Subject: Actually...
Author:
Posted on: 2016-05-10 00:54:00 UTC
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Permission request. by
on 2016-05-09 16:17:00 UTC
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Beta'd by Ivy M Blue. https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=1&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0ahUKEwiL5eGUpM3MAhUE9h4KHSqtAYoQFggdMAA&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.fanfiction.net%2Fs%2F243350%2F1%2FRemembering-Jada&usg=AFQjCNHwPqV9eOXRkt1C2HUTgUU1Bl2tVQ&sig2=NFVxordm3yZd7tXulyVsCQ for a badfic I want to try missioning.
Agents receive a mission
https://drive.google.com/open?id=1Mp009S6Z6dhaYbSGSIWT4bSqDKq0gu0Bt36xjqzgQ
I'm doing an "agents receive a mission" with Injerd because I might warm up with her.
https://drive.google.com/open?id=1GZycjckOu6qKqpQy4yXnzAAfbFGT17NZ8VevbrB9Rc
Random prompt
<a href="https://drive.google.com/open?id=11M3DLgT07FO3Yillha2OefffD1iQSUfG-STCHuN9gE">https://drive.google.com/open?id=11M3DLgT07FO3Yillha2OefffD1iQSUfG-STCHuN9gE
Part two of random prompt
<a href="https://drive.google.com/open?id=1p0jZRqPhWVYdHRjzwFmYdDDULb0tPZ1Qtbk9OaWj8">https://drive.google.com/open?id=1p0jZRqPhWVYdHRjzwFmYdDDULb0tPZ1Qtbk9OaWj8
Agent profiles, which will probably change once I start working with them.
<a href="https://drive.google.com/open?id=1yNfiwmHhpcySb1ykHySLB61CTMsX1TsQOrfo9jqKRM">https://drive.google.com/open?id=1yNfiwmHh_pcySb1ykHySLB61CTMsX1TsQOrfo9jqKRM -
Hat firmly screwed on. by
on 2016-05-10 20:33:00 UTC
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Hoom, hoom.
Fic to spork: I have no idea what SeaQuest is and none of the people I asked knew it, so I can't really say whether the fic breaks canon, but it definitely has Sue warning signs. The SPaG isn't fantastic, either.
Writing ability (technical): Definitely better. However, your SPaG still has some pretty glaring errors (like comma/full stop substitutions and missing quotation marks). I think you could really use more betas. My own rule of thumb — y'know, for stuff I publish — is never less than two betas, three if I'm not certain and more if I'm doing something big or drastic. Further, leaving stuff like "RC {number}" in when you can just say "the RC" makes your piece looks unfinished.
As a note, the present tense on the Injerd prompt is annoying and not done often, but not too bad an attribute.
PPC knowledge: Mostly solid, except for the recruiter at the job fair (I don't think the PPC does that?) and the implied eating of Pokémon in the Cafeteria (ew, no). Also, Medical (the department) is capitalised.
Activity: So far, the most I've seen out of you is a) activity related to your Permission and b) one-liners appended to stuff other people say. I feel that you're not really involved with the community right now. Not posting a lot is completely fine — RL eats your time, you're away from Internet, whatever — but right now the little you post has no interaction in it, which is pretty bad.
Writing ability (creative):
-The Kelly and Injerd prompt is pretty good, as Key noted. One thing that is really problematic, though, is that it's basically cut off; the ending is way too abrupt and not a natural "ending point" (like, say, leaving for the mission).
-The Kelly and September prompt, well. It feels kinda robotic, there — not too much feeling. Further, September's problem is really confusing — did she eat something bad or is she having her period? Further, the thing about fandoms — I had to google "Topher Brink" to figure the mission is Dollhouse; you should really try to make your writing accessible to people unfamiliar with the fandom concerned (it is my humble opinion that doing so is one of the signs of a truly good PPC writer).
-The food fight prompt has two problems: the cook's mood swing, which is pretty jarring, and the lack of any food fight in a prompt about a food fight. It also looks cut-off.
-The last prompt has one really big problem: it's a prompt about DAC despite it being supposed to be about a robot wearing a paper mask. September and Kelly's interactions are OK, though.
-The "personality" section in Kelly's profile doesn't fit what we actually see of her. September and Injerd's are much better.
Conclusion: almost and with marked improvement, but not quite yet. The clincher of my decision is the activity bit; the PPC is a community first and a shared universe second. Unless another PG objects, Permission denied.
(Don't give up. You're nearly there.) -
responses by
on 2016-05-11 16:14:00 UTC
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Yeah, I've been running a bit short on betas, hopefully there will be more for actual missions?
I had written a horrible little drabble about September's recruitment. https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Tv5d1N0lI04HozrQd3ERlOTg-VqyCHZDeydW9PFZzcg/edit?usp=sharing
As for the activity, I'm being my withdrawn self, especially since these noisy libraries make it hard to think. There hasn't been much that I wanted to participate in. At least I missed out on feeding the troll a bit ago.
