Subject: I'm doing this all wrong.
Author:
Posted on: 2015-03-14 01:43:00 UTC

I'm... I'm doing it wrong.

I heard about PTerry yesterday - well, the day before yesterday now, I suppose - and, well, I didn't really know how to take it. I'd had a panic attack already that day for completely unrelated reasons, so I was doing my damnedest not to go into total shutdown-and-run-away "FLEE! FLEE, FOR THE GODS ARE ANGRY!" mode.

I've read the obituaries, read the tributes, read every good thing the Internet has said about a good man taken by the cruelest sort of disease. In the words of Roland de Chumsfanleigh (whose fault it continues not to be) in Wintersmith, "I hate things that take away what you are". It's an evil death, because memories don't just make you, they make the other people that you meet and know, and Alzheimer's and its affiliate indignities rips them up like old birthday cards, one by one, until you're left in a sea of strangers with only yourself for company, and then it takes that away from you too. It is decay given shape. I hate it.

I don't feel sad, though.

I don't feel anything at all.

There's just a void and a blank space, like the square of pristine paint on a wall where a picture used to hang, and I don't want that to be how he stops being in my life, though he never really was except with his words. I felt... before he left us, I felt that no matter how bad things got there would be new laughter just around the corner, in a place that wasn't here, for people that weren't me that I could be for a little while. Not too long, but long enough to like it.

It's selfish to talk about how he affected me when he's the one who's gone, but I don't know how else to frame it. He's gone, and I'm numb, and there's a blank space on the wall.

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