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DISHONOR ON YOU! DISHONOR ON YOUR FAMILY! DISHONOR ON YOUR COW!

*coughs* Apologies, Detective. I seem to be in a rather giddy mood. It. Is always nice to have another Time Lord show up. If you have any questions about the PPC, don't hesitate to ask.

Mesoamericarda is as accurate to American paleohistory as Standard Arda is to European. :D

I didn't know the timeline for American settlement had been pushed back, and I'm intrigued. What's the current method for them getting there?

(If you say 'submarines' I'm going to laugh so hard.)

hS

I've already got a nice plot of land with my name on it— veterans' benefits, see. Gimme some time and I'll be buried in it eventually.

Go away, Notary, nobody wants to hear your vitriol. It's beyond me why the Chili Con Council lets you bother them.

~Des

"Shall we start with the Guardsman? Do let's."

They're in roughly the right place, especially if we take the "Gulf of Mexico is sort of the Sea of Nurnen" model, they were hunters, and they were renowned for their ritualistic cannibalism in our time - indeed, the word "cannibal" derives from a borked Spanish pronunciation of "Carib". This seems to fit with the idea of orcs in the books.

Also, what does this make the Mound Builder culture? Valar? Maiar? Distant ancestors of the Woses whose civilization fell in grand and bombastic fashion during events Tolkien neglected to mention? We just don't know.

It's essentially my LotR-geek self at war with my Native History geek-self, but I think they mostly agree that this is awesome - I've had the same thought a handful of times, to be honest. I know Tolkien intended it to be England, but wow does that ever not work at all in light of the Columbian Exchange. So I'm gonna have to take some time to read this theory more carefully and craft a more detailed response.

In the meantime- :D

(With one caveat - the Americas were not, in fact, settled via the Bering Strait land bridge; those timelines worked for archaeologists back hen we thought settlement was 10-12 thousand years, but now we know it's more likely to be about 30 thousand, and there's no way there was an ice-free corridor at that time.)

They're popping out of the ground! Like daisies!

Some time ago I crafted a theory that Middle-earth was not, in fact, prehistoric Europe - it was prehistoric America. Instantly, a whole heap of things dropped into place - the presence of potatoes, the fact that Hawaii is clearly the remains of Numenor, the way North America was settled over an ice bridge just like Beleriand. I scribbled a few maps, invented some discussion threads, and left it there.

And now I've un-left it. I've indulged in some creative historical anachronism here - Tolkien said 6000 years, but we don't know what people wore in the American Archaic era (other than 'clothes'), so I've cribbed from slightly-pre-Columbian cultures. I have, however, taken pains to make them accurate to the areas the Walkers came from.

The top row starts with an empty space (where my map is - we're using the Colorado model, Mesoamericarda scholars), and then we have Frodo and Sam. They're both in Chinook clothes; Frodo has a tunic/robe thing because he's higher status. They both have some bulky jewellery, notably bracelets (plus a certain Ring).

Next is Boromir, who's Mohave. Gondor is the only agricultural civilisation outside the Shire, which, actually, do you remember anyone else having farms? Because I don't. Anyway, Boz is heavily tattooed, with a rabbit-skin cloak and feather hairpiece to symbolise his high status. He also has a turquoise necklace, which is the only thing on here that's accurate to the period.

Then Gandalf. Gandalf is Tibetan (did you know China has three main ethnic groups? One lives in the mountains and is religious, one lives in the north, and one is the most numerous. Hi, Vanyar, Noldor, and Teleri!), which happens to mean I can put him in a pointy felt hat (held on by his braid). The robe folds down over the belt to make a huge pocket - perfect for his pipe.

Dropping down to the second row, we start with Legolas. He's a hybrid - the Silvan elves live in Crow territory, so he wears his hair long and puts it in a bun. But their origin is far away, on the shores of Cuivienen - that is to say, in western Louisiana. His dominant culture is Natchez, which means he gets a glorious feathered mantle. (Also a blowpipe. Because blowpipe.)

Then Gimli. Gimli is pure Cheyenne, from his buffalo-hide cloak to his war shield and (stone) axe. He has traces of a war bonnet - which is apparently the term for those big feathered headpieces - but that was a bit too blatant for me to go all-in.

Then Merry and Pippin, who are Chinook like the other hobbits. Note that all four also have flattened foreheads - apparently that's a thing.

Finally, Aragorn, our second cultural mashup. He's mostly Paiute, with its love of fringes and feather decoration (and ponchos!). But he's also the Heir of Isildur, and wears a turquoise mosaic necklace and hair-feather ornament (handily recalling the Crown of Gondor with its swan-wings). The sword he carries is the reforged obsidian blade Anduril, naturally.

(The fall of Arnor makes a lot more sense when you realise the bulk of its territory is the Great Basin - Nevada and Utah. How're your hunter-gatherer kingdoms going to survive when there's nothing to hunt or gather...?)

Am I a crackpot? Of course I am! But the more I work on the theory, the more I find myself thinking 'hey, this is kind of plausible...' ^_~

hS

PS: I guess next I have to work out what to do with orcs. And Rohan, where they didn't wear tops. Um... I think Eowyn needs long hair? ~hS

All Time Lords have something.

~Des

May your missions go smoothly.