I'd like a tip on how to express the cook's sarcasm when September can't hear it under the accent.
I was under the impression that an argument was a fight, but everyone seems to be taking it literally.
Did you read the whole prompt? The robot is near the bottom.
I have trouble with describing personalities. I think that there is enough there to show that it's hard to do anything Sueish to them. -
Oh, a food fight by
on 2016-05-16 06:51:00 UTC
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Sorry for taking that so literally! That's a really creative way to fulfill the prompt: a fight over food. I'm laughing at myself so hard now for not getting it. I love it.
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Well... by
on 2016-05-11 18:06:00 UTC
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1) Yes, I've read the whole prompt. No, the robot wasn't consequential. It could've been a yellow tank with bunny ears for all the relevance it had to the plot (none).
2) I guess you can just say he was being sarcastic? Sometimes there's no escaping that.
3) Two out of three isn't bad, but the one wrong isn't even in the same post code. -
Re: Well... by
on 2016-05-13 16:52:00 UTC
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- I thought someone said specifically that if the story only had one or two lines relating to the prompt, that was okay. I agree with it not adding anything, and I almost cut that part out.
Do I really have to interact more? This library is full of screaming children and I want to run away.
- I thought someone said specifically that if the story only had one or two lines relating to the prompt, that was okay. I agree with it not adding anything, and I almost cut that part out.
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Ah, not being misunderstood is so difficult. by
on 2016-05-15 11:00:00 UTC
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someone said specifically that if the story only had one or two lines relating to the prompt, that was okay
That would have been me, in the discussion we had with Data Junkie about how the prompts are so limiting. What I said was all about working around the limitations, like- If the Stu claims that your agents can’t do anything to him, because he’s immortal, find him a fate worse than death.
- If the prompt claims that it’s about a robot wearing a paper face mask of a canon character, use this as a starting point ("the first two sentences") to make your agents bicker about their different perception of this canon character, or recent developments in this canon, or the advantages and disadvantages of wearing a paper mask, or to make anything happen that may, by the weird laws of PPC HQ, be caused by meeting this robot. As long as it is a good story, nobody will complain that it’s not actually about the robot.
Telling a random story, where the agents meet the robot only near the end and barely react to it, apart from Kelly contemplating a memory for one paragraph, doesn’t work around the limitations.
HG - If the Stu claims that your agents can’t do anything to him, because he’s immortal, find him a fate worse than death.
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I don't remember that? by
on 2016-05-14 04:47:00 UTC
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But anyway, imagine submitting a paper on the history of Jewish poetry in the eleventh century that only gives that subject a line and uses the rest to talk about the Reconquista — why do you even bother saying it's about poetry when it isn't?
And, yes. The Board isn't "a means to an end to achieve Permission". I said so in the past and I will say so again: the PPC is a community first and a shared writing universe second. Permission is less important than the community itself. -
Clarifying by
on 2016-05-17 15:55:00 UTC
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Sometimes a community benefits more from my silence. Right now, I am dealing with noise and focusing on not being a disruption in the library. Filtering for being polite is a lot harder under the circumstances.
I'm also not interested in Pokémon or any other games, so I have nothing to contribute to those discussions.
I am lurking interestedly on the cultural appropriation thread, but I have no questions and nothing to add.
As for submitting papers, I haven't done that in about 20 years, but it was a disaster. Ironically, I started off by researching pot, but ended up writing about industrial hemp.
I'll try again, though. I'll see what prompts a Flower would order them to do. -
Oh good grief. by
on 2016-05-18 07:10:00 UTC
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I promised myself I'd stay out of this, but I just can't.
So. Look. Here are your options for a prompt.
1. A hole suddenly opens in the floor of your agents' RC, directly under their feet, and they fall 20 feet onto a pile of mattresses. The sides are vertical and there are no ladders.
2. When your agents step through the portal to start their mission, they find themselves in a badfic set in a canon they do not recognise. Their RA displays the message 'Portal malfunction; please wait half an hour and try again'. Someone is charging at them with a canon-appropriate weapon.
3. While walking through HQ, your agents are physically caught in a trap of your choosing. It was laid by insane former agent Mylissa, who plans to hold them to ransom and demand their Department Head supply her with caffeine and chocolate. (Mylissa is mentioned here and appears here. She is not free-to-use, but I'm letting you write her however you like for the purposes of this.)
Choose one. Make it the start of your story. Write 400-800 words from that point.
hS -
For the record, I have an upcoming story by
on 2016-05-11 14:17:00 UTC
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wherein Slowpoketail soup is served in the Cafeteria. And even residents of the Pokémon world eat Pokémon.
—doctorlit wouldn't mind trying Farfetch'd, but only without the leek -
Job fair. by
on 2016-05-11 11:03:00 UTC
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I actually like the idea of the PPC recruiting at a job fair. I mean, we've sent out flyers to people in the past (Constance Sims), and recruited people who sent in badfics (Architeuthis, I think Dann); the idea of a carefully-staffed booth is an interesting one.
