... so let's see what the major parties have to say for themselves.
(Arbitrarily listed in order of their popularity on the last poll in my constituency)
The Conservative Party
"Sell everything! We've already sold the Royal Mail and the National Health Service... can we sell some more schools to corporations next? Ooh! Could we sell workers to their employers?" - David Cameron, in a policy planning meeting.
The Labour Party
"What if, right, you'll like this, what if we take all the crazy that the other parties are spewing, water it down slightly, and make that our ideology? Eh? Eh? Whaddaya think?" - Ed Milliband, on the phone to Ed Balls.
The UK Independence Party
"If UKIP is elected, taking the UK out of Europe will only be the first step. By the end of my term, I plan for the British race to stand tall and proud in its new home: the planet Venus." - Nigel Farage, campaign speech.
The Liberal Democrats
"But I don't understand why we're doing so badly in the polls! All we did was ally with our ideological enemies, spit all over our voters, and shoot ourselves in the literal foot with an actual gun! It's just not fair!" - Nick Clegg, campaign speech.
The Green Party
"What about... could we stand trees as candidates? That would make a statement, wouldn't it? Just think: 'VOTE... TREES'. How about it?" - Natalie Bennett, campaign planning meeting.
Scottish National Party
"So today we, the people of Scotland, want to send a message to the rest of Britain: independence for Scotland! To hell wi' the rest of you!" - Nicola Sturgeon, campaign speech.
(Plaid Cymru (the Welsh national party) and the Northern Irish parties are not included in this discussion. They'll probably object to that, to which I say: ought to be more interesting, then, didn't you? Ha!)
(Can you tell I'm not terribly impressed with the choices this time around? Also, no, sadly the SNP aren't standing candidates in England.)
Right now, the polls are close enough that it looks like no one party will take a majority. With that in mind, let's run through the possibile governments the UK could have for the next five years, in rough order of likelihood.
1/ Labour minority government, with SNP support. Will probably result in another Scottish independence referendum. Still, overall it's the best option going, since the SNP is the most left-wing party we've got (and, for the record, are currently looking to be the third-largest party, after the Conservatives and Labour).
2/ Conservative/Lib Dem coalition. A continuation of what we've currently got, though probably as a minority coalition. Not keen on this.
3/ SNP government. Sure, they're the third party, but if the two largest refuse to form a government,
someone has to. This would be hilarious and I desperately wish it would happen. Nicola Sturgeon for Prime Minister!
4/ National government, AKA Conservative/Labour coalition. Hey, it worked for Churchill!
5/ Simultaneous meteor strike against all candidates, resulting in a second election. Look, it could happen!
6/ The Queen gets so ticked off with the whole thing that she reasserts her traditional rights, seizing power for herself. We probably go on to declare war on France 'just because'.
7/ UKIP/Green coalition. This government would have the goal of getting the UK
out of the EU and
into a forest.
8/ SNP/Sinn Fein/Plaid Cymru/UKIP/Mebyon Kernow/Wessex Regionalist/Yorkshire First coalition. AKA 'the Coalition for Independence from Everything'. After five years, the formerly-United Kingdom would be a patchwork of city states.
9/A sane government which actually puts the people of Britain and the world first. Pffffffft yeahright.
hS
(PS: I'm trusting here that the PPC is capable of having a reasonable conversation about even a hot-button issue such as this. Please don't prove me wrong, guys. ~hS)