Can you believe this? Some random Time Lady from the Crooked Doctor's media lie machine comes out saying all of these untrue things about me. The Reader, she calls herself, can you believe it? What a loser. She's the Citrine Whatever. That's right; Citrine! If I was on that stupid council they've got, I'd be diamonds, I can tell you. But she comes out and says all these things like that I've said I like Rassilon and that I said he won the Time War. I never said any of it. I said I never met the guy. I mean, from what I hear he's a great guy. Very smart. Found a way out of the Crooked Doctor's media blackout, but it got sabotaged. You won't hear that in the media. But I can tell you, if I had been in the Time War, I'd have won. 'Cause that's what I do. I win. And you know who's to blame for the whole thing? The Crooked Doctor. I'm serious. He started the whole thing for his own political ends. I mean, the guy says he's all healing and peace and love, but the media's not telling you about how he was for the War. He was. Very reliable sources have told me. He changed his name and was for the War and then changed it back. Disgusting.

-Phobos, The Politician

You mean the High Council responsible for leaving me stranded on a sunless barren wasteland of a planet, completely alone for ten years? That High Council? Nah, never heard of 'em. They nice?

He's a Trekkie. That means deep down in his shriveled misanthropic heart, he wants to believe in humanity's potential to overcome all odds and maybe even get by without killing each other over really stupid things. Which is probably why it ticks him off so much when they keep doing really stupid things in fanfic. {= )

Thanks for the comment, and I'm glad you enjoyed the piece. ^_^

~Neshomeh

There are nine, Gimli is recognizable, and the heights and matching clothes among people of the same group (not to mention the wizard) makes it fairly clear that this is the Fellowship of the Ring :) I can't quite think of how you got to this version of them, though--is it an attempt to slot them into recognizable Earth history? Or maybe you were inspired by the Bakshi movie but want the character design choices to make more sense? Do enlighten us :)

~DF

Yellow, have you got that bio you mentioned...? Thanks.

Ah, fic-escapee. That makes sense. Well, uh... welcome to HQ, please don't shoot the Daleks.

>M<

That was frankly excellent.

I quite liked seeing Nume again, one of my favorite jerks in the PPC. Odd to see him defending humanity's inferior intellect, much as he likes to point it out, but from a sci-fi perspective, I could see where he's coming from.

Oh, and also Faraen stuff, which may or may not have been part of the interlude. Good for Ilraen. Here's hoping he gives Farilan hell.

After all, they did it... and we seem to be following suit. What a pity the Doctor doesn't have more experience running planets; I'd feel better about voting for him if I could do it based a bit more on his political qualifications and a little less based on his being the much less insane candidate.

-R

Video plays: "I'll tell you, we've got some bad Daleks out here. They're killers, they're exterminators, and some, I assume, are good people."

[Audience laughs a bit]

Reader: "No! None of them are good people! They're Daleks! They're literally made to be soulless, evil killing machines! Their idea of a good time is going out to an innocent planet and exterminating the inhabitants! 'Hello! Would you like a cup of tea?' No! I'm a Dalek! Ex-ter-minate!" /mimics a Dalek shooting/

[Audience laughs]

Reader: /more calmly/ "Of course, we have seen a few instances of slightly less murderous Daleks--our very own HQ Daleks have the Human Factor, and they're at least not prone to killing agents." [Pictures of Charlie and Omicron appear on the screen] "And there've been a very, very tiny handful of okay ones that the Doctor's run into, but since a, they were all altered in some way from being pure Dalek, and b, Oswin is the main one that springs to mind..." [chuckles from the audience] "...well, let's just say that it's safe to assume--we can all agree--that almost every Dalek, apart from a few exceptional cases, probably wants to kill you."

[Probable applause from the audience]

Reader: "And as for Rassilon...Well, let's hear that bit again, shall we?"

Video plays: "Terrific leader. Fought the Daleks."

Reader: "Well. Let's unpack that a bit, shall we?"

[Long-ish explanation of how great a leader Rassilon mostly wasn't follows, culminating in:]

Reader: "...But he did fight the Daleks, though. I'll give him that. I'll give him that!"

[Audience applauds]

Reader: "...EXCEPT of course that he actually didn't do any of the fighting himself..." [Audience laughs] "Or win the Time War..." [More laughter] "In fact, what was he doing for a lot of it? Oh, that's right." /raises imaginary staff and mimics Rassilon's voice. Right or wrong, her version is slow, pompous, and deeper-voiced/ "On this day... Gallifrey...rrrrrises! Yes! Gallifrey rises! Yes! Yes! Thank you all for agreeing to my insanely stupid plan! Yes! Yes! Let's rise like a loaf of bread and also drive a kid insane so we can have a line to pull ourselves out of the Time War into the wrong part of the galaxy! Yes!"

[Cheers, laughter, and applause from the audience. It's the Reader's room, through and through. Some days she really loves this job]

--

And I'm going to break there :D But writing this was a ton of fun :D The only other thing I'd want to get in would be a line, probably the closing line, about "the media is telling you! We are the media, and we're telling you. And so are your history textbooks, your TV guides, your biology classes... Thank you! That's our show!"

And I'm done. At least for now. That was so much fun...

~DF

But the wizard isn't a native North American, and the native North Americans aren't wizards.

Keep on guessing. ^_^

hS

*switches off TARDIS viewscreen in disgust*

Well, thank the gods no one'll let that man into politics.

On the second one, *points at Tira* what she said. But thanks a million for the rest!