Subject: It was a Gundam...
Author:
Posted on: 2015-03-25 02:56:00 UTC
And, in the semi-canon place where it exists, it no longer exists thanks to an overenthusiastic Pacific Rim sue. Sorry about that.
(This whole side of PPC continuity is to be taken with a grain of salt, two shots of bleepka, and eight ounces of pineapple juice. Shake, do not stir, and please keep in mind that the whole thing is for comedic effect.)
My next DIC mission is going to take place in the Godzilla continuum, with the crossover being a Sonic replacement as big as the M.U.T.O.s from the 2014 Godzilla movie. I've come across a little roadblock with regards to how to handle it, though, and I may need your help on this matter.
The original plan was for the agents to go to DoSAT and use some kind of special technology to disguise themselves as kaiju - but the problem is that I don't recall if anything like that is either possible in-universe or reasonable as far as the writing is concerned. The other alternative was to have the agents visit as themselves, but have Godzilla personally kill the Stu once the charges are pressed, but as tempted as I am to use the "kiss of death" that he pulled on the female M.U.T.O., I'm trying to steer clear of having the canons be directly involved in the executions as much as possible.
My big question, then, is: How do you kill a kaiju-sized replacement, Sue, Stu, or whatever it is that's threatening the canon? Most militaries are useless against Tohoverse kaiju, and pretty much the only way to get rid of one of those is either through some really crazy ultra-destructive tomfoolery like the Oxygen Destroyer or by having another kaiju dispose of them. Is there a way to kill a Suvian kaiju that doesn't involve the Big Guy himself?
DoSAT probably has one, tbh, and it's a canon way to kill kaiju.
Like the one that was mounted on Kiryu's (a.k.a. Millenium MechaGodzilla) chest.
Why not solve the size problem before you solve the living-Sue problem?
There are shrink rays available in many continua. I'm thinking of the "Honey, I Shrunk the Kids" movie and the Helmacron shrink ray from "Animorphs", specifically, but I am sure there are others.
Seriously, though, I support portalling it to the Marianas Trench, or any other probably-deadly place. The main problem being... Well, making a Kaiju-sized portal.
There's also the "Summon Bigger Fish" option, but neuralizing Godzilla seems pretty hard.
The thing is, I don't know if we have any correspondence with the SCP Foundation.
If anything, the Foundation probably has a "leave us alone and we'll leave you alone" stance on the PPC.
The Foundation doesn't really need the PPC since there's no canon and most really bad things are deleted and/or decommissioned. Agents aren't allowed anywhere near the formation anyway. Source
Note that it also explicitly forbids the use of 682 on Sues.
I should set that thing to English. One day. Maybe.
Because it's funnier than watching a Big, Dramatic Battle.
Missions are always the most interesting when the agents are hamstrung for tech. "Oh no, the Stu is using his superpower, I'd better use my nuclear bazooka!" is silly, yes... but it's not challenging. "The only resource I have is a spork" is much more exciting to read, oddly enough.
So. Skyscraper-sized monster. You're an ordinary human. It knows you're there. You need to kill it. Get out of that if you can.
I suggest rigging up a crude electrical transformer (with a false cliffhanger when your agents say "We need a transformer!", and everyone's imagining giant robots), boosting the national grid's current to ridiculous levels, and then electrocuting him. Dread to think what you're gonna do with the body, though...
hS
I am reminded of a scene from Hot Fuzz Where the villain is running around a miniature city, and is ultimately defeated when he steps on a toy car and fall forward into the spire of a Cathedral. Something like that could work.
There's also the DoSAT Hangar, which contains all kinds of vehicles. It could easily have a giant mechsuit.
And if the agents can't bring themselves to kill a kaiju!Sue, well...
..that's why we have the Dummy System.
And, in the semi-canon place where it exists, it no longer exists thanks to an overenthusiastic Pacific Rim sue. Sorry about that.
(This whole side of PPC continuity is to be taken with a grain of salt, two shots of bleepka, and eight ounces of pineapple juice. Shake, do not stir, and please keep in mind that the whole thing is for comedic effect.)
It's pink and silver.
Quote from the mission:
“As if we could run away,” Evie snarked. “Looks like we might have a use for that DoSAT EVA Unit you were telling me about.”
