Subject: Well...
Author:
Posted on: 2015-05-20 22:56:00 UTC
There's something about the way that Kala thinks, during her narration, about Valon, especially right after he became Valerie.
If you were to change it, try having Valon not change (the fic itself was pretty short and having Valon become Valerie outshone the mission in some scenes) or having both Kala and Valerie change.
RC 211 Mission 7: Of Slashy Stus
Continuum: Harry Potter
This will probably be the last Valon and Kala mission for a while. After all, I still need to work with Gabby and Chakkik!
How do you keep finding these weird fics, man?
He was also drugged to make him him feel hot and bothered...
Apparently you couldn’t decide whether to quote "him" from the badfic or make it part of the narration; and in the end you got it twice.
... and with disgusting my partner and I...
While "my partner and I are disgusted" would be correct, I believe that the passive voice should be "disgusting my partner and me". You wouldn’t say, "You disgust I", right?
I would like to say something encouragingly positive about the mission, but I don’t have the time. There’s work couching on my desktop, and it glares at me.
HG
What a fun mission. I am less familiar with Valon and Kala than I am Gabby and Chakkik but I definitely like them as agents.
The mission was well paced and exciting. I'm unsure about how I feel about how Valon genderbending. The handling of that character could have been better...
Otherwise, a worth while fic!
Dangit, I ran through four betas trying to get Valerie right...
If I were to improve this, how would you suggest going about it?
There's something about the way that Kala thinks, during her narration, about Valon, especially right after he became Valerie.
If you were to change it, try having Valon not change (the fic itself was pretty short and having Valon become Valerie outshone the mission in some scenes) or having both Kala and Valerie change.
Blame my betas for that one. There was no "uh" previously. Honestly, I feel like that shouldn't be there, but I tend to go with my betas' suggestions. They're typically better writers than I am, after all!
That's what bothered me. I guess you should go with your gut next time. Or maybe find a fifth beta, though I don't doubt that the four you already have aren't excellent judging by the rest of the piece.
I would have stopped at two, but Darkotas said that I needed a girl's perspective. And then I got two more because ALL THE SECOND OPINIONS!