Subject: Some other bits:
Author:
Posted on: 2015-06-16 12:18:00 UTC
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Adea Luthrenqor, AKA Mary Sue,
Should this be Aeda?
(Which might be a reference to German car manufacturer Audi, they of the four rings and one extremely weird slogan. My ability to understand Suvian logic is somewhat limited. =])
Other than that, I can't think of anything else. Great job! =]
Yes, I actually manage to finish stuff, from time to time. Lots of thanks to both Iximaz - for her prodding, won't have made it without her - and my wonderful betas.
Look at this: Amris and Navare show that Sues have Very Little Gravitas Indeed.
Glad to see those newbies Ari trained branching out. :)
Couple minor things...
"as you keep remind me"
Reminding.
"the Sue's all Stoic, but it still makes Subaru adore her."
Stoic isn't usually capitalized when it's referring to someone's personality/actions.
"With that, it shut itself down, smoke rising from its screen."
Um...don't CADs only shut themselves down/blow up when examining a truly terribad Sue/replacement/fic? This Sue seemed average by our standards. *shrugs*
"apart from more idiocy from Subaru..."
You've established earlier that Subaru isn't stupid like the Sue makes her out to be. Maybe you should indicate Subaru's OOC? *shrugs*
The grey-haired human looked at his brown-and-white TSAB Ground Armaments Service, disgust plain on his face.
I don’t know the Nanohaverse, so it may be possible that the disguised drone can look at its qualified-by-many-words "Service", but I get the impression that a word, like "uniform", may be missing there.
And apparently Navare’s CAD has a spelling problem ("StrikeS" or "StrikerS"?):
[Subaru Nakajima. Type 0 Combat Cyborg female. Magical Girl Lyrical Nanoha StrikeS canon: protagonist. OOC 25%. Suggested action: removal of the Suefluencing Mary Sue.]
[Chrysae. Mary Sue. Magical Girl Lyrical Nanoha StrikerS canon: OC. OOC: N/A. Suggested action: destruction.]
HG
Point of order, though; the Sue being called "Chrysae" doesn't actually break the setting's theme naming. Chrysler is an American car manufacturer, and a fairly famous one at that. So, er, yeah.
Doesn't count. The name must be directly from a car - Fate Testarossa for the Ferrari Testarossa, Signum from the Opel Signum, and so forth. Derivations don't count.
Although, now that I think of it, there are a few characters without car-related names (Nanoha herself, Sieglinde Jeremiah, for example.) Sorry for not pointing that out, Des.
But the main character's name is "SUBARU". Which is a company, and not a car.
It's still a car name. She's not called Subrae or something, she is called Subaru, which is the unmodified name. It is a car-related name, so it counts.
When I went looking for the car behind Nanoha's name. I figure that some of them are Triangle Hearts characters, ie, from before the theme naming, but Iunno about people like Sieglinde. Maybe ViVid's writers didn't conform to the theme.
*shrugs*
But all the other new characters in ViVid fit! Maybe it's something to do with the confusion regarding Sieg's last name, the way that the Yuuno=Eunos happened?
Bottom of page 8:-
Adea Luthrenqor, AKA Mary Sue,
Should this be Aeda?
(Which might be a reference to German car manufacturer Audi, they of the four rings and one extremely weird slogan. My ability to understand Suvian logic is somewhat limited. =])
Other than that, I can't think of anything else. Great job! =]
And, BTW, they do break the theme naming - all characters in MGLN aside from a couple that are leftovers from its progenitor, Triangle Hearts, are either directly named after cars (Subaru, obvs, the Ferrari Testarossa, etc) or after Japanese pronunciation of said cars (Yuuno is named after the Mazda Eunos). Neither 'Chrysae' nor 'Aeda' fit either. A better approximation would have been 'Kuraisa' for the former and 'Awodi' for the latter.
Also caught the typo, thanks.
I did not see that story coming. I'm liking it since I'm seeing all your works in progress.
Also, I've always wondered why people get too fancy in describing characters in fanfics. Isn't small descriptions like "Brown, flow hair" or "piecing green eyes" not enough?