“I hope not,” her partner replied. “Let’s hope we can clean this up without having to go the empathic biomech route.”
“Don’t want to pilot a pink Evangelion? I’ll do it.
-From the Fisherman and Evie's fifth mission in SOD.
Any means of disposing of kaiZu in general that I can think of basically amounts to "summon bigger fish."
Roll tape!
Alex Mercer: Nope, totally not plugging my fandoms. Anyway, Alex is damn near unkillable; even a nuke didn't put him down. He can consume and absorb an indefinite amount of biomass and store it for later use. As for mucking about with Prototype canon, well... who's to say it will? Alex was able to create giant monsters in Prototype 2, they had to come from somewhere.
Haloverse superweapons: Maybe the DoSAT has MACs or Covenant flagships lying around? Of course, going that far is usually DoGA's thing.
EVA: I'm not sure if you've seen it, but in Fish Custard's mission to Evangelion, they pull out an EVA unit acquired by the PPC. Precedent!
There is one more thing I thought of... but it's a sci-fi continuum of my own invention. That guy down there talking about poison? Here's your answer: a planet with an atmosphere composed primarily of arsenic, populated by insectoids that hunt kaiju-sized animals for a living. Alas, original fiction, so you couldn't justifiably use it.
It'll probably require some tinkering with that shrink ray that [EvilAI]UBEROverlord suggested, and the assistance of a mini. Or two. As I stated here, I found a few mini-kaiju in the fic in question, so...
The only thing there that I wouldn't suggest is Mercer, simply because you couldn't control him. The EVA unit seems like the best option, but still a little risky, just because of what it takes to pilot them. Maybe something from 40K could work?
Seriously though, you need to use very, very, VERY heavy weaponry to even injure one, probably stuff some other canons. Or you can always let The Big G himself deal with it, then neuralyze him.
As there is of course a looooooong tradition in classic kaiju movies of summoning more of the things to deal with the one you have. Not sure which one would be most appropriate here, or for that matter how many, nor how you would contain your "solution" once it had done its job, but that last one would certainly be a funny question for the Agents to ask after they had done it.
If that fails, the Jaegers from Pacific Rim are of course designed specifically to do your job, and while there are of course canon-contamination issues it seems like when really big things need to be killed the flowers are willing to overlook that point- I remember one mission in particular where a WH40K capital ship was brought in to glass a Mata Nui knockoff island filled to the brim with Sues.
For all your giant monster needs. Open 24 Hours a Day 7 Days a Week .
User Not affiliated with Rent-A-Zilla. User agrees to hold harmless any unintended side effects related to using Rent-a-Zilla. Including but not limited to: Massive Collateral Damage, Astronomical Property Damage, Destruction of Property, Loss of Limb, Loss of Bodily Function, Injury, Death, or Consumption. Thank you for using Rent-A-Zilla. Have a nice day. Our products are entirely harmless to the user, or your money back.
Seriously, poisons might work. Nothing is immune to everything, and DoSAT could easily hook up some kind of delivery system. Start with ricin or botulinum. Both of these should work wonders. A fictional alternative to these would be Nova-6 from Black Ops. That last one might be considered torture, but if not, use it.
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
Oh, wait, you're serious. Let me laugh even harder!
AH-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Seriously though... No. I see where you're going, but, no. Do youu have any idea how big these things are? How powerful? The amount of poison it would take to even try to take down any kaiju would be insane. Unless you are shooting them full of tankers full of ricin, they will shrug off anything you try to feed them.
And I mean everything on the planet. It's nasty stuff. And I do mean pure botulinum. It is the deadliest poison known to man. And even if whatever you hit with it survives, it'll be suffering from severe paralysis, so you can just run up and plant a brick of C4 on its face.
Oh, and did I mention it incinerates your soul? I don't know for sure if it does that, but I'm pretty much certain it does. I mean, why take the chance?
It's not that kaiju are poison-immune, it's the fact that there's simply too much monster for any given poison to get through. No matter how much you put into it, a kaiju's sheer size means that any poison you apply will be diluted to the point of doing nothing.
Fifteen kilograms of botulinum might put down a blue whale, but kaiju are many hundreds of times larger. You'd need a supertanker's worth of the stuff for it to have any effect whatsoever.
