued egg in the mission!
Seren the Dragon Rider
Characters: Seren, Ruth, Davey, Elanor, Owain, Leyuu, Valon, Kala
We hope you enjoy these stories!
~DF, Voyd
Sorry it took so long to get to this. 'S been crazy busy here.
I have to admit, I couldn't really get into this mission all that much. Part of the problem for me was the interactions between the various agents. It all felt very lackluster apart from the flirting between Valon and Kala. I thought that was all right, if a bit out of place. I had to roll my eyes at the "overreacting agent" trope again.
Also, there were quite a few gags that just sort of fell flat. The physical jokes in particular (like Valon pulling things out of his pockets) didn't work. I understand that humor is a subjective topic, but I think it can be argued that prop comedy does not necessarily translate all that well to the written medium.
A few last questions/concerns regarding the main mission:
— Was it ever explained why there was no first-person dummy and they didn't get possessed, or did I miss that part?
— Were povs as creatures first introduced in this mission? I can't find any mention of them on the wiki.
— The first mini that showed up (the sparklewolf) was never named in text, that I saw. It's advisable to always state their name in the mission itself.
— Why did they use Retcon and not a neuralyzer? Retcon is more easily undone, if I understand it correctly.
Now, on to the dragon interlude. It was charming enough, but as Tira said, it was confusing given that it wasn't explained who the kids were. Having wiki entries is fine and all, but a good story should give you all the information you need inside itself.
All in all, I'd say these stories need work. They just feel really rough to me. Other people have obviously differed, so make of my thoughts what you will.
PC
Though I (thankfully) never read Twilight, and only have a passing knowledge of Eragon thanks to the movie, the mission wasn't totally incomprehensible. This was pretty well-written.
But, of course, I've spotted a few errors.
First off, a Latin error:
Oh, and ‘carus unus’ is completely the wrong way to say ‘dear one’ or ‘my dear,’ she should probably be calling Bella ‘cara mia’.
You're off by one letter. The word for "my," declined to feminine vocative singular, is mea.
Mia is a Latin word, but it's actually a verb in the imperative singular, and I'm pretty sure that its meaning is not the concept you're looking for.
The remaining issues are in the English:
1) The disguised girtablilu set to shredding Valon’s shirt with a will,
Please explain what you're trying to say here. I don't get it.
2) Since you’re the Disentangler, and all.
This error is minor, but I'd suggest deleting the comma.
With the Latin, I was going with the Portal song, which refers to the subject as "cara mia." I'll change it if it's incorrect, though.
As for the thing with Kala, to "set to (activity) with a will" is to do something with a lot of energy. Kala's pretty much lost to the moon at that point; literally all of her thoughts are "Love Valon, warm Valon, join with Valon Valon Valon Valon Valon Valon Valon Valon Valon."
As for the Portal song, perhaps the "cara mia" was supposed to be in Italian, not Latin. Otherwise, they got it wrong.
As for Kala, it looks like I learned a new turn-of-phrase. Perhaps it's not that familiar where I live...
The mission was pretty good. I like the advancement of Valon and Kala's relationship, and Kozar is very funny. I didn't think Bella could be even more of a Sue, but obviously I was wrong.
I found the Ten Years Hence story to be overly confusing, personally. I'm not familiar with the majority of the characters, and the wiki isn't helping me figure out who they are.
Seren and Owain now have pages, which link to just about everything else and should give at least some idea of who they are. Ruby and Davey will be listed in the Glossary (with a line of explanation) once I get a chance; for now, though, Ruby is somewhat explained on Seren and Owain's pages and Davey is a rescued kid!Doctor replacement.
~DF
It helps the story make more sense knowing who the people involved are. Ruth is very cute.
Ruth is new, of course, but of the remaining seven characters, three are mine, and out of those only Seren and Owain have so far appeared in anything on or linked to the Board--the first Purim RP* (I don't think they made it into the second). I didn't even quite realize I could make pages for them until it was already pretty late my time, so I've left it for the morning. I'll link them here once I've made them--probably within the next few hours. Sorry about that.
The thing about Bella, of course, is that SMeyer--oddly enough--didn't go as overboard with her powers as she could have. That is to say, even as a vampire she didn't get multiple powers--just one heavily lauded one. She's a different type of Sue in canon than she was in this fic, which...yeah, makes this one stand out. At least SMeyer didn't hit all the Sue cliches; "Legend of the Night Angel" managed to hit a whole bunch more, and even swap some out for each other. And I still don't get why Zack Night had that weird blue swirl in his eyes--he's not a 'hybrid', but this Bella also had one--oh, right. Logic. Doesn't work. I will stop.
And that makes another person who likes Kozar. Huh. I like him well enough myself, but I hadn't expected even this much favorable response to him. It's interesting.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
~DF
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*Link goes to their appearance, not the beginning of the RP. That can be found here (for the beginning of the segment they appeared in), and here (for the beginning of the Purim RP itself).