Subject: My terrible pick-up lines.
Author:
Posted on: 2013-02-14 08:25:00 UTC
I can't write romantic (let alone parody!romance) stuff for squat, but here goes:
-- You're cuter than a CAF.
-- Even Luxury doesn't have anything on you.
-- Is that a bottle of Bleepka in your coat, or are you just happy to see me?
-- Drinks are on me.
On this day of extreme fluff (Valentine's Day, yeah?), I felt it would be fitting to come up with cheesy Valentine-y PPC-themed pick-up lines!
Lemme start with:
Is that Aura of Smooth, or am I actually falling in love with you?
Carrying on with the Agents'-pick-up-lines theme, here are mine.
The Fisherman:
+ "What with the whole time-travel thing, we can have an infinite number of Valentine's Days. So, fancy trying out a few of them, see which one you like best. I've heard good things about 1994..."
+ "What's all this about roses being red? Not all of them are. And surely violets would be, I dunno, violet? What's all that got to do with love anyway, is the colour of flowers relevant..."
Evie:
+ "So you think you love me? You do realise that's just a series of biological instincts that encourage continuation of your species, right? Is your species worth continuing?"
+ "I read some research which found that 'being in love can lead to disrupted thought patterns, personality changes, euphoria and in rare cases depression'. Fancy trying to replicate the results?"
These are hilarious! Quite honestly, though, I can't think of any myself. But I was thinking, sometime we should do PPC-themed insults.
That...sounds pretty awesome, actually.
~DF
I'll give this a shot. Warning: my agents are not stable people.
Elms
- "Hey, Valentine, I'll show you my Charisma bonus if you show me yours."
Jenni
- "You're number one in my appointment book, Valentine."
- "Am I psychic, Valentine? I must be, because I've been in your thoughts all day. ... No, wait, that's wrong...."
Derik
- "How far do the scars go? For you, Valentine, all the way."
- "Be my Valentine, and they'll hear our 'Music of the Night' all the way down in the DAVD."
- "What do you mean, 'is that the hammer'? Haven't you ever seen a twenty-pound sledgehammer before?"
Gall
- "I'm holding a torch for you, Valentine. And by 'holding a torch' I mean 'I just burned down that village over there with my dragon.' For you!"
- "Blah blah, some flowers and junk, blah blah blah. Wanna get wasted and do stuff we won't remember tomorrow?"
Ilraen
- <These roses are red, I am blue. This is how human courtship works, right? I have been studying, but your rituals are so complicated.>
And finally, the curmudgeon you've all been waiting for:
Nume
- "Roses are red, Thranduil is an elf. You'll get nowhere with me, so go frell yourself."
~Neshomeh, who apologizes for any mental scarring that might have taken place here.
But - *laughs hysterically*
Ilraen is so adorably clueless, as usual, and Nume is, well, Nume. His is my favorite, actually, mostly because it fits the traditional format while being so completely him - as in, "I don't want to see it, I don't want to know about it, I hate this holiday because it's everywhere!" *gulps down Bleepka, acts like a complete party pooper*
Did I ever mention I've really enjoyed his missions? "Ring Child" might be one of my favorite PPC missions ever, just because the interaction between Suicide and Nume was by turns funny and meaningful, seeing as they have totally different views on life - Nume having an eidetic memory and therefore being choosy about his experiences, and Suicide trying to live up to his name. Also a bit of the classic brains vs. brawn, especially when Nume dislocated his wrist punching Suicide. (I'm so on Nume's side...Nerds for the win!) I do believe Nume came out on top - I mean, he "looked death in the face and quoted canon at it"! That takes a significant amount of awesome.
Enough fangirly gushing...thank you for making me laugh!
Wow, I'm really glad that I got interested by that description and went to find the mission. I remember that badfic! I heard about it through Deleterius. It was awful! I don't think I got through more than a few chapters of it. I even wrote a review (concrit, don't worry) asking about some things and pointing out others. Not sure I ever got a reply. Wow. This should be fun! Thanks for bringing it up, Hermione!
~DF
Tungsten Monk and I had a lot of fun playing nerd!Nume and jock!Su off each other. It's nice to know that comes through. ^^ Don't be too hard on Su, though. Different approaches aren't necessarily bad approaches, after all, even if they aren't compatible all at once. Plus, they were both being jerks to each other.
You're welcome!