Botulism toxin has an estimated LD-50 of one nanogram per kilogram. Knifehead weighed 2,500 tons, which means you'd need 2.5 milligrams of botulism toxin to hit LD-50 (assuming metric tons. We benighted imperial-measurement people would need slightly less).
Of course, botulism is a hugely specific toxin - it's nothing short of a protein, with an immense atomic mass and a very specific neurotoxic pathway. So let's pick something simpler...
And by "something simpler", I mean "agent orange"! Dioxins are very simple chemicals - they're relatively stable bearers of chlorine. Chlorine is oxygen's bigger, badder brother - it's hellishly reactive, and conveniently enough, will happily kill anything that was designed to live in an oxygen-rich environment.
At a mere 20 µg/kg for ld50, we'd need to dose Knifehead with half a kilogram of agent orange to hit LD-50. That's a relatively achievable amount - although the EPA would probably not be hugely happy with you for it.
In short: If you can find a reasonably effective neurotoxin, kauju are totally poisonable. You have to make major-environmental-disaster quantities of toxin, sure, but that's really only a couple pounds of the stuff, tops.
Seeing as that kind of thing is usually heavily regulated and people might think something is up if that much goes missing.
There is absolutely no reason anyone should know about Inframan unless they're a serious student of Chinese film or something, and I'm not being entirely serious with this suggestion, but it would really amuse me. He fights ridiculous Godzilla-like monsters all the time and can grow to giant size to match them, too. ^_^
Failing that, a shrink ray of some sort seems like a good solution to me. DoSAT can almost certainly hook you up.
~Neshomeh
Take it from Honey I Shrunk the Kids? It should theoretically work. Or if you want to go the Super Crazy Route what about say the Megazord from Mighty Morphin Power Rangers? I mean a bunch of teenagers were able to figure out how to operate it in cannon. Or a Gundam perhaps?
Water. Basically, figure out some way to lure him to the Marianas Trench and let drowning do the rest.
I was thinking of disposal of Suvian kaiju in general, but that could work for M.U.T.O.!Sonic specifically. As for how to get him there, well, the fic I'm sporking has quite a few mini-kaiju - I imagine that in the Godzilla universe, misspelled kaiju names create mini-versions of said kaiju, and any non-kaiju names that get bungled create mini-Godzillas. They'd be about the size of the Jurassic Park T. rex, since that's small, right? Still, I have feeling they may be useful for my evil, evil plan... >;)
The Shrink Ray suggested by [EvilAI]UBEROverlord also sounds like a good idea that I may reserve for a later time - I'm not sure if it's powerful enough to shrink the "Kaisue", but what if we could reverse it and make the minis big enough to fight M.U.T.O.!Sonic? Besides, I want one of the agents to keep a mini-Godzilla and the Shrink Ray would be perfect for keeping him at a reasonable size.
There was another film in the Honey I Shrunk Series, called Honey, I Blew Up the Baby. Which contrary to what the title may imply is not about a dead baby. What happens is that the Shrink Ray had been redesigned to increase size rather than shrink. So it ended up having a Giant Baby terrorizing the people. So it should work.
Or Rent-a-Zilla. If it were me I would probably do that.
Open a portal in one of the kaiju's arteries and set the other portal to space or something. Watch as the pressure differential bleeds it bone-dry in a matter of moments.
Actually, that's really gruesome. Why did I even come up with this idea?
I know they are stabilized plotholes, and there is something about coordinates, but what on earth are the coordinates? How specific can you get? How can Agents know all of these arbitrary coordinates?
I always thought of the RA as having some pre-set coordinate options, such as Partner, Mary Sue, and major locations in canons. Otherwise, it works similarly to the Portal gun. Point at thing, pull trigger, travel. How would one program "inside Soniju's aorta, connected to the moon?" If you were to try that, you would have to have a very long section of one of the agents trying to figure out how to program that setting in, while the other protects them from the monster.
Also, knowing Kaiju and Sonic Sues, that may well not do much. Make them very tired, but not dead. Because screw logic.
Basically, I want to do a mission on that MLP/KSP crossover I linked a while ago (once I get Permission, of course). To dispose of the logic-defying(-even-by-KSP-standards), uncanonical-parts-containing interstellar spacecraft, I had planned to portal it into a Kerbol impact trajectory. Basically throwing it into the Sun.
