Subject: I'd probably rephrase:
Author:
Posted on: 2015-06-12 17:12:00 UTC
... as her out-of-whack time-sense hit her with a wave of nausea.
Simpler all round.
hS
-
Oh hey look another mission. by
on 2015-06-11 00:48:00 UTC
Reply
My first stint into the Avatarverse, sweet! I present to you: "Avatar According to Sue".
-
*Sigh* Why me again? by
on 2015-06-12 09:44:00 UTC
Reply
Are you leaving these Easter eggs intentionally because you realized that I may not comment if I don’t find at least one? And everybody else ignores them, because they know that they are for me? Is this a conspiracy?
The Sue begged for him to take him along, and after only minimal argument, he agreed.
You probably meant "to take her along".
She already was, biting back a screech of indignation when the canons started asking the Sue if they could tell them about the future in store for them.
Don’t we know the Sue’s gender? You probably meant "if she could tell".
Also, I had a weird experience with this sentence:
Rina pressed her face into the snow as a wave of out-of-whack time sense-induced nausea hit her.
The apparent necessity to emphasize the time sense induced nausea’s sense-induced nature by connecting these two words with a hyphen forced me to think about it and to look back to remember what sense we are talking about. Apparently it is the time-sense that is out of whack – no, wait, is it the out-of-whack time that – ah, what did it do again?
It is impossible to forget what I read and do a real comparison getting the same information for the first time from another version of this sentence, but I feel like "time sense induced nausea" wouldn’t have made me trip and stall like this. Of course this may be a not-being-a-native-reader thing, and other readers may see it differently.
Huh, a lot of words for such a tiny thing like a hyphen.
HG -
Alright, fixed. Thank you! (nm) by
on 2015-06-13 16:04:00 UTC
Reply
-
*shifty eyes* Uh, no, not at all. by
on 2015-06-13 01:32:00 UTC
Reply
Thank you for the catches and the suggestion; I'll fix that up tomorrow (stuck on mobile at the moment).
*bows* Truly, you are a wonderful practitioner of Beytah. -
This hyphen thing... by
on 2015-06-12 22:16:00 UTC
Reply
"Time sense" is two words referring to a single concept; thus, if you make a compound word using it, you put a hyphen between the connected words and an n dash between that and the other half of the compound (time-sense–induced). Except possibly if you're British.
If you are British (hS), you do this: "time-sense induced". I think the British prefer to use as few hyphens as possible.
Admittedly these are broad generalisations – different institutions have different house styles – but HG is right; as it stands, what's there is confusing. -
I'd probably rephrase: by
on 2015-06-12 17:12:00 UTC
Reply
... as her out-of-whack time-sense hit her with a wave of nausea.
Simpler all round.
hS -
Great job! by
on 2015-06-11 13:58:00 UTC
Reply
My favorite bits have to be the creeper joke, the seals (just... seals), the povs (I want one!), and of course, the Reality Room execution by frostbite.
However, uh... The agents ducked behind some bushes, watching the Sue pick berries and talking to herself about how she shouldn’t get involved in Sokka’s love life.
I believe that for the sake of parallelism, that should be "watching the Sue pick berries and talk to herself". -
Ah, good catch, thanks. by
on 2015-06-11 16:38:00 UTC
Reply
And all povs are up for adoption if anyone wants one!
-
Okay... yhm... *concentrates on reading* by
on 2015-06-11 09:38:00 UTC
Reply
.
.
THE SEAL JOKE! Hahaha! Oh, I love you so much... (Although I'd imagine Zeb would make seal-Pokemon reference: Spheal, Dewgong, etc.)
.
.
Yay~! I love the Reality Room punishments! They're so fun :3
.
.
And a drink after a job well done! Nice :D -
*D'awws at the pov* Great mission there! :D (nm) by
on 2015-06-11 01:54:00 UTC
Reply
-
snrf by
on 2015-06-11 01:12:00 UTC
Reply
snrf
*waddle waddle waddle*
snrfsnrf
*scritch*
...
*contented yawn*
snrf
*falls asleep* -
*Coos at* ^.^ Who'sa cutie pov, yes you are... (nm) by
on 2015-06-11 16:36:00 UTC
Reply