Fic: The Smarty Complex
Description: This one is actually only bad because of technical issues. But there are so many of those. Bad SPaG, walls of text, run-ons, overly long description and bad pacing.
Plot Holes: Not much actually. Maybe how the animation spell
works in this story though.
Problem Passages:
1) "Twilight awoke in a soft cot, soft sheets enveloping her. She [bad error, Twilight is a she!] sighed, relaxing as she sank into the bed. It was lovely, she was worn out, after all, creating a new life form in its entirety. However, her mind was clouded with worry as she facehoofed for being so careless. She needed to take Smarty Pants to a doctor’s appointment. But, she’ll only be there for a few days before I turn her back. Twilight cringed again, arguing with herself. There’s something about her though, something that drew her to me, some kind of bond. She knew there was a part of her that wanted to keep Smarty Pants. Something about her coat, something about her eyes, even her odd hair. Everything about her seemed, She didn’t know what it seemed like, whatever this feeling was, she couldn’t put her hoof on it Twilight soon however was overcome by the logic in her mind. She isn’t meant to be alive, she isn’t meant to be a foal. She’s a toy, that’s what she always would be. But, then again, it’ll probably take me a week or so to build my energy again, and it might be worth it just to see. She resolved it [‘Resolved it’? maybe she decided she would take Smarty to the Doctor, or something similar. Resolved isn’t usually the term for thoughts.], she was going to take Smarty for a doctor’s appointment. She bolted up from the cot, shaking herself awake. She was determined to help the foal for as long as she had to while she built up her arcana [Arcana? Well, it is your decision. However there are a few more common terms. ‘Strength’ ‘Energy’ ‘Focus’ or even ‘Mana’, but still your choice on this one.] once again."
Huge wall of text plus what are apparently editor's notes were left in.
2) "No, she was an inanimate object. But what if, all the times we had spoken to Smarty all those years ago, some part of her was wishing she could speak back, letting all of her emotions out? She was a doll, she had no emotions. She’s like francium suddenly becoming bromine, one thing becoming something completely different. Yet, how would it feel to have a taste of the most beautiful food ever tasted, and have it snatched away from you by some torturer. Was she killing Smarty Pants, or restoring her. She was ending the life of a foal. No, she knew there was something about the new, living Smarty Pants that had moved somewhere in her heart, well, in her brain, there are no emotions in the heart, it only pumps blood. Never mind. Twilight gazed at Smarty, who was cooing at her, smiling as she embraced her Mother. Twilight sighed, she knew she couldn’t turn Smarty into a doll, how could she do that to an adorable little foal. She smiled again, and faced Smarty Pants."
Smaller,internal dialogue wall of text. Pacing problems regarding Twilight deciding things too quickly, making it already pretty clear what decision she is going to make in the ending.
Offenses Against Canon: [Broad categories of charges]
Additional Comments: I am mostly sending you this because of the whole concrit at the end of the mission angle you are going with this series. This story actually has a potentially good premise, but that is currently obscured under the technical errors, specially the troublematic pacing that is basically killing any suspense over Twilight's decision regarding turning Smarty Pants back or not.