Subject: DonÂ’t panic. No nitpicking here.
Author:
Posted on: 2015-04-12 10:53:00 UTC
I’m just dropping in to show that I don’t ignore you. I know nothing about this continuum, but I did get an impression of what’s wrong with this fic.
HG
So anyway, here is my lastest missioMOTERO!
Kouroki, could you stop interrupting mMOTERO MOTE MO!
Anyway, the continuum is Watashi ga Motenai no wa Dou Kangaetemo Omaera ga Warui.
Warning: There's a rather disturbing murder scene from the fic that I had to include, mostly for the agents' reactions. You have been warned.
I’m just dropping in to show that I don’t ignore you. I know nothing about this continuum, but I did get an impression of what’s wrong with this fic.
HG
I've seen several fics (mostly on Quotev) that advertise yandere versions of more-or-less stable canon characters, frequently targeting a reader-insert. Why would anyone want to be in that situation? It's not even like Twilight, where the creepy behavior is unacknowledged as such. Maybe I'm a hypocrite, since Yuno Gasai is one of my favorite characters, but it's not like I want to be Yukki, either.
On topic, you did a good job with this mission - I managed to follow it fine despite having no experience with the canon. One thing you might want to do is mention that Tomoko and Mokocchi are the same person, as it took me a little bit to catch on to that.