The thing is, I'm not sure if that would work, or the ship would just be put into orbit. Has anything been established about the relative speed of stuff that has been portalled into space? It seems like it doesn't affect Agents travelling between planets and continua, at least...
Basically, our portals work in a very similar way to those portals. Momentum is conserved between portals. In other words...
So, in theory, that plan should work.
...to being shaped like a good ol' TI-84 graphing calculator:
You can flip though menus or enter a specific set of coordinates yourself. So if you want to do the artery-execution method I'd imagine the menus would look like:
Portal 1
>Sue
>Inside Sue
>Confirm decision
>Carotid artery
>Autoscale portal
>Maintain position with respect to Sue
Portal 2
>Space
>Planet ionosphere
>Autoscale portal
>Engage
Also, I decided that CADs look like police-issue radar guns. It somehow just makes sense, y'know?
That look just fits perfectly.
I do see what your saying, but... How many times would agents need to portal inside a Sue? I mean, maybe for a Dragon!Sue, to get in their stomach to save a canon they just ate, but otherwise...
So, I doubt it would be that easy to get inside the Sue. I do agree with the general menus, though. As for the look, I'm more inclined with Iximaz. Though, I won't lie, I have imagined them as portal guns with screens before. That is not my normal image, but I have thought it before.
is like the remote activator Phineas and Ferb had in the 2nd Dimension movie, except without the odd crank handle on the side.
I always imagined CADs to be rectangular things a bit larger than a cell phone with and an on/off switch on the side and a screen on the large flat side. Not really much else.
First, small side tangent. Why does Sonic have the worst fanfics? I suppose it has to do partially with the flimsy canon it's based off of, but I have never seen any evidence of a good Sonic fic.
Anyway, kaiju. To be honest, I would be tempted to bring in the giant battle robots from Pacific Rim. It would allow for Agents to get closer through the Mind Melds, and provide a lot of humor though them trying to get the darn thing to work, and just not working. Although, I have no idea how you could slip it in to the fic reasonably. A really strong Not My Problem field? Although, that sounds like a bit of a cop-out. The best rule of thumb for PPC tech: very powerful, but can break at any minute. Nothing can make the job too easy. That's why we have disguises, no? However, in the case of a giant robot that rivals the Transformers in size... I don't know. Up to you.
The problem is that in the actual Pacific Rim movie, the Jaegers aren't actually as durable against the kaiju as most people think. Leatherback and Otachi were able to dismember two of them in quick succession before Gipsy Danger was brought in, and these were some of the only remaining ones after the Jaeger program got shut down - they were just THAT powerful. I should also point out that the Pacific Rim kaiju are apparently much lighter than most monsters of that size range tend to be, and realistically they'd be knocked over by a strong wind like the kinds encountered at the tops of skyscrapers. If they're that lightweight (and I can only assume that MUTO!Sonic would probably be of a similar constitution) and they're able to destroy two Jaegers operated by experienced teams of highly trained soldiers... I can only imagine what something like that could do to a Jaeger at a constant risk of breaking down, operated by a pair of teenagers with no experience with such technology whatsoever (or, Arceus forbid, a tween who suffers from crippling anxiety).
As for the other suggestions, shooting the MUTO!Sonic out into orbit will likely make a bad situation worse - what if it meets Ghidorah and uses the Suefluence on him? And I know enough about speculative kaiju biology to say with confidence that bleeding it out would take way too long.
I guess a Jaeger is the only thing that comes close to a good suggestion, but even that's not saying much given what happened to most of them in the Pacific Rim canon. I honestly have no clue as to what else to do that would stay true to the Duty, though. *shrug*
However, I just can not think of anything that would fit at all in this universe. Can a Jaeger take on Godzilla? AH-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! Oh, hah, no. No, not even. However, Sanic the Dinosaur? Possibly. It would take training before-hand, though not too much training. Enough to Mind Meld, and that's about it.
You know, the more I think about it, the more I like this idea. Besides, it allows for the Jaegers of the Plot Contimuum to semi-exist.
It was supposed to be able to shoot the moon out of orbit. Should work on a Suezilla. =]