~Neshomeh, who is not at all averse to fangirly gushing of this insightful quality. ^~
The thing with Suicide is that I know I'd hate him if I met him in real life, but as a character I think he's interesting. His missions are some of my favorites too. (If Tungsten Monk ever returns, I'll probably give her equally gushy feedback.) If I met Nume in real life…well, right or wrong, I tend to categorize people who share my fandoms as my friends. I bet he'd hate that - though, would he really mind discussing Star Trek?
Yeah, I don't think I'd hang out with Suicide in real life, either. He is a great character, though.
As for Nume... well, he'd be quite perplexed to learn that he has fans, for starters. He might be open to correspondence, maybe even allowing you to work your way up to the odd cup of coffee now and then if you proved yourself to be sane and not prone to getting into his personal business and/or space. Maybe. But that's the crucial thing: he has been known to just about get along with people who don't mind personal boundaries on the level of Fort Knox.
{= )
~Neshomeh
I think Nume might just manage to not-quite hate me, because if he made those personal boundaries clear I wouldn't push them. At least I don't think so. I don't much like to get involved in people's personal business, let alone space. We'll have to see how he interacts with Agent Tanya Verde (my self-insert) when we co-write.
On a sort-of related note, I've seen the new picture of Nume on his page. Did you draw that? Because it is really well done. My art skills are nearly non-existant, so when someone can do shading and shadows, I'm impressed. Not to mention that his shirt is done in shades of purple and blue, my two favorite colors. And the Starfleet mug is a nice touch. Bet he's reading Lord of the Rings, since that and Star Trek are his two primary fandoms. (He's a TOS fan, Spock is his favorite character, but he thinks Picard is the best captain and is at least familiar with Voyager, since he showed it to Ilraen during the macrovirus epidemic. Did I get that right?)
I think I'm rambling. Stop being awesome, Nume! :)
"Hey, is that a neuralyzer in your pocket, or are you just glad to—"
*FLASH*
"Hey, is that a neuralyzer in your pocket, or are you just glad to—"
*FLASH*
"Hey, is that a neuralyzer in your pocket, or are you just glad to—"
*FLASH*
Repeat ad infinitum.
~Neshomeh
Kindheart: As your doctor, I recommend staying away from any combination of clouds, rainbows, and pegasi. I happen to have none of those in my RC. Be my very special somepony?
Cepha: I'd make a contract for you, Valentine!
/will try and think of more later.
All do one for each of my agents, then.
Kestrel: I'd slit the throats o' yore enemies an' make bouquets wiv their bones just t'make yer smile an' laugh, Valentine!
Caleb: So the great thing about disguise generators is that now I don't have to give you the tedious I'm-a-vampire-and-my-super-strength-might-kill-you lecture. So. Bowling?
Jack: Hi! If I promise not to pounce on you and scoop out your organs, will you stop screaming and be my Valentine?
Adder: Being around you makes me less likely to lose my mind and murder everything. Hugs and kisses!
Deuce: You're actually a really beautiful person and watching gruesome badly-written rule 64 is less horrific when you're suffering with me. So I guess if you could be my Valentine, that would be nice.
Wow that last one got surprisingly sincere.
These are hilarious!
All I got right now is:
"I'd let you portal into my heart anytime."
*bows* Thank you, thank you, why yes... I am a dork! XD
"Portal to Your Heart" was the smash hit of the Powerful Plover Collaborative back in the 2011 Shipfic Fest. So...there might actually be a pop song to back up your pick-up line.
-Phobos, musical genius
And my line suddenly looks far more clever than I would have given it credit for. XD
Agent Barid:
"An' dose are just my tusks."
"Dey say, once ya go blue, ya neva go...um...rhymin's hard. Let's go back ta my place."
Decima:
"Wanna know why they call it the Goblet of Fire?"
"You and me? Magic."
"Interested in a little bad slash?"
"Could you help me try out a new binding spell?"
Voltarmi:
"Come back to my place and we'll get sand in places you never knew you had."
"I can see the future. We're gonna have a really good time."
"Did I mention I'm a shape-shifter?"
General PPC:
"Wanna come back to my place and annoy my partner?"
"Hey, baby. Let's go have some fun with the disguise generator."
Agent Brightbeard:
"For the last time, Agent Luxury, I have taken a vow of celibacy. Please leave me alone."
But I have to ask...was there a specific line that earned the cackling?