I agree that I've always felt a bit dubious about people who act as though the Board only exists for them to get Permission. I haven't been paying attention to Bramandin to know if that description fits, but y'know.
I'm going to refrain from commenting on the robot in a mask issue, unless something comes up.
hS -
This is going to be fun... by
on 2016-05-10 00:18:00 UTC
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I don't think we've ever had two Agents with the same name in the PPC before (I've also got an Agent Kelly, although no work with her yet).
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There's been several, actually. by
on 2016-05-10 00:56:00 UTC
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We've had more than a couple Alexes, Amelias, so on, and so forth.
- Actually... by on 2016-05-10 00:54:00 UTC Reply
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My mistake... (nm) by
on 2016-05-10 03:48:00 UTC
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My non-PG two cents by
on 2016-05-09 19:02:00 UTC
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More like five cents. This got long.
Agents receive a mission:
-You have a typo on page one: Kelly didn't know what capybara was, but she was glad that she had chosen the salad Nonetheless. "Nonetheless"shouldn't be capitalized if it's part of the previous sentence.
-“We got another 'Topher survives' mission and it looks like I could just about solo it except for the EMP. Can you back me up, or do I need to call someone?” What's EMP? I'll guess an electromagnetic pulse
-No disguise?
-What fandom is this mission for, anyway?
-Do either of the agents have any feelings about this fandom? What does Kelly think when she reads the mission summary? There is a noticeable lack of emotion on the part of both agents which makes the whole story feel slightly off. Kelly doesn't even seem particularly irritated by the mission. It feels routine. Another day at the office. Pretty depressing, actually. Is this the feel you want for them? I think it could work.
Agents receive a mission with Injerd:
-Yesterday's mission was somewhat special, as in it had induced headaches, nausea, and the desire to forget it. That's special?
-She stops as she notices Ingeborg lying on the floor in the main room of the RC. The Narnian bear is asleep, her paws curled around an empty jug of Blackberry Bleepwine. Ohhh. That was kind of beautiful to read.
-Grammar. "Conscientious"is an adjective. I don't think you can be "conscientious to" someone else.
-Another few minutes pass as she dresses and tends to her hair. Makes me wonder what she wears and how she does her hair.
-She freezes before opening her bedroom door, not yet knowing if her partner is a grumpy riser. Great way to establish their relationship.
- Her eyes fall on the acknowledge button, which is now wedged underneath the panel. What happened to it? What's her reaction to seeing this? I feel like you cut this off a bit too soon. Like, a paragraph too soon or something.
-All in all, this was fun to read. Enough of each agent is shown to make me wat to read more about them.
Random Prompt:
-Um. I can't quite see the link between Comed-Tea and the IO.
-I thought Kelly said she wasn't hungry any more?
-Pokemon pot pie is NOT OKAY. Eek. That's a bad line, all right.
-"Princess" to "boney harpy"in a matter of seconds? Eek again. That's pretty jarring.
-Wait, that's where part 2 ends? That doesn't feel like the end of their conversation, or even a logical stopping point. And I thought it said that Kelly was going to start a food fight. And that the second part would explain how the cafeteria got to be such a mess.
-In general, your sentences are good, but the structure and consistency leave a lot to be desired.
Agent Profiles:
-She has an almost cultish obsession with the Ironic Overpower She doesn't show this in the stories. I'd expect her to at least bring it up while discussing the console and missions in the random prompt, but she didn't even mention it.
-What continuum is September from? The only thing I can tell is that it isn't World One, since real Manic Pixie Dream Girls only exist in fictional continua.
-I love the idea of the PPC setting up a booth at a job fair. It makes no sense, since that would reveal the existence of the PPC to any inhabitant of the continuum who happened along and would probably constitute an interference with canon, but I love it anyway.
-If you're still thinking of Injerd as a bit character she might not be ready to appear in published stories.
-Janitor? What janitor?
General comments:
-Who is Kelly currently partnered with, and what RC number are they in? It isn't clear.
-Generally, your spinoff seems good, but not fully developed. It could probably be developed just by writing more, though. Whether or not you get Permission, I'd advise you to write lots of stories about these characters, both stories you deem canon and non-canon stories as exercises.
--In about a week I will be free of responsibilities and will be able to spend time beta reading and discussing characters if you want to. Email is clickable.
--Key -
Re: My non-PG two cents by
on 2016-05-11 16:18:00 UTC
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I haven't chosen Kelly's RC yet because someone else might get to that number first. I was thinking 1038 or 472.
Guessed right on the EMP. Yeah, I should have them talk about it being a Dollhouse mission.
Neither Kelly or September are too passionate about the Duty, it's a job to them. I realize that the perfect agent gets so upset that they start slamming their heads against something, but that's not something I like.
I'll keep working on this.