-Phobos
To be fair, they were all pretty darn hilarious, but it was mostly:
-Dey say, once ya go blue, ya neva go...um...rhymin's hard. Let's go back ta my place.
-Come back to my place and we'll get sand in places you never knew you had.
and:
-For the last time, Agent Luxury, I have taken a vow of celibacy. Please leave me alone.
...In fact, it was almost exclusively the last one. Bahaha.
As for my reaction to this whole thing, it went something along the lines of "Oh my *Gog* this is *awesome*!" (Not to mention hilarious. Well done, everyone!)
('Gog' is from Gerald Morris' The Squire's Tales series, and is not a misspelling--or rather, it's an intentional one that I've taken from one of my favorite book series)
Not sure I can add anything to all this, but it's been very enjoyable to read :) (Especially the Aura of Smooth one. That's what made me keep reading)
~DF
Well, okay, let's see how many corny pickup lines I can think up here. Hmm...
-Baby, you're so hot I'm surprised you don't have Sues fighting over you!
-Getting lost in HQ is nothing like getting lost in your eyes!
-You know how the parakeet on the DI's flash patch died? It took one look at you and had a heart attack!
-I feel like you know me so well - are you with the DoI?
-Baby, when you're around I don't need Bleeprin. I just look in your eyes and everything's okay.
-Baby, you shine brighter than any Sue color!
-Every time you walk by, my console goes off. I guess even it knows you're 'bad'!
-Are you from DoGA? 'Cause baby, you set my heart on fire!
-I need to call the DCPS, 'cause my heart needs protecting from you!
...So this is why I'm still single...
So Im'ma jump on the wagon or however that phrase goes!
Caroline:
-scuffs ground with foot- "So, uhm, I heard you liked to read. And I like reading, so we should, uh, have like a study date or something." -blushes, flees the scene-
"Uhm, I lost my teddy bear, so can I use you instead?" -blushes, tries to make herself look as small as possible-
"C'mon back to my RC and I'll show you some real spice!" -winks clumsily-
Veralyn:
"You wanna see the rest of my scars?"
"Take a picture; it might last longer."
"Oh my, I didn't realize there was another agent here with a dragonhawk..."
"You know, I normally only bed members of my own race... but I might be tempted to make an exception."
Fiona:
"Hee, you're cute. Let's go aggravate Gilly-gins a bit!"
Gilbert:
-presents you with a rose, turns on heel, walks away-
"Sorry, I'm busy. For the rest of my life, actually."
"Baby, you're so hott you deserve the extra 'T'!"
-is immediately bricked for promoting bad spelling-
Here's why I will never have a girlfriend - and why I've already made peace with this fact:
I need to check in with FicPsych - I'm just so mad about you!
I found another use for glitter - raining it down like rose petals on you!
Call the DMS - you're glowing with my affection!
Not even the S.O. is as sunny as you.
I just got back from the DoI. They tell me you're a keeper.
For once, urple doesn't hurt me - because you're wearing it!
Oh, sorry, I'm in the wrong department. I didn't realize this was Star-Crossovers!
Say, did you just come back from Floaters? Because you are KILLING ME with those eyes.
Bang your head against a wall- else you'll get lost in the hallways of my mind!
So, what fandom did you come from? The BOMBSHELL fandom?
You're so hot, I'm amazed you haven't been mistaken for a sue!
Seriously, Star-Crossovers? Really?
(…but they were funny, sorta.)
I'm already at a dead-end with my potential love life, what do I care if my pick up lines suck? XD
Show of hands - who's going to be at the store tomorrow to get candy in droves for fifty percent off?
Best deal ever.
My afternoon clerk just quit with no notice. If the office can scrounge up a substitute, I'll swing past the store; if I'm working 11 1/2 hours straight, I'm headed straight home. I've still got Thin Mints in the freezer from last year's cookie sales, I'm covered for chocolate.
What? Haven't got much better to do, in any case...
Your eyes are like the corridors of HQ; I keep getting lost in them.
I can't write romantic (let alone parody!romance) stuff for squat, but here goes:
-- You're cuter than a CAF.
-- Even Luxury doesn't have anything on you.
-- Is that a bottle of Bleepka in your coat, or are you just happy to see me?
-- Drinks are on me.
Did you just come from a mission? Because baby your sparkling.
And a dumb love poem:
The Rosa runs Intel,
And the Violet talks too,
You may not be perfect,
But that's why I love you.